Yuki's Box Of Chocolates

Apologies For Absense.

2011-10-24T15:51:00.002+08:00

Yes, it has been 3 months since I last blogged. Some of you may know, I am going through a very difficult phase in my life the past few months, and struggling badly. However, I have been blessed by the aid and assistance I am getting now, so I am thankful that I can still be here, typing this. A dear friend assured me people wish to know my story, so I will try to get this blog lively again and will post one or two articles per week, as a way to keep myself motivated and to share my life to those who care. To everyone who follows this blog, old or new, big thanks to you.

So What Is Wrong With The Malaysian LGBT Movement For Sexual Rights?

2011-07-25T21:00:00.000+08:00

It has been almost a year since I promised myself never to get involved in Seksualiti Merdeka again. One of the reasons was because I knew someone I love may be part of the set-up. However, the major reason was total disillusionment with the festival and the people. From what I used to believe to be a group of well-intentioned activists determined to fight for the rights of sexuality minorities, it has become a nightmare full of backstabbing, framing, glory-hunting, lies, manipulation, politics and sex parties galore. What used to be something to look forward to has become all hope lost for me.

I do not know how to quantify my experiences there. I do acknowledge that some of them helped me heaps emotionally and financially. I admit that for a short while I had guidance in seeking direction in my life. And receiving help is no excuse, reason or justification to discredit me and attempt to rally people against me just because I have different sets of values and opinions, along with wanting what is truly the best for the LGBT community especially trans people, as proven by positives happening now overseas.

We unfortunately do not have unity. Instead, we have leaders who, as if without other topics, like to talk to teenagers as young as 18 about group sex. One of them happens to be with PFLAG, and he was earlier cornered by these leaders attempting to hijack the group (listen entirely and judge for yourself). I have been at the end of such hijack attempt before when TransMalaysia was organized, and instead of reprimanding the transgender backstabber, these activists took the opportunity to put me deeper into the ice box and made her a spokesperson for an anti-bullying video. Birds of the same feather flock together would come to mind.

Insecurities arise when I mentioned I discourage sex work. Hello? This is my opinion, and that does not mean I reject sex workers. In fact, I only criticize any LGBT movement that devalue the hardships and experiences of transsexual females such as myself, especially from one famous drag performer; but bear in mind please, have I ever forsaken or ignored any member of the community, including transvestic fetishists? Have I ever condemned anyone for being in sex work? It is utterly shameful that these LGBT leaders took this as a chance to further invalidate my work, and the responses from some of the trans leaders are ridiculous indeed. Do they realize that their expressions of grievous hurt only serve to prove my point?

The treatment lashed out to me is so similar to the treatment they gave to an openly gay Muslim writer I know, just because he pointed out the obvious to the oblivious. And as sure as they tried to hatemonger to me about him being a terrorist with connections to enough religious authorities to destroy Seksualiti Merdeka, I know exactly the kind of deceptions that has intentions to make LGBTs avoid conversing with me to maintain their dipping support while crying victim. In fact, by the same chance the self-implied leader of these activists tried to sell me another story, one about my ex co-feminist for Kakak Killjoy.

I refuse to submit to such tactics, so it saddens me when a leader of a lesbian/bisexual event organizer who was also given the cold shoulder by them last year decided to pander and has been trying to desperately seek support from LGBTs there like a lost bitch. It seems that networking and connections is the priority of the people from most of the LGBT groups as they seek to blaze the trail to self-glory and patting themselves at the back after another meeting to bring everyone together for another fellowship of internal LGBT meets while kicking out those who do not conform to their views or are rejecting their stances, refusing to take criticisms for their actions as they stampede on others to get their way.

Credit must also be given to a certain HIV/AIDS prevention foundation for doing nothing much. PT Foundation does not throw people under the bus; they are content in their position as people continuously throw them under the train. They are happy to just receive funding from LGBTs and government ministries while the latter continue to discriminate – yes discriminate – transgender people as purely lost souls whom they hope one day with some programs it will make them “masculine” while transgender males seem to be non-existent to them. And what happens when LGBT matters go to the parliament? They of course do not condone the “lifestyle” which they claim is not part of their culture while hoping transgender females will one day “change”. So after many, many years of the PT Foundation’s work with religious groups, Malaysian AIDS Council, the Women, Family and Community Development Ministry (etc), most people in Malaysia still know nothing about LGBTs, especially the transgender population while invalidating and trivializing our inert needs as non-existent.

As the years go by, and I have been walking side by side with these groups for the past few years, the connections to the straight world is reducing to the point misinformation about LGBTs is increasing rapidly as with homophobia and transphobia. Transgender issues are becoming more and more sidelined. Lesbians are becoming marginalized within. Ideas which were stolen are now lacking as many move on from the main LGBT activism groups. In fact, they will probably respond to this posting by insecurely trying to be in denial over everything. Well, they have the right to hide themselves from truth: they have little intention of advancing the LGBT movement to the public arena unless there are some motivation for them to do so; until then they are contented to fill their coffers and maintain their jobs, soaking up connections and basking in glory of LGBT “events” with little information for the straight public while continuing their full artistic ways of LGBT expression. Opportunists, while little gets done.

So what do we have from them lately? Oh yes – The 29 ways toward an LGBT friendly Malaysia, which can easily be boxed into 3 (1 – Tell everyone to treat us right, 2 – Tell people in authority / representatives of the people to treat us right, 3 – Ask everyone to create / attend those LGBT events) boxes. The first question I could think straights would ask is – Why should I? So one wonders just how this “29” is going to be executed. I can imagine silent politicians, police arresting LGBTs, and LGBTs getting laughed at because we ask the public to stop calling us names. But I am sure the LGBT events will get them more fresh meat to fuck – oops! I mean more avenues to increase their FB friends while enlarging their connections.

The LGBT movement in Malaysia has come to the point where they are so used to having their little internal discussions, meetings and events, that they become too exclusive instead of inclusive and fail to engage with the world – the straight world. Year after year, straight people’s participation of Seksualiti Merdeka has been dwindling, and so is the straight crowd, while the LGBTs increased. As LGBTs in activism groups, being so busy with politics, or as aspiring activists wanting to get famous in the community and an ultra-liberal collective that still lacks so much knowledge in LGBT issues ending up with preaching half-truths and opinions, we have ultimately failed to provide adequate information to the rest of the non-LGBT population, to the point we only call ourselves victims quietly while sucking our thumbs when tabloids like Metro and Kosmo become the source of “LGBT education” to the straights. Yes, we failed to engage Malaysians to get to know us. And to some with best opportunities to speak for us, the fear of losing funding and social status creeps in.

Activism in Malaysia has become a popularity contest. We are too ignorant to assimilate into the norm of society and instead choose to just continue to sell creative artistic thoughts instead of getting the public to know us. We lost the battles, so there is no war to be won. So what else can we expect from LGBT activism? A hijacked and mangled “It Gets Better” campaign with videos which are mostly sharing and confession videos and not PSAs, without a next course of action (Around 425 young people reportedly killed themselves in the first 9 months of last year. Where is the push to question our government to get them to check how many of them committed suicide due to prejudice and discrimination toward LGBTs)? Lady Gaga failed to inspire us to create a wave of activism to remove censored parts of her song. International Day Against Homophobia (IDAHO) in Malaysia was a horribly done mash up that absolutely nothing came out of it to fight homophobia (and talks to ourselves 29 times again). Things only gets done when it is convenient.

We wait for the next big hoo-hah to send whatever letter thrown towards brick walls. We can accept the blatant fact that there are no updates on almost all researches done by PT Foundation on behalf of Malaysian AIDS Council and the Health Ministry, no news on meetings with religious groups / political leaders in conferences or privately, no follow ups on previous letter campaigns and fund raising activities after they have gone silent, no next course of action after tons of forums done; in fact, I personally expect nothing whatsoever from SM, PT, or whatever, to give any individuals any glimmer of hope that things can change for us. We expect them to be absent again when Transgender Day Of Remembrance comes this year, boycotting a dissenting voice, instead of focusing and supporting – the cause. (Or worse, they may even hijack it to do their own one that rejects almost all of TDOR’s guiding principles).

We can expect more dissenters being rejected unless they toe the line. And some may even pander back for favours. But many of us left on our own accord, hoping that in the years to come, the LGBT community will start to see that nothing concrete had ever come out of some of their beloved organizations, and that new organizations will be formed to seriously addresses the LGBT issues, and most importantly, improve support from society by simply letting them get to know us. And I sincerely hope the current movement takes a hard look at what they intend to accomplish, and analyze whether they are truly going in the right direction, for the sake of everyone involved. By then, we would not create useless steps and “ways” that will end up hit by a train of incomprehension, misinformation and ignorance. We would instead concentrate on practical LGBT population building and assimilation to society, as well as education and information dissemination to the public, along with handling discrimination and prejudice at jobs, healthcare and others. We seriously do not need to talk among ourselves anymore. Let us start speaking to a Malaysian population and build beautiful bridges on our world.

Yuki Choe is a Chinese transsexual feminist who believes it can only get better when the world can get to know us. After all, there is more to advocacy than sex and glory-hounding; the main solution is simple, the movement should stop throwing tear gasses and shoot chemical water, and start communicating with those "banned" “illegal” voices.

This post is supported by “Kakak Killjoy” and “PFLAG Malaysia”.

Transsexual Woman Who Needs Gender Change On Personal Documents, Is Discriminated And Misrepresented.

2011-07-18T18:26:00.006+08:00

I wish I can find his photo but there was none. I am talking about the picture of Judge “Justice” Mr. Mohd Yazid Mustafa, who was reported to have formally rejected the application of transsexual woman Aleesha Farhana Abdul Aziz, 26 (formerly known as Mohd Ashraf) to change her name to that of a woman, and also the gender markers to “perempuan” or female. I really want to display the judge’s photo because I need to show exactly what the face of total ignorance and bias looks like, one of third world mentality.

Two months ago when the news of Aleesha’s request broke out, Mr. Mohd Yazid claims the judgment was a difficult one to make because, quoting him, ‘it might have an impact on society’. I would ask Mr. Mohd Yazid, what kind of impact, asteroids falling into earth? Or does he think because of 1 out of 1,450 who is born with gender identity disorders causing transsexualism seeking to correct a birth defect and hopes it would be reflected on her birth certificate and identification card, society would end? To him, probably.

His excuses which was explained today, is even more ridiculous. He claims ‘there was no legal statute to grant such an application based on the factor of a sex change’. Hello? There was no legal statute to NOT grant it either. It seems Aleesha had been treated at Pantai Medical Centre here in Kuala Lumpur, so I believe she has her medical documents, but it seems that both Mohd Yazid and the other idiot, Adha Abu Bakar, seems unified in their uneducated and uninformed thinking that Aleesha’s female nature is only “external and not internal”. Furthermore, Adha claimed that there is no doctor’s report that psychologically, Aleesha is a natural woman. I say, What The F**k?! Why do I smell an obsession to sex organs here? If a female nature is external in expression, that is her gender, you f**ktards!

Mohd Yazid further shows he has total zero knowledge on gender and sex (something he shares with Adha) that Aleesha did not satisfy his poor understanding of “criteria for being declared a woman – chromosome count, and exterior as well as internal organs”. Again, What The F**k?! Someone should ask Mohd Yazid to further his studies to find out about how XY women are still women, why women with no uteruses and cervixes are still women, because he just insulted some cisgender women worldwide born with these conditions!

With his kind of medically void argument, women with breasts removed due to cancer and surgically implanted a new pair of breasts, are not women. In fact, XYY women would not be considered women to him either. I think he has a problem with women in general to make that statement. Perhaps he needs a woman with a big gaping womb that covers his face and giant breasts for him to declare her a woman. This invalidation of people’s medical condition known worldwide as Gender Identity Disorder is disturbing. Adding to that, the insistence of “The Star” newspaper journalists to be fixated with calling Aleesha with the wrong pronouns and attempted to make her a circus show, with both the article titles having the word “Man” in front.

Well, we can expect no world standard for reporting from “The Star” that has been churning out junk news for the past few weeks due to Bersih 2.0, so I doubt they would even adhere to international class guidelines such as those from Associated Press Stylebook that was updated for one sole reason - to respect transgender people, especially transsexuals. What we should expect, is a judiciary that is familiar and up to date with the medical world in regards to people living with Gender Identity Disorder. We also hope to see real judges that is learnt and informed about gender issues. Our country is severely behind in intellect and mentality, so we need judges that work based on real time information. The ultimately obtuse Mohd Yazid just does not cut it.

BERSIH 2.0: Another Way Of Looking At It.

2011-07-10T21:18:00.005+08:00

I was still, at 11am, rushing to an appointment at Summit Subang USJ, excitingly wanting to join the Bersih 2.0 rally after that. However, I was stuck in a massive police induced bottleneck that reduced 5 lanes to 1 including the new highway towards Persiaran Kewajipan, causing a drive that usually needed 10 minutes becoming an hour (and there were not much private transportations on the street). Busses were not spared. On the Bersih 2.0 twitter, crowds were mushrooming at locations near Sogo Mall, Pudu Jail, Maybank Tower and KLCC, while the radios announced that no one had turned up just yet. After lunching and discussing business at the Summit, I tried to rush home to change only to be caught in another 3 roadblock induced jams, one across the street from Summit, near Persiaran Tujuan and another on Federal Highway. If the police were this hardworking, the crime rate here will be at an all time low. I managed to get home onboard a near empty LDP highway.

The radio at home was still declaring that though there were arrests at Sogo, Pudu and at the LRT stations, generally there was no one at the rally. However, my friend who was at Jalan Hang Tuah seems to brisk-walking while talking to me on the phone while many people were chanting in his background. That was when I knew who was telling the truth. Going without the Bersih 2.0 shirt to avoid detection at the LRT, I quickly drove to the Kelana Station where surprisingly policemen were no longer there. The KL Sentral, Pasar Seni and Masjid Jamek stations were closed, and I only managed to alight at Dang Wangi Station. At 2.30pm, while walking through dozens of people seemingly taking a stroll, I FaceBooked and found out shots of tear gasses and chemical laced water were already fired in some Bersih 2.0 hotspots around KL city. I was hoping to be part of the action when I was met by a large group of policemen at Jalan Raja Chulan.

Seriously, if there were “not much civilians involved at the ‘illegal’ rally”, you would not need a hundred of them in one location. By the time I reached Jalan Tun Perak, it was an awesome sight. On my right, like a scene from a Hollywood made movie, an endless flood of thousands of people were walking through the streets, with sudden rushes all over the place as water cannons were deployed. Many attempting to walk in to join this crowd were arrested by the police. I knew that it was too late to join that large gang. On my left however, were another hundred of policemen and FRUs arresting anyone suspected of wanting to join the rally. As I strolled quietly towards the Pudu bus station, with very heavy scent of tear gas still surrounding that area, one by one the police were walking with civilians, all whose hands were bound by a plastic rope, including a young couple that was somewhat surprised they were arrested.

Chasing after my friend who was running about to not be spotted by mobilizing policemen while avoiding getting caught as a stray myself, was not an easy task, but I did manage to reach Jalan Bukit Bintang, and then the Jalan Hang Tuah and Jalan Imbi intersection by directly walking to the policemen and asking for directions. After all, “berani kerana benar “, right? This would probably keep me safe. The police themselves seemed red-eyed and dazed, so knowing they were still distracted by the gigantic scenery upfront, I took the opportunity to go along Jalan Hang Tuah on foot looking for my fat guy friend in pink and found him with the group at Stadium Merdeka which was guarded by the police at all entrances. Then it dawned upon me that we at least reached the targeted destination safely. Elsewhere, the Bersih 2.0 Twitter reported that their memorandum was unable to be handed over to the Istana as they were blocked.

We walked through Jalan Petaling where I was told how it all started. By then, Bersih 2.0 was over. We ended the afternoon at the mamak around central market, where Bersih 2.0 supporters and police force who ended their hostility were also around. There, through social media, we were able to get all the latest news of the aftermath, involving several people from the steering committee. Some of whom were even arrested. As we FaceBooked and twittered away, revelations of Bersih 2.0 supporters being beaten bloodied, and hospitals around the Puduraya area getting tear gassed made me sick to my stomach. As evening comes, at home in my room, news of this rally made international headlines throughout the world making them our witnesses, as videos after videos were released via social media showing the violence of policemen and FRUs against a peacefully done rally. The mass media again lied through their teeth to contain the government wrong doings. And many of us were witnesses of what really happened at Bersih 2.0.

I am deeply regretful to have missed the crux of the action before me, because I believe one has to go through the ordeal to really understand what was won there. It was freedom. The Bersih 2.0 supporters knew exactly what they were doing. No trash was thrown. The streets were clean. No building was vandalized. But what happened today perhaps vindicated my presence there and validated what Bersih 2.0 is for. “Peaceful?” the New Straits Times declared. “Defiant” was how the Star painted the Bersih 2.0 supporters. And within the first few pages, attempts to downplay Bersih 2.0, lies and deception, wordplay that attempted to demonize participants, and even a show of inflated ego by the Home Minister, showed exactly why we need reforms not only in the election system, but the government system as well.

This is the truth; I saw with my own eyes many more on the streets itching to join Bersih 2.0, but were not allowed to join the rally with the threat of arrest by the police. And many who tried to sneak in were arrested after all. The police did their best to stop supporters from all states at bus terminals to the highways to the LRT. In the end, please do not insult my intelligence; I have been at the Bukit Jalil National Stadium at near full capacity to judge. It was indeed easily tens of thousands of supporters on that road near Jalan Tun Perak, as many peeking down the LRT train at Central Market can see themselves, and even on ground. (I do not know about KLCC because I am not there, but I heard it was a huge group as well). Yes, as most would realize, the number could have been much, much more. Also, a friend once told me, a good liar needs a good memory. The mainstream newspapers backtracked on their words, were inconsistent in their reporting and clashed ideas in terms of what happened. The police were able to control the situation simply because the protest was peaceful; until they started firing.

And yes, Tung Shin Hospital was hit by the tear gasses and chemical water as well. At the time I was not there, so how did I know? Because everyone I asked were consistent with their story of what happened with pictures to prove. Unlike the media that brushed off this unthinkable act, along with contradicting reports all the way on radio and newspapers. The government again acted indecisively; they knew the international media is watching and Bersih 2.0 would love to let the world see how the policing works here, so why the hell did they step on a seen trap? Why would they react violently against peaceful protests? The latter was a question our dear information minister stuttered like a child to answer at Al-Jazeera’s channel.

The incredible traffic jams that lasted two days were due to the police, not Bersih 2.0. Any person of a reasonable thinking capacity knew that it was just the police being desperate enough to avoid more people coming in to Kuala Lumpur city, not “maintaining order” as claimed. If the police had really wanted to guard the rally, they would have just stopped all intercity roads going towards Stadium Merdeka like the MRR1, Jalan Kinabalu, Jalan Syed Putra and many others. The police force was just paranoid and overreacted to the situation by blocking all access roads across the whole territory of urban Selangor. The same paranoia that caused the Home Minister to declare a call to action for a peaceful march for a clean, fair and just election, as “illegal”. And correct me if I am wrong, there is not one single law available to arrest people with shirts associated with any movement, yet the police force who was supposed to protect its people, found just simply wearing a symbolic yellow Bersih 2.0 shirt a big offence.

Bersih 2.0 somehow brought out the worse of the federal government and their authorities. Whether it is the fact that the police, with such commitment and hard work at stopping a peaceful rally, failed to stop the mat rempit menace and snatch thefts. Or the thoughts that came out from some minister’s mind about the alleged “damage” to economy amounting to billions. Even lazy-to-drive-outside-KL-for-clients-during-demonstration taxis were given wasted space in the newspapers for giving excuses on staying back and charging ridiculous rates, and much more. However, I would look and say the Bersih 2.0 rally did bring out the best in people. 1Malaysia happened in the most extraordinary circumstances, where all races, all religion, all education backgrounds, all ages, all gender, all sexuality, and all the factors of Malaysian people, gathered in the midst of scorn by orders of the Home Ministry. A proud, priceless moment in Malaysian history however the government will try to spin and ignore its importance.

Democracy also happened. What cannot be expressed in votes, were expressed in numbers of marching people who came against all odds, who braved the wave of tyranny, in friendship of the strangers around them that they can now call friends, to absolutely get their voices heard, voices that were usually silenced by the media and the government. Chants of reforms, realizing that there is a better future for Malaysia beyond the walls of the coconut shell we have been living under for so long, resounded for that brief couple of hours amidst the pain in their eyes and nostrils caused by tear gasses. The worse kind of freedom is one that you do not even know you have and are bound far away from it. However, the 9th of July 2011 will be remembered by many as the day many awakened and realized that they have been had, and the news will spread fast on what we have missed from the government for so long, and what they have not been telling us, to the lies they have been feeding the public for decades.

I sincerely, as a citizen of Malaysia, really hope that the federal government, instead of being defensive, would effectively join us to seek change. I humbly ask the federal government to finally look in the mirror themselves and start serving the people instead of attempting to brainwash and keep them out of the loop with the media. The people’s interest should come first, not themselves. It is time that countless letters to the government be replied, services be improved, corruption be addressed in the best possible manner, and stop wasting money on projects that will drain our finances for the sake of pocketing from the people. The rich is getting richer and the poor is getting poorer, so it is time that we Malaysians step out as equal partners to each other, with equal opportunities. One may wonder why I am writing this, that negates from Bersih 2.0’s demands. It actually transcends even that. One clear message we have sent on this day, is that we can unite as one, for a common Malaysian cause and to defend anything that is worth risking our lives and livelihood for. I can finally say, seeing what happened in those few hours, being in the climate of love and courage during a time of atrocity, I am very proud to be Malaysian. Thank you Bersih 2.0 for the experience, showing our hearts out to the government. We hope our future leaders will one day take the same lead, to overcome all the roadblocks for a better Malaysia.

(Many thanks to those who were there one way or another and saw a part of our Malaysian history in the making, especially my few transsexual sisters who represented our small community with their big hearts on fire in love.)

(This post is dedicated to the illusive fat guy in pink: Read his first hand account here in DubMeShalom)

Yuki's Tips: How To Be Gastronomically Green.

2011-04-14T19:38:00.003+08:00

As we head towards an age of environmental consciousness, more people are looking for ways to go green. Green dining is a relatively new concept that recently reached Malaysian shores, with an increasing number of eateries and restaurants promoting eco-friendly dining facilities that lessen the impact to the environment.

Individual health has become a major concern with an increasing number of patients battling heart and cardiovascular problems as well as diabetes that plagued countries across the globe. These greatly involve bad eating habits and incorrect diet that increases health risks even for children.

Green Dining is not only about sustaining the earth; it is also about sustaining our lives.

Produce

Buying locally produced food, or better yet growing our own, can reap incredible rewards for our lives, other than saving the environment. The purchase of sustainable foods, especially those organically grown, supports the maintenance of ecosystems and agriculture for generations to come, while reducing the use of toxic pesticides and fertilizers than potentially harms our health. It helps a country’s economy and drops pollution rates by lessening transportation and travel time between producers, distributors and consumers.

Organic fruits are tasty, fresh and healthy for our diets and fights heart disease and cancer. It promotes natural beauty by promoting skin regeneration and increases body hydration and body functionality.

Seafood

When you go to your next seafood restaurant trip, do think how many sea animals have been caught whether by purpose or accidently, and then left at the sea dead or injured, like some sharks that are caught and their fins cut off for our later consumption while they are thrown back into the ocean without them to limp and die. This slowly destroys the eco-system, damage the habitat and harm the marine life. Yet, these are the symptoms of the efforts of our beloved fisherman to make sure we get our feast of large prawns, favourite fishes and sharks’ fin soup.

70 percent of the world’s fisheries have been over-fished to the point of near depletion, presenting a scenario where in the future there will not be a steady supply of fish from reliable sources to dine on. While fishes like tuna, sardines, salmon and mackerel are heavily advertised as prime fishes to eat due to its omega-3 content and calorie reducing properties, they often contain high dosages of PCBs, mercury and other toxic contaminants that pollute the waters that present a health hazard to children as well as adults especially women who are childbearing if consumed more than once a week.

Meat and Poultry, Eggs and Milk

Meat preparation for the general market is harmful to the environment as it increases greenhouse gas emissions with its factory based farming, transportation and has huge wastage and pollution levels. But there are types of meat that are less impactful, such as chicken, fish and eggs. It always pays to go vegetarian with a milk diet for energy, or at least take smaller portions of meat.

And if you are into animal rights, you could also try to check on the welfare of the chickens that lay our eggs, for instance, whether they are kept in captivity without any freedom of movement for the rest of their lives, or injected with antibiotics, bovine growth hormones or other substances. Growth hormones are often injected into cows to increase milk production. These may end up within your body once you consume them.

Coffee, Tea and Bottled Water

Most of us drink coffee and tea without realizing that the plantations built to harvest their seeds contribute to tropical rainforest deforestation and habitat destruction especially for birds. Many growers resort to chemicals and pesticides to mass produce in meeting demand. However, there are alternatives. Switch to organic coffee. Organic coffee farmers are required to avoid pesticides and rotate crops to maintain natural soil fertility. You can also get coffee from bird-friendly or fair trade sources.

Bottled waters are unavoidable as they are cheap and convenient. Most manufacturers are now heavily promoting dispensers, especially filtered water dispensers, for home, officers and around the neighbourhood in order to cut down on the use of bottles. We can do our part by reusing the bottles at least another three to four times, which is still safe to use. Also look at the manufacturer’s details on the bottled drinks, and only buy from organizations that do not need to travel much to supply them. This would encourage facilities to serve by state and discourage much transportation, which also saves their cost.

Try These Easy Tips To Be More A Green Diner.

• Say no Styrofoam and Polystyrene when you take-away your food. Use a tiffin carrier or reusable containers instead. Or get yourself a bento box or lunch box.

• Bring your own cup or bottle the next time you head to a fast food outlet or kiosk.

• While you are at it, bring your own utensils as well.

• No more plastic bags. Hand-carry your take away food instead. Work your muscles!

• Do not waste food. Make sure finish food that is stored. If you really cannot finish it, then pack and store the leftovers.

• Really, why do you need straws? And seriously, you need lids on your cups too?

• Go vegan. If you cannot, go vegetarian. Remember, meat contributes to global warming.

• Start your own garden and grow your own food. You can always start with some pots if you do not have space.

• Look for green restaurants to dine in.

• Avoid seafood and buy sustainable foods.

Five Months – Part Two: The One Year Wait For Godot, The Death, And That Accident.

2011-04-09T15:54:00.014+08:00

("Five Months" are stories of some events that had happened in my life leading up to December 2010)

Starring Role

It was May last year when Singaporean theatre director Rohaizad Suaidi and Malaysian independent artiste Jerome Kugan personally approached me and seasoned actress Dara Othman to be involved in a play that is the reinterpretation of the Samuel Beckett classic, Waiting For Godot. So instead of two homeless tramps on a street during the World War, the first idea that came out was actually two sex workers on a street at a red light district in Kuala Lumpur. Then the final new adaption was finalized as two transgender female sex workers on a red light district. And I was picked to be one of the two.

We were barely two weeks into our initial meetings when the project was halted due to Rohaizad’s inability to commit because of his work. The project was then passed to a certain Ms. Kimmy after that, but for the past one year, there was no movement on the production. Until Kimmy Kiew called me up, explaining to me that the project is now on under the umbrella of the Kuala Lumpur Performing Arts Centre (KLPAC). I went to KLPAC for the first time, and had a short audition. Two weeks later, while attending a forum at Penang, I received a call from Kimmy that I secured the part, and will start rehearsals the following week.

The Evolution Of Waiting For Godot

There I met my co-star Fairuz Tauhid, who will eventually be Estragon or Gogo, while I was given the role of Vladimir. After much deliberation on the script, we managed to change some words into Malay and even one in Chinese. The tree was replaced with a lamp, the mount into stairs, and Vladimir’s hat became my hair band. Rehearsals were intensive within the space of two months, with almost all my evenings after my current job and most Saturdays and Sundays reserved for rehearsals under Kimmy.

(from right: Fairuz Tauhid, Kimmy Kiew, Jerome Kugan, and me)

Working with Kimmy and Jerome (who played the boy who in the play’s interpretation, comically, a manly transgender woman) was particularly satisfying while the always moody Fairuz Tauhid did share some of his brilliant traditional dance choreography on our short dance. Angel Chang was roped in as our stage manager, and we all have a good working relationship. It was tiring and taxing especially for me, having to stretch my hours of activity and reduce my hours of sleep, however I could not afford to compromise my 9-6 bread and butter job, yet I do not wish to neglect my responsibilities to the play.

Shocks

The complexity during the two months of rehearsals was compounded by the news of the passing of me and Jerome’s close friend, Benjamin McKay. I was just having dinner with him the night before with our friends, so it came as such a shock to me. Then on my way home one night, I was hit by a white Toyota Caldina WQE 8077 owned by a fella named Othman; and to add salt to my misery, even though photos and proof clearly saw my car side badly dented and his bumper fell to indicate he banged my car, due to racial profiling, disturbingly, he got the benefit of doubt and favour from the traffic police, and I got summoned for being crashed at. Apparently, WQE 8077 has a history of dangerous driving.

[sapa tau ...keter ni...toyota caldina putih. WQE8077. kurang ajar punya driver. kluar masuk kluar masuk lane laju..semata mata utk kluar ke naik ke flyover nun di belah kiri jalan. lepas kena hon, siap kejar..pastu benti tgh jalan..tayang torchlight ...bodoh nya orang. pastu siap main kejar kejar..benti lagi..pastu siap nak turun keter tengah jalan..nak ajak gaduh guna torchlight coleman..bodoh la lu mamat.semoga lu cepat mati..cepat kena tanam..cepat kena makan cacing. WQE 8077 toyota caldina putih....WQE 8077 TOYOTA CALDINA PUTIH. Tue 18-Sep-2007 00:21 Posted by:orang tengah marah]

Rising Above

I successfully caused some trouble for Othman’s brother for misusing the name of one of the heads of police to threaten me, and absorbed the “bapuk” calls from the ultimately shallow and uneducated Othman who probably would not go far in his life in making so many enemies with his white Toyota Caldina WQE 8077. I also decided to give Benjamin McKay’s funeral and wake a miss, because I know I would not be able to hold myself if I go. So I continued to our rehearsals, without a car, and missing my friend. I did not know how I managed to get to rehearsals, let alone to go to work. But thanks to the efforts of my friends, work colleagues and theatre partners, I was able to go all the way across the long journey.

It was ironic that this owner of WQE 8077 is a Muslim and committing his sin during Ramadan. What goes around comes around and he will pay for his sins. As for me, more adventures lie ahead in my life.

(Continued from "Five Months - Part 1".)

One Hard Malaysia.

2011-01-03T15:31:00.004+08:00

2010 had totally been anti-1Malaysia, and our government failed to do anything about their promises of a unified nation. It had been a year that promised so much, and yet it produced more of the usual shit that we can expect from our country. There is no one left to trust, as even the opposition voices cannot be believed anymore too, as we find ourselves asking that same question – when is it going to change?!

The Home Ministry under Hishamuddin Hussein is commited to make sure they fire more tear gasses and water cannons as they yet again face dangerous threats to the nation such as – candlelight vigils and peaceful rallies. And police brutality went on for another year unchecked as more and more cases on abuse of power by the police force flood the headlines of internet news portals while as usual, the mainstream media continued to keep silent. Selvachandran was lucky it was only a couple of teeth he lost; three teenagers were shot dead Aminulrasyid style as police violence and corruption rage on.

PERKASA is still waging war against non-muslims to the extent, no matter now they word it, the meaning is still the same. They demand non-muslims be confined to second-class citizenship which in irony, we excelled while those who expected government handouts and “special” rights continue to fail in sociality and business. Their racism went unchecked, and Ibrahim Ali seemed to be invulnerable from ISA or Sedition Act as many others were threatened with it in the name of “national security” from hypocrites.

Of course, religion again was big shit news everywhere, as the year ended with the Prime Minister’s aides asking the removal of crosses, the banning of hymns with other ridiculous requests during his visit to a Christmas party. I wonder if Obama were to come, will Putrajaya then remove all Islamic religious symbols as a token of respect? After all, the incident showed a guest gets to call religious shots on the host.

There are of course many other anti-1Malaysia tales, most of it caused by government bodies themselves, but no anti-1Malaysia tale is as sickening as the case of Azwan Ismail, the editor and engineer who appeared in a video where he talks to LGBT youth to affirm them and encourage them to not to give up on life. And what did he get in return? Death threats and verbal abuse, including condemning him to hell, the very things you do not tell your LGBT youth unless you wish them to feel worthless enough to kill themselves. Again LGBTs are persecuted and misrepresented by media liars.

Whether you like it or not, LGBTs are a population of Malaysia. The citizens of this country are one with Malaysia as they are born there. Malays, Chinese, Indians and whatever skin colour should not get in the way of unity because unless we are really sick or we are aliens, our blood colours are all red. Keep religious believes to yourselves, because honestly if my lucky stone were to tell me to kill infidels and homosexuals, then I have to reflect whether it is really the lucky stone, or is it my own bias interpretation of it.

I wonder why we are not able to make things simple and just do the fundamentals of all humanity, the golden rule: do unto others what you want others to do unto you. This line transcends the many teachings of faith and religion. Unfortunately, people prefer to borrow power to fulfill their insecurities, whether it is a gun-trotting policemen or a Muslim seeking self-righteousness from God while smoking. The politics of democracy has failed to unite our nation, and the misuse and abuse of religion continues to divide us all.

Can 1Malaysia still happen? Surprisingly, a week ago it did. On the 26th of December 2010, the Malaysian national football team took on Indonesia. For two hours, 1Malaysia happened. We were one. There was no race, religion, colour, nationality, heck some of my LGBT friends were present. No one cared who the person sitting next to them was. It was the first gathering of yellow shirts that does not have RELA and police officers bombarding and tormenting the thousands. We were all together supporting our national team.

We want justice and an equal Malaysia. If the end justifies the means, then let football be our religion or party.

Five Months - Part One: Work, Advocacy and Sisters.

2010-11-08T12:58:00.031+08:00

Life is full of different corners to turn into, and however we move about, we would always remember the roads we ventured through, and as we come back to familiar pathways, we would know what to do and perhaps even manage to make a better use of the road. The months starting from June have brought for me an amazing journey. I was still recovering from a broken heart when suddenly I was asked to pull out of Seksualiti Merdeka due to my inability to function as an advocate after that moment of hurt and pain caused by a recent failed love.

This is a job for…

In terms of my full time job, the month had a high and a low. I managed to get more licensees in within the space of two months than I ever did in a year. On the other hand, the event management team, one that I highly recommended, that was supposed to handle one of the biggest highlights of the year for Malaysia, pulled the plug on us at the very last minute, jeopardizing our campaign. Fortunately, we were able to recover a portion of it later, and there will still be a celebration in the end for the no.1 cartoon brand in Asia, for his 40th Birthday.

Footie Madness

It was also the month of the World Cup, which ended with mixed emotions for me as I walked out on England with 20 minutes to go during the game in which they trail 2-4 to Germany. I get the feeling I am never going to see England win the World Cup in my lifetime. However, Holland nearly did. I really hope to see the day either teams lift the trophy. I nearly missed the entire World Cup season because I could not afford to watch the matches outside and I did not have “Astro” at home. Luckily, the owner of Darter’s Home Pub at Damansara allowed me to bring and drink only water (literally) throughout the matches and the food at Kelana Jaya’s Laila’s was quite affordable for a posh place. So I was able to capture the full excitement right until the end.

That Transsexual Forum

In early July, I attended the Sexual & Reproductive Health & Rights (SRHR) for Transgender (TG) community in Penang. One problem I have with the forum is the title, not all trans people’s rights were discussed; the transgender population’s existence has barely anything to do with sex except Sex Reassignment Surgery (SRS) and sexual orientation, and the whole forum is about transsexuals, not about transgender people. The brief inclusion of trans men did nothing to the fact that for a public forum, issues that plague the gender variant community, such as school safety, insurance, trans phobia was not highlighted, and in its place were the tiresome rants on sex change, HIV/AIDS and medical care. I have disagreements with one doctor on panel for implying that the SRS is the holy grail for all transsexuals, putting all non-ops under the bus. Perhaps my biggest disappointment is that you have three panelists with the sign “Dr” attached to their names, but backdated science of transsexualism were used, and all were unaware with the recent late 2008’s discovery of two transsexual genes. However, considering the circumstances in Malaysia, at least, it is a good start for us.

Oh, My Sisters...

Mixing with the trans people from PT Mak Nyah there was also an experience for me. Except for a few among the leaders whom I respect, some of them still practise the mak ayam, anak ayam behaviour from a standpoint of having superiority complex. And there are some who are flirtatious and speak like they were having an orgasm, probably in an attempt to seek attention. Such is the overcompensating and insecure attitude of many mak nyahs, one even tried to put me down by saying I am just a “pondan” just like anyone else. Correction, I do not use outlandish terms. The science says I am female, and so are they. And by how I live my life, I am not like anyone of them. We should be proud of our diversity. To try to pull everyone down to their league is at best disappointing. After the forum, I made a choice to not follow PT Mak Nyah back to KL, and instead spent time with friends to visit an NGO at Penang and have a taste of the food life there at Padang Kota Lama before heading home.

The Call

Perhaps, better than the experience of being at the forum, eating the famous and marvelous foods of Penang, and enjoying the company of Dayalan and Shieko in their car on the drive back to KL (all of us counting numbers off car plates for fun to stay awake), was the result of an audition I attended weeks before at KLPAC. While brooding over the forum and the sisters at the hotel room alone, I received a wonderful call from KLPAC resident director Kimmy Kiew. My heart skipped a beat. It is about “Waiting For Godot”.

Next: "Five Months - Part 2".

Discovering Sexuality.

2010-05-17T10:07:00.002+08:00

Just after midnight crossing into Saturday the 10th of April 2010, something happened that changed my life by many degrees, and also challenged my perception of myself sexually. It was then I noticed how emotionally immature I am in handling relationships, and realize who I would like to spend my life with. I have never been comfortable with my own skin but that couple of hours of passion opened my eyes to see my comfort zone.

That one night stand left me into such emotional wreck, longing for something more when the other party specifically just wanted someone for the night. I never felt such tingling sensation in my heart looking at the person walking away to the car after that event. It made my bed smell of roses in love. It made me special. It also made me feel like a virgin woman. I still do not like sex but I finally am hooked to being with someone.

That someone identifies as a butch. And that made me check on my history. My first girlfriend when I was boy-acting, is a boy to me. Then my ex-fiancee is a tomboy. My ex-husband is a trans man. That night, I realized that if anything made me a lesbian, it was that pleasure, that insane passion that chewed my heart into bits. It was not the sex. It was the warm feeling of being comfortably naked, and with someone I really love. And everything about it is right, the moment, the timing, the kiss, and of course, the person.

It was made to last for one night. She does not want anything more than that. And I do not blame her. She knew I wanted more. So she goes back to her life with her girls and partying along with her career, and I am stuck with myself after giving her the last piece of me that I can ever give to anyone. I cannot handle the emptiness and the loneliness, the kind that I have never experienced. I have so many friends around me, yet I feel so void.

Many other thoughts came across during the past one-month plus. More regrets of my teenage years when I forced myself to conform to the expectations of church, friends and family of me to be a boy, based on their transphobic whims that affected my growth. As a Christian I grieved my soul, as a daughter my suffering to be a son was less important as my filial duties, as a friend no one truly understands the pain of living against who I am.

I conclude that I am emotionally stunted and only recently started to work on myself in that area. Almost a decade of suppressing my female identity led to no growth at all spiritually and emotionally. I was literally a zombie living life at another dimension. It was only when my soul returned home after I started transitioning that I am growing again emotionally. I cannot take the fast love and fast break up with her. My brain is clear but my soul responds childishly. She broke a 24-year-old heart in a 34-year-old woman.

I always assumed I am asexual who is bisexual by attraction, but I never had people of any sexual orientation haunt my mind like strong lesbians do. I never knew such feeling of misery now that we are staying away from each other. It is the sum of all the scars I have ever experienced when loving women like her. And this loss is still an open flesh wound that is poured salt and iodine over and over again, and it still would not let me go.

Commitment is no longer something I frame myself into since the best woman in my life is now officially gone and ignoring me away. There are no signs that she will ever be strong and mature enough to handle a commitment anyway. Even if she does, the damage between us is done though I already dedicated a space in me for her for the rest of my life. Or she may be with another girl. Watching her grow and spending life with her is now a dream. I may probably be the only idiot who would still love her once she hits 50 plus and all wrinkled. But I will always love her, and hope she gets the life she wants.

I now crave for the other component part of the night that I got. I no longer want any emotional attachments. I want to be caressed again. I want someone to be on top of me once more. I want to feel the pleasure, the touch, the strength and the kiss. That hard but sweet smooth kiss that I never got when I kissed a man. The gentle heartbeat my body feels when we were close. The warmth from her hot blooded body holding me so tight.

Yes, I like being with a butch lesbian. That soft skinned cream pie with strong arms to keep me entertained. Now I have another strong reason to get my Gender Reassignment Surgery done as soon as possible, to really slim down and take care of me. Perhaps when a butch digs into me later, I will no longer be an asexual and may even like the sex. I crave the sensation of having a bold, authoritative, strong woman on my side of the bed. In my soul, I know I can never love anyone again, so all I will do is just close my eyes.

What's On Yuki's Mind: Patience Is A Virtue.

2010-04-27T16:20:00.008+08:00

I am easily annoyed these days. Every day, the bathroom is never clear for me to head straight into it to start my day and the alarm never rings enough for me to wake up and go for a jog when I seriously need a few rounds very badly. Then, I have to endure the pressure of getting potential clients into our programmes daily. These days, I am without a laptop and have to resort to using my colleague’s PCs and I am unable to get any updates about current work. It is raining everyday these days despite warnings of a dry season. Every time I go back I can expect a horrendous jam which I have the choice to evade, with the condition I agree to pay a RM2.00 toll and still get stuck on the other highway after the link, unless I am lucky enough to leave work exactly at 6pm which seldom happens. Add to that, my constant travelling for sales often fates me to meet the worst of typical Malaysian drivers. These are all real deep pains in the neck.

But, reflecting on all of these and many more irritating moments in my life, I realize that the frustrations happen for one simple reason. I am impatient. This is an obvious weakness in my life and it is reflected on how I think and feel. So this can be my training ground, to have a little PATIENCE.

I Am Who I Am, In Case You Think What You Think.

2010-04-23T17:15:00.005+08:00

I am born a trans woman, in case you think I just suddenly decided to be another sex.

I am in a family with one older brother, in case you think I have a lot of sisters running about.

I am in a boy’s school, in case you think I am in a co-ed institution.

I am into football, in case you think I am into play houses.

I am aware of your sexual insecurity, in case you think I must be ashamed of my sexual identity.

I am a fine example of gender variances, in case you think people like me should not exist.

I am with a valid medical condition by WHO, in case you think you can cherry pick holy verses.

I am very much and mostly a female, in case you think your sex is as small as your sex organ.

I am constantly challenging your perception of gender, in case you think you know what that is.

I am not sexually abused, in case you think some indecent person “caused” me to be this way.

I am loved by both my mom and dad, in case you think either is too distant or too overbearing.

I am blessed with Transformers Headmasters as my first toys, in case you think I like Barbie.

I am a believer in Christ, in case you think I have no reconciliation with a God.

I am asexual, in case you think I am homosexual.

I am lucky to have B-cup breasts, in case you think they are fake implants.

I am not a self-loather, in case you think I am struggling with myself.

I am not dressed to kill, in case you think you saw me in some street somewhere.

I am not a prostitute, in case you think my body is a sex toy.

I am at awe with my influence on God to rain fire, in case you think I caused recent earthquakes.

I am a person who does not discriminate, in case you think I deserve discrimination.

I am a person who is just normal, in case you think you know some other person like me.

I am in pubs for Karaoke drinks and Manchester United, in case you think I pick up men there.

I am training my mutant powers, in case you think I have ability to destroy the entire society.

I am tomboyish, in case you think I am effeminate.

I am not what you think I am, in case you think too much.

Malaysia: The Only Country In The Civilized World Where Some States Make A Crime Out Of What You Dress.

2010-04-16T10:23:00.004+08:00

My, my, my. When they cannot catch criminals that actually harms people, this is what some states are doing to innocent bystanders. The so-called “crime” to punish? Dressing to their real gender identity. These five ladies are ignorantly called “males” by this news piece, and Chief Inspector Azman Ariffin was mentioned as the one prosecuting them. Remember, all they were doing is wearing clothes in the gender they are comfortable with? There are no charges brought against them for prostitution, so therefore it is safe to assume they were just chilling out. So what is this Chief Inspector trying to do? Intimidate the five to become the men they are not? These "police" should know better than to make a fuss out of nothing, and catch real criminals.

Alas, this is not the first time such incidences happen. Last July, a trans woman was fined RM 25 for dressing up as who she is in Johor Bahru. There, another two trans woman were fined a total of RM 225 for simply clothing themselves as the females they are. Heavens, do these "public safety enforcers" really believe gender destiny lies in the marker on an IC or what parts some have between their thighs? Luckily, medical health professionals and peer-previewed sciences says otherwise. Unluckily, those staying in environments such as Kuantan, Pahang and Johor Baru, Johor has to face harassment and disturbances from people who do not have much education and information about gender, and they still choose to live back in the dark ages.

I suggest LGBTs boycott Pahang and Johor as destinations for holidays. I would. I shall not waste money and time, or endanger myself and risk being surrounded by a climate of prejudice against trans people.

"The Star" Gives Professional Reporting Lesson — HM, Learn Something.

2010-04-15T15:26:00.005+08:00

Yesterday, I featured a post on the biased and childish reporting from Harian Metro, which includes name-calling trans woman, “pondan”, 9 times, and tried to brush trans people with negative stereotypes. It is universally understood by everyone in the civilized world that morality and character has nothing to do with a person’s gender identity, yet Harian Metro attempted to correlate trans woman-hood, with cognitive sinister motives. Such blatant act of demonization deserves nothing but scorn. However, The Star shows how to do a proper report: just explain the situation without insulting people with derogatory words, and report on the news without attempting to single out and demonize any groups of people:

KUALA LUMPUR: A college student’s indecent act in front of a webcam has come back to haunt him three years later.

The 22-year-old from Sarawak, identified only as Chong, said he befriended a man, in his 30s, in an online chat room during his first year in a college here.

“He wanted me to teach him how to masturbate and show him how to do it,” he said. Chong masturbated in front of a webcam so that the man, known as Melvin, could see how it was done.

“But I did not know he recorded it and on March 14, he sent me a message asking me to have sex with him.

“He threatened to upload the recording on the Internet and asked for RM200 after I rejected his request for sex,” he told a press conference organised by the MCA Public Services and Complaints Bureau here yesterday.

Chong said Melvin came to his house to collect the money. “He showed up again after two weeks and asked for more money,” he said, adding that he banked RM250 into Melvin’s account.

Chong said he did not lodge a police report or tell anyone about the recording and extortion as he was not sure what to do.

He decided to seek the help of bureau head Datuk Michael Chong because he was afraid that Melvin will continue asking for money.

When asked why he did what Melvin asked, Chong said he was naive and trusted people easily.

He said he stopped communicating with Melvin and did not reply to his messages after the masturbating incident because he felt something was not right.

Michael said last year, his bureau received five reports relating to online sex video clips and extortion.

He said five victims lost a total of RM570,000 to extortionists.

Early this year, a man was forced to pay RM4,600 to a woman who had his naked photos, he added.

Both men’s sexual orientation were never objectified and not sensationalized. The words “gay” and “homosexual” were never used. The same situation between a man and a woman was mentioned, showing the reality of the situation, and the truth that immoral behaviour or criminal activities are not exclusive to any sexual orientation or gender identity. This is the journalistic integrity that separates tabloids like Harian Metro with newspapers like The Star. Now, what we hope to see from The Star is consistency, as they resorted to tabloid style reporting before, or allow junk news to creep into its papers.

On Harian Metro, the character assassination on trans people as done by them can be honestly called what they are: hate speech that will explode into societal genocide if not checked. And Harian Metro’s often published discriminatory rants against trans people, places them as the leaders in creating an environment of potential hate crimes against human beings whose only disturbance in society, is to be born in a gender different from their sex. Something needs to be done to counter the utter disrespect Harian Metro shows to the trans community in Malaysia. Violent reported deaths of trans woman every year, worldwide, and the many more that are not reported, gives us a sad reminder of what such hatred can do.

Some are your friends. Some are your families. Wise up, Harian Metro. Is this what you want?

Penulis Harian Metro Kejam.

2010-04-14T12:13:00.004+08:00

Try not to press here. Tabloid news. Do not give them more hits than they deserve. But I will bring to your attention this article that does nothing but attempt to again demonize an entire transsexual community and brushing them with stereotypes. I shall substitute every mention of “pondan” with penulis Harian Metro and “mak nyah” with penulis tabloid to make a point them.

BATU PAHAT: Dari luar dia nampak lembut dan bersopan-santun. Namun, perwatakan itu langsung tidak menggambarkan kezaliman seorang penulis Harian Metro berusia 29 tahun terhadap seorang gadis lembam yang dikurung dan 'diperdagangkan' kepada lelaki hidung belang selama sebulan.
Malah, penulis tabloid terbabit sering mengancam dan memukul remaja berusia 19 tahun itu jika enggan melayan nafsu pelanggan yang bertandang ke rumahnya di Taman Soga di sini dengan bayaran RM100.

Hasil perbuatan tidak berperikemanusiaan terhadap remaja itu, penulis tabloid berkenaan yang juga seorang pak andam menggelarkan dirinya Abang Mustapha meraih pendapatan lebih RM2,000 sebulan.

Bagaimanapun, kegiatan jahat penulis Harian Metro itu dapat dihidu keluarga gadis berkenaan yang mencarinya di sekitar bandar ini sejak sebulan lalu.

Ketua Polis Daerah, Asisten Komisioner Ibrahim Mohd Aris, berkata pengalaman hitam mangsa bermula apabila pak andam terbabit bertemu remaja berkenaan di Dataran Penggaram di sini, pada malam 3 Mac lalu.

Dalam pertemuan itu, penulis tabloid terbabit memancing mangsa dengan perwatakan baiknya sebelum mempelawa remaja itu tinggal bersamanya. Dia turut mengambil hati gadis OKU itu dengan membelikan pakaian baru.
Menurutnya, sebaik mangsa tinggal di rumah itu, dia tidak dibenarkan keluar rumah dan diancam akan dipukul jika cuba melarikan diri.

“Sejak itu, mangsa dipaksa melayan nafsu lelaki yang datang ke rumah berkenaan dan jika enggan dia akan dibelasah,” katanya.

Menurut Ibrahim, kegiatan tidak berperikemanusiaan menjadikan gadis OKU sebagai hamba seks oleh penulis Harian Metro berkenaan akhirnya terbongkar apabila sepupu mangsa yang menyamar sebagai pelanggan menemuinya.
Katanya, sepupu gadis OKU itu memaklumkan perbuatan kejam penulis tabloid terbabit kepada keluarga mangsa sebelum melaporkan kepada polis.

Ibrahim berkata, penulis Harian Metro terbabit yang panik selepas menyedari kegiatannya dihidu pihak berkuasa cuba membuat laporan di Balai Polis Senggarang kononnya dia dipukul abang mangsa namun diberkas memberkas penulis Harian Metro terbabit ketika dia mahu membuat laporan polis.

Katanya, siasatan awal polis mendapati penulis tabloid berkenaan mempunyai beberapa rekod jenayah lampau termasuk mengikut Seksyen 292 Kanun Keseksaan kerana menjual bahan lucah serta Seksyen 325 iaitu menyebabkan kecederaan parah.

“Polis menyerbu rumah suspek dan hasil pemeriksaan menjumpai beberapa kondom sudah diguna di beberapa tempat, selain wang tunai RM2,247 dalam laci milik penulis Harian Metro terbabit yang dipercayai hasil melacurkan OKU berkenaan.
“Selain berdepan tindakan mengikut Seksyen 324 Kanun Keseksaan kerana kesalahan mencederakan seseorang menggunakan senjata, penulis Harian Metro itu juga berdepan dakwaan terbabit dalam aktiviti persundalan mengikut Seksyen 372A kanun sama.

“Malah, dia juga berdepan dakwaan mengikut Seksyen 377b Kanun Keseksaan (seks luar tabii), Seksyen 347 Kanun Keseksaan kerana melakukan pengurungan salah dan Seksyen 292A Kanun Keseksaan kerana memiliki 20 klip video lucah.

“Kejadian itu mendorong polis untuk mengambil tindakan tegas terhadap penulis Harian Metro di bandar ini selepas mendapati ada antara mereka bertindak melampaui batas,” katanya.
(changes made and emphasis added; translation may be needed for foreign readers)

That amounts, to nine mention of pondans, and six mention of mak nyahs. And bear in mind, pondan is a derogatory word, and this story uses it 9 times. Can we see their sexist mentality?

Usually in such reporting, professionalism requires the writer to simply mark the person as just that, the person or the suspect or "orang" to avoid targetting any specific group of people. Just imagine how bad things would be if we replace "pondan" with Kristian, and "mak nyah" with penganut; or worse, both with m*****. But of course, Harian Metro is the tabloid for sperm brains who love sensational news and their target market is people with third world mentality. We of course would not expect any professionalism from them. However, such purposeful demonization of transsexuals should be scrutinized to the bone, especially when dealing with an already misunderstood community. Looking at the size of their hypothalamus, I would not be surprised that their avid readers are filmakers Raja Azmi Raja Sulaiman and "Dr" Rozmey (see previous post). Only ignorant minds would resort to such parroting of all trash ideas and news.

Ignorant Filmakers Sanctioned To Draw First Blood On Trans People.

2010-03-30T18:11:00.004+08:00

I do apologize for not writing much these days, as I have quite a number of things on my mind. However, something propped up last week in my-email that I feel needs to be addressed. Slightly reversing the decision by the Information, Communications and Culture Ministry last year that bans depictions of rempits and trans people (I still do not get the connection between violent motorcyclists and decent human beings with a medical condition), local filmmakers can now depict homosexuality and trans people IF the film ends with sad or tragic consequences to homosexual persons or trans people.

I am very thrilled that my acts of going to work, singing Karaoke with my friends, sleeping, watching movies and enjoying music are considered “immoral activities” by some quarters that I need to repent from. I am also sure that some of my friends would be excited that their loving relationships with their partners is considered nothing but a “culture” that may damage moral values of other people, and people need protection from some insane influence to turn heterosexuals to homosexuals (as if it is ever possible).

Not.

I absolutely do not get any relevance from movies that are based on nothing by idle speculation and lazy guessing into the life of a trans woman, like “…(Anu) dalam botol” for example. I would not even say poorly researched; it is pure fictional fantasy (I can imagine no research was done for “2Alam” either). I do not magically wish to “transform” into a woman to please anyone. If my partner is homosexual, he would find that gross because he wants a man, not a woman. I would not even regret getting the operation done if I have the chance, and if I do stumble upon a loving girl, then we would have a decent lesbian relationship, a kind of partnership that is recognized as the most low risk group for HIV/AIDS infection. By the way I do not even like sex. And I am not a “transvestite”.

So, this is plain misinformation, miscommunication and a counter-culture move to allow demonization of people like me. I have totally no regrets being who I am and am proud to be finally be living, not as who Raja Azmi Raja Sulaiman’s thinks I am or I should be. I shall die in pride that though my life is difficult thanks to ignorant and deceitful people like these so-called filmmakers, at least I live as the woman I truly am. These hate-mongering, rumour spreading and lie parroting heterosexists like “Dr” Rozmey may be getting the hype they want. But if any in the trans community of Malaysia commits suicide or are murdered due to the climate of prejudice, misunderstanding, intolerance and discrimination these “filmmakers” create, my sisters’ blood is surely on their hands.

Between "Human Rights" And "Religious Freedom".

2010-01-14T17:31:00.006+08:00

This was my FaceBook status yesterday. A lot of people liked it, I thought I would share it:

If "Human Rights" and "Religious Freedom" are 2 boyfriends and I am allowed to marry only one, I will surely marry "Human Rights". "Religious Freedom" does not guarantee me having "Human Rights" again. But if I marry "Human Rights" I will always have "Religious Freedom". "Religious Freedom is at times selfish to tie me down like a slave. "Human Rights" will always let me be free to see freedom for human kind. :o )

Sass Rogando Sasot Speaks At The United Nations.

2010-01-04T14:27:00.004+08:00

Erm. I think I will let Ms. Sass Rogando Sasot speak for all of us trans women of the earth. :o)

Opposing Grave Human Rights Violations On The Basis Of Sexual Orientation And Gender Identity

(United Nations, New York, 10th December 2009)

Ten Reasons Why Motorcycles Should Be Banned In Malaysia.

2009-12-28T14:32:00.004+08:00

1) Some motorcyclists think they are driving cars and end up taking the middle of the lane instead of the side. They become instant contributors among major causes of the infamous traffic congestion in Malaysia!

2) Certain motorcyclists still think they own cars and love to park their little vehicle on the car parking area itself, especially around places with high car volume. And there already is not enough parking around KL!

3) The only time some of them do realize they are not driving cars, is when they weave in and out of every minutest space available between cars at ridiculous speed, and is dangerous to other people too!

4) The motorcycle remains the easiest motor vehicle to steal. Think of all the time policemen can save to work on real crimes, and also save insurance people trouble. Motorcyclists can even save for bus and beer.

5) People do not service motorbikes anymore do they? For a small machine, it is amazing they can emit smoke enough to rival the worst of Rapid KL busses. They are a major cause of pollution in the city!

6) It is great for Malaysian economy! More cars will be sold, more people pump petrol, toll plazas will get money from more cars instead of letting motorbike people through for free! For current car owners, erm...

7) All OPS SIKAP will definitely see a huge drop in road fatalities during festive seasons. We know by fact most these deaths are overwhelmingly motorcyclists. Why still let them on those potential killer toys?

8) We always complain about snatch thieves, why not take away the major equipment from the criminal’s modus operandi? Instead of asking ladies to stop flaunting handbags, how about halting motorcycling?

9) Mat Rempits will finally lose their star vehicle! They can only Rempit with a broom in their room all they want if motorbikes are banned. Hurrah! No more bike gangsters! The menace will be gone for good!

10) They are small and fast for goodness sake! Motorbikes should be banned for the owners own bloody safety. We care for them, but their majority do not even care about themselves. Away with motorbikes!

Transgender People And The New Straits Times Factor.

2009-12-20T19:17:00.004+08:00

There was this disgusting editorial opinion on the NST today, with the writer presumably being either the Group Managing Editor Zainul Arifin Mohammed Isa, and/or Syed Nadzri Syed Harun, who is the Group Editor. This letter was published on the same newspaper that a two-page special on transgender people was featured. The letter offered ridiculous suggestions that probably confirm New Straits Times as a confused third world newspaper with little authority.

EDITORIAL: Sex and the Fatine factor
2009/12/20

BUT for a few sexily-dressed individuals who flaunt their dubious assets in certain streets of the city to earn a precarious living, by and large these controversial members of our society keep very much to themselves.

Until someone like Mohammed Fazdil Min Bahari, or Fatine Young as he calls himself now following his same-sex marriage to a doting Briton after they were issued a certificate to marry by the British Home Office, comes along and triggers the nation into a polemic over the issue of transgender. It may not have been Fazdil's wish to be in the limelight but for the very fact that he is a transsexual and that another arm of the British government, the UK Border Agency, is not allowing him to stay in the country because immigration procedures were not followed. Fazdil is now awaiting deportation pending his third application to remain in Britain.

Meanwhile, Malaysian Immigration director-general Datuk Abdul Rahman Othman has declared that Fazdil has "brought shame on the country" by his same-sex marriage and for overstaying in Britain. "The penalties may be more severe than the two-year passport issuance deferment as she (he) has brought great shame to us," declared Rahman. Several non-governmental organisations and concerned individuals have rallied around "Fatine". While society in Britain and the laws of that country, and the West, generally, may accept Fazdil, whose predicament has been described as a "woman trapped in a man's body" and who has yet to go under the surgeon's knife to make him a female, it is not the case in Malaysia.

The laws and regulations of the land are quite clear where issues of transsexuality, homosexuality and cross-dressing are concerned and it has seen the authorities -- police, religious and others -- acting decisively against them. Homosexuality and other "unorthodox" sexual practices are frowned upon by the Quran and Bible. Islam recognises four genders -- males, females, khunsa (males who are hermaphrodites) and mukhannis (effeminate males). While a khunsa may undergo a sex-change operation and be reclassified as female and accepted, the mukhanni is forbidden to change his sex, and cannot enlarge his breasts with hormones, cross dress or enhance his "female" looks with make-up.
While we can sympathise with their predicament, there are no two ways about interpreting the law of the land. Until and unless Parliament and the religious authorities see it fit to decide otherwise, Malaysians in the "grey sexual areas" have to abide by the laws and keep their sexuality to themselves.

If it is not annoying enough that either writer continuously called a transsexual Fatine, by male pronouns, they even called transsexuals “controversial members of our society”. This is a blatant act of discrimination, by attempting to segregate and stigmatize transsexuals. If that is not enough, the writer placed “scare quotes” around Fatine’s name.

Not contented of being a bigot, either writer then suggested by both religion and the “law of the land” to keep (our) sexuality to ourselves. Now this is where complete idiocy of either writer strikes me. Firstly, the law of the land does not criminalize homosexuality as per se, but “carnal intercourse against nature”. Penal Section Code 377, also applies fully to heterosexuals; sadly only people in same sex relationships are persecuted using it. This is called heterosexism and bias. But Sodomy, is also a heterosexual activity.

Secondly, there is no law against transsexuality, and transsexuality is a medical condition; it has its own researches and medical professionals, and recognized by the World Health Association. To outlaw people on the basis of a medical condition is stupid, if not mentally unsound in today’s age. I wonder just how can either of them miss that.

Thirdly, the talk of religion is already out. Homosexuality, as oversimplified as a form of lust in the Abrahamic Holy Books, is not even related to the homosexuality as per known today. The word defining “homosexual” does not even appear in the Quran, and “homosexual” in the Bible has been placed into it by political meddling, reinterpretation only since 1949. To argue religion is to misuse it especially when other religious laws are not observed.

Homosexuality is a word to signify attraction, as with heterosexuality, bisexuality and asexuality. To scrutinize homosexual oral sex and ignore heterosexual oral sex is plain selective discrimination, influenced by the wave of heteronormality Malaysia is being bombarded with. No one complains of Britney Spears’ sex-with-2-guys-song, did we?

For either editor to lay claim that we should closet our sexuality is the show of their oximoronism. This is about gender identity. How do you closet gender? Can we then ask them to keep their malay identity face? Or keep their religious identity to themselves? I am not sure what kind of editors they are to fail to see this simple point.

In the end, it is obvious either writer is not stupid. They are just blatantly choosing to show their intolerant, ignorant and prejudicial ego. It is impossible for someone to lay claims to being "group editors" of a "national newspaper" to write such illogical and unknowledgeable claptrap. Or perhaps it is yet another example for selective presentation of information?

Even if either editor is biased, with an estimated ratio of 1 out of 500 people being born transsexual, and 1 out of 60 people being born with sexual ambiguities ranging from Klinefelter Syndrome to 5ARD to Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome; they stand a good chance of tasting a burden of a lifetime; having a classic transgender child. Perhaps only then they will learn.

What's On Yuki's Mind: Overkill.

2009-12-16T11:54:00.005+08:00

I can't get to sleep
I think about the implications
Of diving in too deep
And possibly the complications
Especially at night
I worry over situations
I know will be alright
Perhaps its just my imagination
Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat, shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away
Alone between the sheets
Only brings exasperation
It's time to walk the streets
Smell the desperation
At least there's pretty lights
And though there's little variation
It nullifies the night
From overkill
Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat, shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away
Come back another day
I can't get to sleep
I think about the implications
Of diving in too deep
And possibly the complications
Especially at night
I worry over situations
That I know will be alright
It's just overkill
Day after day it reappears
Night after night, my heartbeat, shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away
Ghosts appear and fade away
Ghosts appear and fade away

The Best From The Archives Of "The Journey Of Yuki" - Breaking News: More Evidence On Biological Causes Of Homosexuality Found.

2009-12-15T12:25:00.005+08:00

As all the ex-gay ministries parade their scientifically discredited causation theories on homosexuality, more scientific evidence on the innateness of homosexuality have been discovered. So with more truth on homosexuality coming out, perhaps it is high time ex-gay ministries admit the obvious before more people realise about the ex-gay myth: It is all lies.

Source: NewScientist

Brain scans have provided the most compelling evidence yet that being gay or straight is a biologically fixed trait. (emphasis added)

The scans reveal that in gay people, key structures of the brain governing emotion, mood, anxiety and aggressiveness resemble those in straight people of the opposite sex.

The differences are likely to have been forged in the womb or in early infancy, says Ivanka Savic, who conducted the study at the Karolinska Institute in Stockholm, Sweden.

"This is the most robust measure so far of cerebral differences between homosexual and heterosexual subjects," she says.

Previous studies have also shown differences in brain architecture and activity between gay and straight people, but most relied on people's responses to sexuality driven cues that could have been learned, such as rating the attractiveness of male or female faces.

Brain symmetry
To get round this, Savic and her colleague, Per Lindström, chose to measure brain parameters likely to have been fixed at birth.

"That was the whole point of the study, to show parameters that differ, but which couldn't be altered by learning or cognitive processes," says Savic.

First they used MRI scans to find out the overall volume and shapes of brains in a group of 90 volunteers consisting of 25 heterosexuals and 20 homosexuals of each gender.

The results showed that straight men had asymmetric brains, with the right hemisphere slightly larger – and the gay women also had this asymmetry. Gay men, meanwhile, had symmetrical brains like those of straight women.

The team next used PET scans to measure blood flow to the amygdala, part of the brain that governs fear and aggression. The images revealed how the amygdala connected to other parts of the brain, giving clues to how this might influence behaviour.

Depression link
They found that the patterns of connectivity in gay men matched those of straight women, and vice versa (see image, above right). In straight women and gay men, the connections were mainly into regions of the brain that manifest fear as intense anxiety.

"The regions involved in phobia, anxiety and depression overlap with the pattern we see from the amygdala," says Savic.

This is significant, she says, and fits with data showing that women are three times as likely as men to suffer from mood disorders or depression. Gay men have higher rates of depression too, she says, but it's difficult to know whether this is down to biology, homophobia or simply feelings of being "different".

In straight men and lesbians, the amygdala fed its signals mainly into the sensorimotor cortex and the striatum, regions of the brain that trigger the "fight or flight" response. "It's a more action-related response than in women," says Savic.

'Striking differences'
"This study demonstrates that homosexuals of both sexes show strong cross-sex shifts in brain symmetry," says Qazi Rahman, a leading researcher on sexual orientation at Queen Mary college, University of London, UK.

"The connectivity differences reported in the amygdala are striking."

"Paradoxically, it's more informative to look at things that have no direct connection with sexual orientation, and that's where this study scores," says Simon LeVay, a prominent US author who in 1991 reported finding differences (pdf) in a part of the brain called the hypothalamus between straight and gay men.

But as Savic herself acknowledges, the study can't say whether the brain differences are inherited, or result from abnormally high or low exposure in the womb to sex hormones such as testosterone.

Journal reference: Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences (DOI: 10.1073/pnas.0801566105)

Yuki's Thoughts:

I guess even when the dusk is settled, with more and more truths about homosexuality coming up, we would still hear more wacky ideas from ex-gays (and anti-gays). But instead of simply admitting the ridiculous theories of distant fathers and overbearing mothers (and crossdressed by mother ala Edmund Smith); we would instead face up to more imposement of personal evaluation of values upon us, as stupid as their 'traditional values' sound. (With this discovery) They would probably ask questions such as - can this be prevented during pregnancy? Ignorance AND Intolerance is bliss.

Yuki's Choice Reading:

Coverage and comments on this groundbreaking story also available on:

America's Box Turtle Bulletin and Asia's Fridae

Published in "The Journey Of Yuki" on Saturday, June 18, 2008

Reflecting On Fatine.

2009-12-11T12:57:00.005+08:00

I am starting to feel disillusioned about the campaign to get Fatine (born Mohammed Fazdil Min Bahari) residing in the United Kingdom with her husband. There are several reasons to me feeling a mix of emotions. As much as I want her to be able to stay there and never come back to this largely anti-trans country, I cannot help but wonder about the damage it has caused to the transgender community in Malaysia.

Whether she likes it or not, her decision to open up to the British media has reignited a long standing debate on transgender issues in Malaysia. Although the opponent's arguments fail to stand against the light of the facts and science about transsexualism; however, it is the religious arguments that I am concerned about. These emotive beliefs seem to have created a climate even more less favourable for trans people. And while she is still safe in the United Kingdom, some of us are starting to feel the brunt.

Her outing has also instigated several parties to petition in defense of her marriage to Ian Young. As the third class style media continue to sensationalize her issue (and still using the wrong pronouns), we are fanning the flames of fire to fight for one single person’s right to be with her husband. But who is she? She is virtually an unknown until the news came out in Malaysia. She has never spoken up for the trans community in Malaysia. She has never done any benefit to the LGBT community or for human rights.

So why are we supporting someone that we hardly know, so strongly? Why are we putting her in the pedestal as some kind of trans female heroine for Malaysia? We can argue that she has been discriminated by the Immigration DG, but how many more others have been discriminated by one government official to another? What validation are we looking for in our quest to get her to be safe?

And as a person who was once married to a caucassion staying overseas, I must say I do examine her intentions. I must admit there is a part of me that is desperate to get out of country because of its confused and prejudicial state against trans people. Does she have the same feeling? Is she just using Ian Young? Is it really love that brought them together or is it something else? Is she just an opportunist?

There are a few scenarios now that can happen now. She can stay with Ian Young in the United Kingdom and drop under the radar, and her story will be mentioned once in a while. She will then fade into obscurity. At that time, we would not even know whether she is still married, divorced, or anything. Or she can come back to Malaysia, gets charged and sent to prison where she will be a bigger martyr, something she would never think of. Then within a few months, she would disappear from all the limelight.

Right at this moment, she is taking all the support, love and attention from everyone; but not one instance did she speak up on anything in support back to the other tens of thousands of us that are stranded in Malaysia, that have to face increased transphobia ever since she got herself that 15 minutes of fame. And one can seriously doubt if she will ever speak up for her sisters here in Malaysia. One day, after she leaves the spotlight, we may even wonder what had she done for the LGBT to get our support.

The rest of us that are back here may face the aftermath of all this. No one will know her better than she knows herself, but we know we may be facing difficult times ahead. Currently in Malaysia, trans people are bullied in schools and some are driven to the brink of suicide. Most trans people are not able to get proper jobs, and end up on the streets because they are turned away when they wish to rent a room.

Some would even be turned away when they seek medical help. Many of trans people continue to face biased prosecution from the civil and syariah laws, and persecution from almost all the religions institutions in Malaysia. Most will continue to live with stigmatization and discrimination. More names of trans people who are murdered will be added to the Transgender Day Of Remembrance for next year.

All while Fatine is miles and miles away, enjoying her new home, new life, and close to her new freedom.

Previous story below.

Hearty Love Story Turned Into A Farce By News Media And Immigration Official.

2009-12-02T11:50:00.015+08:00

What began as an obstacle across the beautiful relationship between Fatine (Mohammed Fazdil Min Bahari) and Ian Young has been turned by our so-called “the people’s paper” into a confused mesh of tomatoes ready to be thrown back on the faces of the writers, editors and the paper “The Star”. The first mention was reasonable actually, professional; except for the mis-gendering. The usual usage of male pronouns to describe Fatine shows incredible disrespect to a woman Ian Young has called his wife.

Then came for some reason, two news articles on the same subject two days in a row, on the repercussions should Fatine be forced to return home. Datuk Abdul Rahman Othman, the Immigration Deparment director-general, also joined in the nastiness. The first news piece contained a quote which confirmed full bias.

He said the department would have to look at Mohammed Fazdil’s travel documents to ascertain if he had committed any offence and would not speculate on whether an offence had been committed until it had the chance to investigate the case.

“We view problems like overstaying very seriously because committing an offence overseas also affects the image of the country but we have to look at all aspects on the case before deciding if action will be taken.
(In other sources such as the NST, the words "disgraced" and "shame" were also noted. Sigh.)

The strange thing is the offence has yet to be committed. But yet they wish to check her documents, as if to find any irregularity to prosecute her with. And with all the talk about “the image of the country”, Abdul Rahman Othman totally ignored the fact that Malaysia is in the spotlight here, not the trans woman. Malaysia, unlike countries such as Singapore, has stringent rules that discriminate against transgender people. In most parts of Malaysia, trans women are not allowed to have female looking photos on their passports, let alone identification cards and vice versa. And the gender marker on these documents places Malaysian transgender people at risk of detention and interrogation every time they go overseas. It is also placing them in danger of harassment and ridicule from some immigration officers across the seas. So the true “image of the country” here is being represented by Malaysia themselves. Which is probably what the couple is hoping to capitalize on, and bring awareness to this issue about this country.

Then came “journalist” Dharmender “Singh” to misrepresent us totally. “He” and "The Star" seem to have confusion in addressing us, but then settled for transvestite for the title and transsexual for the body, even though these two words mean two totally different groups of people! And just as the previous two "news articles", "they" continuously mis-gender Fatine with male pronouns. And by publishing the same "story" two days in a row, "they" seem to have an obsession with this couple. And it sickens me that the nice couple only wants to grow in love together, but our super shallow "immigration officials" and "media", are not helping the situation. Instead, "they" used this opportunity to sensationalize the "issue". When you start to mind other people’s personal relationships and make a mockery out of it, it means you have downgraded your own self respect.

Oh, in case you are wondering what is with the quotation marks, Dharmender “Singh” wrote this:

It was reported on Sunday that Mohammed Fazdil or Fatine, 36, who recently "married” property maintenance company owner Ian Young in a civil partnership, was denied his visa in September on grounds that his passport contained an incorrect photograph. (bold emphasis mine)

And on the caption for the photograph, this “journalist” wrote:

In trouble: Mohammed Fazdil or Fatine was told to return to Malaysia after his visa had expired. This picture is courtesy of Ian Young, whom he ‘married’ in Britain. (bold emphasis mine)

It was insulting enough for this “Singh” to “write” using “quotations marks” to express his “opinion” to “invalidate” a situation. But when “he” totally went out of his “way” to use “it” to “invalidate” their wonderful marriage, I need to seriously doubt that “he” is a “writer” after all. Maybe “he” is just a jerk. And "The Star" is "the paper" with no integrity.

Yuki's thoughts:

The pick of the most stupid, freakish and atrocious blog commentary on this matter must come from this extremist fundie. He seems so intoxicated and drunk into his own world, he thinks all transgender people are homosexuals and went out of his mind to rant about it. He also thinks transgender people are more powerful to bring the end of the world than global warming and war. With the sprouting of myths about homosexuality to making himself totally devoid of brain cells to understand anything about sexual orientation and gender identity, he proved his evil heart by hatemongering against LGBT people. And adding to that, he uses Islam as a base to his claims, even though the word homosexual never appeared in their Quran, and idiots like him likes to distort other people’s love and relationship, into just lust and sex. And transsexuality, the medical condition, was never in their Quran either. Amazing how sotongs like him, loves to make force connections to religion when they just simply hate people they love to discriminate.

And personally, I find it very amusing when people claim I am homosexual, when I am a closeted asexual.

Well, at least all of us trans women get some 'pahala' each for the nonsense by this idiot, especially for calling us "pondan".

Islamophobia: The Reason.

2009-11-30T14:43:00.004+08:00

You may need to translate this from Malay to English. This is an example as to why I have a phobia towards Islam, and most Islamic people. For some reason they take such extreme views on a simple medical condition, feels it is fitting to insult people and loves to rant away on subjects they know nothing about. Facts and science are ignored. Prejudice and bigotry stands for them.

A Story On A Group Of Transsexual Sex Workers And Some Guy.

2009-11-24T10:31:00.011+08:00

Harian Metro really have too much time in their hands. They really have nothing valid to report, so they have to fabricate sensationalizing news to sell their sorry piece of tabloid. Reading this piece in The Star’s English version of the Harian Metro article, any intelligent person would ask: So what is the point of the article, except to make transsexuals look like dastardly criminals?

A GROUP of transsexual sex workers in Chow Kit are using pornographic films to distract clients before robbing them, reported Harian Metro.

Members of the group would seduce the victim while another sex worker would try to steal belongings like wallets and handphones.

In a recent incident, a client known as Ping said he was asked to lie on the bed before choosing a free DVD pornographic movie to watch as a “warm-up”.

“The sex worker told me to take off my pants. It was then placed on a chair nearby,” said the 33-year-old chef.

Ping declined to elaborate on what happened next, but said he reached for his pants only to find that his handphone was missing from the pocket when he heard loud noises that sounded like a fight outside the room.

“I was even more surprised to find that my wallet, which was originally in my pocket, was moved to the top of the television set. Some RM400 was also gone,” he said.

After Ping repeatedly demanded the sex worker to return his valuables, she finally agreed to give them back, claiming that her friend had stolen them.

There are so many things wrong with this news piece I do not know where to start. For someone who can carry RM 400 in his wallet, it seems ridiculous that this “Ping”, would choose a transsexual female for companionship, rather than a Chinese female social escort or a female prostitute, which is all over Chow Kit. It is hard to believe.

And it mentioned that this is a group operation. So a person would book all the “members of the group” to be “seduced” by them all? This sounds like another piece of illogical crappy lie.

And of all the story on a transsexual “gang” that Harian Metro loves to report, one harmless sex worker was left all alone for this “Ping” to demand for his valuables back from her. Excuse me, where are the “GROUP of transsexual sex workers in Chow Kit”?

All this do not make sense, and seems like another blatant attempt to yet again demonize and misrepresent transsexuals. Nice piece of shit they reported.

Well, at least I must commend "The Star" that for once in this report, they called us "transsexuals" instead, and with the right pronouns.

Unfortunately, at the original source article at Harian Metro, these sotongs still love to call trans folk with deragatory labels like "pondan". The ignorance also breeds the stupidity of AsiaOne, who continues to call transgender people "transvestites". People often mentioned that the standard of news reporting in this region is not up to the mark. Well, we can thank these ignorant and prejudicial news sources for it. They have nothing to report but how "bad" we are.

Two Ignorant People And A Transgender Beauty Pageant.

2009-11-13T13:06:00.016+08:00

The bitch that scarred the faces of trans people with her wagging shallow stereotypical tongue.

Nothing annoys me more than stupidity. I can still bear with ignorance, but when too much ignorance bear out the fruits of idiocy, I find that really unbearable. I already have to read idiotic articles written by stupid writers, but today I also have to contend with a sulking sore transvestite loser, Fonseka.

Mr. Golingai, the writer of the article "Roxanne walks on the wild side" within the Star article linked above, endlessly puts words into the mouth of the sulking trans person, but because of Fonseka’s own oximoronic behaviour, we might just as well believe it as the real words. But then again, we can see that Mr. Golingai is also totally ignorant about the differences between a transvesitite and a transsexual, as he explores the journey of a transvestite in a transsexual dominated pageant.

Oh, and he also sees cross-dressing as a fetish, a word he conveniently added into the article, among his other bad and atrocious representations like stating that "Pondan" and "Ah Kua" means transvestite. Excuse me, "Pondan" and "Ah Kua" are DEROGATARIVE terms that are used by some parties to describe transgenders. And Mr. Golingai seems obsessed with the word tranvestite. I do not mind people from Thailand using that term because of their weak English command, but for a so-called writer, he should at least know his English 101 better.

Then we have dear Fonseka sulking about the loss by splashing some of the most stupid and mind-boggling things ever said on the news. Dearie, please do remember that if you lay claim to represent us, please do not make us look like a bunch of total whores. Because that is what you have done. Contrary to your claims darling, most of us, though struggling and still fighting for civility, are surviving and living as normal as any other next person. Your smoking out on the community would not change that.

You are a transvestite, so do not complain. The other girls are transsexuals. They are happy with who they are. They are women, but born differently. They transition to fix that difference. You are a man. You are still proud of your dick. I am not proud of it. So do not call our transition ugly, get that into your head. I will still be a proud woman by 60 years of age. I am not so desperate as to lie to my parents in order to enter a beauty competition. I do not need to be sexy and beautiful, and plastic surgeries are just as normal as any cissexual woman would partake in. Hormones are to change and balance my sexual identity to my gender identity.

And having Gender Identity Disorder means I am looking at a whole life as a woman dependent on medication. I am made of sugar, and now adding spice. You are made up of nothing but clothes and make up. You are being one big bitch in making my transition experience, as many others, looking like a farce and a temporary fantasy. Stop the bunghole attitude, ok?

You lost the pageant fair and square. And by your willingness to get exploited by a stupid writer to get solicited attention, and by misinforming the public about transgenders, and your misrepresentations of a transsexual like me: You definitely deserve it. So go and stuff your RM 800 yellow dress up your ass. I am contented with my RM 10 top which I bought from SS2.

Tears For Maine.

2009-11-05T12:52:00.006+08:00

I feel so much pain today. I do not really know how to describe it. All I know is there are senior LGBT citizens out there that may have to go to their graves not being able to marry their loved ones. There are parents that could not share the joy of seeing their sons and daughters get hitched with their chosen ones that they love. There are gays and lesbians who can now clearly worry over whether they or their long term partners have the right to attend to any emergencies or even life and death situations. This has been a repeated pattern as I see it, and it happened once again when the imbecilic religious right of America again took away the rights of LGBT citizens to be united in love and all of its wondrous splendor.

I feel so ashamed to be associated with Christians more so now than ever before. I have seen a campaign spiked with hatred and bigotry. Most everything they say are pure lies, aiming to misinform people. They clearly misrepresented a sexual minority that just wants to love. Their arguments are nothing but a chalice of lies, fabrication and distortion. I have never seen such a dark side of Christianity so evil that is bent on invalidating the existence of human beings designated to love, just because they cannot tolerate the idea that homosexuality in the Bible is no longer homosexuality in real life today.

I shed tears for Maine, and take the fall with them. Simply because I know there are no justifications in denying people the need to love. They are not animals, or objects. They are grown adults who know very well who they are and who they wish to spend their lives with. There are also individuals who are also Christians who do not share the kind of idiocy these extremists brings. And there are non-Christians too who would never again see Christ the same way again after this. The atrocious false witnesses have won nothing but tears from people denied their destinies to love. They have won a simple vote of something that should not be put into vote in the first place. These fundamentalists won nothing but satisfaction, a claim to a false God they profess to worship. And LGBTS lost their futures with their love.

And I know tears will flow. Hugs will be given. Sorrow prevails. Great grief takes over. I do not know how to take any positives out of this situation. Perhaps, one day we shall look back on this day with disdain.

I have never seen such sorry excuse from humanity. Literally talking bad and shit about the innocent, while upholding nothing but a stupendous hierarchy. Blatant acts of inflicting hurt on people or such demonization of other people’s love relationships. I shall never see Christian faith the same way again.

Read other thoughts and feelings on the defeat in Maine at Good As You, and commentary from Jim Burroway of Box Turtle Bulletin about The Day After Election Day.

Transvestite Diva?!

2009-11-02T22:56:00.003+08:00

This piece of news was on The Star today and sourced from The Daily Chili. I read this news today and I go, what?!

Japanese television host Haruna Ai, 37, is the new global transvestite diva.
She was crowned “Miss International Queen 2009” at the beauty pageant for transsexuals in Pattaya, Thailand over the weekend. (emphasis mine)

We can see here that the standard of vocabulary in Malaysia is exceptionally poor, especially when addressing transgenders, incredibly when transvestite and transsexual mean two totally different things.

And what is with the “transvestite diva” thingy? Do we call Miss Universe winners “slutty bimbos”?

Living Leona: Sex.

2009-10-31T13:47:00.007+08:00

As promised, the first in a series of previous archived blog entries by Leona Lo, a good person I am proud to call friend. I have always found her words to be direct and thoughtful in nature and respect her tremendously as a writer. In this brief post: She explores the taboo subject for most transsexuals: Sex.
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Sex. For too long it has been a "taboo" subject for transsexual women. As a result, we have been subjected to either caricaturisation in the mainstream media or prurient debates on our body parts. Some of us have gone to the extreme of pandering to voyeuristic stereotypes of the tranny performer, playing to the hype of the transgender goddess, while others have fallen prey to tranny chasers who enjoy the secret thrill of having sex with a strikingly tall and attractive transsexual. Regardless of the approach - the end result is the same: we have been ruthlessly and relentless exploited to fulfil the warped sexual fantasies of men.

Sex. We too crave sexual fulfilment. And it's time for us to be fulfilled on our terms. I don't know who you are or where you are, but it's ok to have sexual desires. it's ok to want to look attractive. Sex is only "dirty" when they say you shouldn't enjoy it on your terms.

Two Months Ago: Another Transgender Found Dead.

2009-10-30T18:51:00.011+08:00

This news was on the Malay newspapers like Utusan Melayu, but there were hardly any reports of this on the English dailies, except for a small mention here in the Malay Mail. This happened last August 24th, while we were preparing for our national day celebrations. And this should make it three press reported transgender deaths in Malaysia, and as I found out last weekend, many do go by unreported in the media.

It seems when the body was found she passed as a female, therefore there were no questions as to who she is. And since she does appear female, it is probably safe to say she is a classic transsexual female. Until of course when they realized by fingerprints that she was a “male” they prefer to categorize her in the wrong gender. She was a regular drop-in at the PT Foundation transsexual programme centre and from there I can confirm that she is post-SRS. Even the people at the TS programme found it disturbing.

My emotions ran very high when I came to know about this at the centre last weekend. It is already very saddening that she had to endure a life full of challenges as a transsexual female, but she ended up getting killed while being just who she is. And even in her grave, she has to endure more insults by being addressed with the wrong pronouns, her identity mis-gendered and being called even in the title of the news, "man in woman’s clothes". It was not a nice way to die, to have her lifeless body chucked into a pool. Instead of letting her rest in peace, the press in Malaysia still wish to conform to their retarded ignorant dogma.

It was only about two months back that she died. But she will be remembered. And many more of us will stand up and tell the world: We exist. We deserve life. Stop disrespecting the dead. And stop the killing.

(The story is amended to reflect the correct gender identity of the victim. Please support TDOR 2009)

Body of transgender woman identified

THE body of a transgender woman found inside a water retention pond at Jalan Air Tawar, Air Panas in Setapak two days ago, has been identified as Kanan a/p Muthiah @ Suppiah.

The 42-year -old transsexual female with shoulder length hair was identified from her fingerprints as her personal documents were missing. Sentul district police chief ACP Zakaria Pagan said her last known address was 282-B, Batu 21/2, Jalan Ipoh, Kuala Lumpur.

When police conducted a check at the house, it was occupied by a family that does not know anything about her.

“We are urging her family members or friends to come forward to facilitate police investigations into her murder. So far nobody has come forward with any information,” Zakaria said.

Those who have information about her or the murder can contact ASP Aziz of the Sentul district police headquarters on 03-2610 2222 or 019-9280024.

On Monday evening, the trans woman's body — clad in a blue T-shirt and a purple dress — was found floating by an angler who went fishing at the pond.

Police believe she was murdered elsewhere and dumped into the pond.

Ten Things I Think Of First In The Morning.

2009-10-22T12:02:00.005+08:00

I checked on it this morning, and it is something to examine myself with. So here it goes:

1) My handphone – Is it on snooze?
2) My lamp – Is my lamplight still on?
3) My handphone – Surfing the net to check e-mails, news and new blog and website posts.
4) My work – What is there to complete today, and about work outstanding since yesterday.
5) My bathroom – I really should clean it up because it is starting to get dirty, I cannot stand it.
6) My time – I must complete my time in the bathroom within 10 minutes or I will be late.
7) My breakfast – What and where should I pack today; deciding between a light meal and rice.
8) My presentation – What should I wear to the office today and should I put on my make up.
9) My room – Did I leave anything behind; making sure the air-conditioning and lights are off.
10) My path – Which way should I get to work; fast path with toll or slow path without toll.

I wonder whether everyone's list is almost similar to mine? ^.^

Loving God Means Loving Me.

2009-10-16T11:43:00.008+08:00

I have spent a lot of years in my life chanting “amen” from my mouth and praying every day during my teens, enthusiastically seeking the everlasting God, my Abba Father. Looking for His will, I discovered this:

I asked God for success in my education.
I asked God to get me a girlfriend that I shall get married to.
I asked God to make me handsome.
I asked God to grant me a masculine body.
I asked God for a great job.

Goodness, I asked God for almost everything in my life.

Mostly, I even asked God to change my gender to match my sex, so that I may be normal in society's eyes.

He did not answer a single prayer above.

If somewhat miracles do happen, I somehow knew it was me who wanted to believe it, not God’s work.

So I stopped praying and retracted my "amen".

After that, God answered and fulfilled my real needs. He even accepted me as His daughter.

Later, I asked God why He did not answer me the last time, but He answered me now.

He said it is because when I asked for all those things, I did not love myself. I wanted all those things so that I could love myself more, wanting acceptance from friends, longing for approval from Him.

But when I stopped asking, I started finding ways to love myself more, and as I let myself be, I grow.

If I do not love myself, how do I claim to love God? If I have to ask God’s help for my friends to take me in, then who is God? So when I started loving myself, He can work on me, to make me really complete.

From that point, God gave me all the opportunities to be who I am as a female, rather than a plastic boy.

Earlier this week, I let my pal Catherine have a look at my photo during my boy-acting days. She was shocked. “You look so much better now”! I smiled. Because I knew it was already written, I am and shall be, a woman. God never forsaken me. It was I who forsake myself the last time.

My most beautiful days came, because I know love. It is easy claim prayer and say "amen". It is very difficult to realise that "amen" only happens when you let things be, and prayer is not supposed to be self-serving but for the benefit and truth to mankind for everyboy's happiness and well being. The only point of prayer and "amen", is to love people as God made them, as you love yourself. There will always be friends and false witnesses around to lead you astray. People always want what validates their own sense of self. God always want what validates our existence especially in the capacity of love. We all should just let LOVE be our guide.

Video: Secret.

2009-10-14T11:19:00.004+08:00

One of the funniest stuff I have seen this past year. I really have a new appreciation for Adam Sandler. Except for some stupid and disgusting moves on his movies, he really makes us laugh!

Finding Peace.

2009-10-09T11:13:00.003+08:00

I am not at peace with myself. I guess that is one thing I need to settle. Problems of the heart are so difficult to solve. The stress of it gives me so much pain; some physical and some emotional. It causes my migraines, headaches, arrhythmias as much as it causes my breakdowns, tantrums and irrational behavior. This morning alone, a few things happened. I am already under pressure to come to work early, so when I am late again and I have to spend a bit on a missing car plate before arriving to the office it is hurting that my direct boss is so sarcastic about it. Someone went the wrong way of traffic and still point a middle finger at me as though I am in the wrong. My father and I had another argument again. And my anti-depressants are affecting my job, as I discovered after talking to my big, big boss.

Am I so weak? Why do I crumble so easily? Why am I so upset? Why am I so angry? Things and situations can affect me so much. Even the mention of my husband is enough to get my blood pressure rising so fast no medication can stop it. And yes, medication. I have become a medication junkie. There has not been one day I have spent that is not supported by pills since my husband left me. Why am I such a weakling? When can I face life with the toughness I have seen in my other sisters? How do I achieve peace in my heart. I feel so sick, so bad, so frustrated, so lonely right now. I need to find a solution to these matters of the heart soon or I would probably lose my job, my friends or worst of all, lose my life.

The Star Acknowledges Transwomen, Then Trashes Them Again.

2009-10-07T18:59:00.006+08:00

After publishing a series of thoughtful and educational articles regarding transgenders last Sunday on StarMag, The Star is back at their usual ignorant best by publishing an article riddled with poorly defined male pronouns and addressing an obvious transsexual as a transvestite (crossdresser).

KUALA TERENGGANU: A transvestite has resolved to start life anew away from prostitution after a painful fall left him bedridden for a few months.

The 30-year-old, who called himself Farisha, was with a group of transvestites at the Jalan Petani flats here early Saturday morning when a parang-wielding man ran amok.

It is learnt that the man went berserk at about 2.30am because of a strained relationship with one of the transvestites in the group.

The transvestites ran helter-skelter to escape the man.

Farisha slipped and fell 30m from the second floor of the flat.

He sustained a serious rupture on the spinal cord and fractured his left leg. Doctors said he needed several months to recover.

When met at his home in Kampung Paya Bunga here, Farisha admitted that he had gone to the flats to wait for clients.

“It was sheer bad luck. I was not supposed to be there because I had already finished my ‘duty’, but I decided to hang around with the others,” he said in a sombre voice yesterday.

Farisha had been reluctant to be interviewed at first, saying the public would not sympathise with someone like him and his occupation.

He said he had always known he was a girl trapped inside a boy’s body.

“I am fond of using female clothing. I get infatuated with guys,” he said.

He said he found it difficult to obtain jobs because “people found me too soft, too girly.”

“I took to selling my body. I have to care for my aging mother who lives with me,” he said, adding he could earn up to RM50 a day by entertaining clients, mostly youths.

His said his three elder siblings were also facing financial difficulties, and the family had lost touch with another brother after he left to work in Kuala Lumpur.

Farisha said he worked briefly in London and Sydney as a striptease artiste, hoping to earn enough to start a business.

However, he claimed the money was exhausted after he spent it for his mother’s treatment. His mother, Haminah Mat, 69, had come down with a serious ailment a few years ago.

After his recovery, Farisha said he hoped to work as a model or a deejay.

“All I ask is to be given a chance. Don’t look at me as a strange creature, but instead, see what I can do,” he said.

Look through it, as The Star insisted on presenting the already badly injured lady as a "male" to the world. Observe the wordings used in bold, like the word “claimed” to imply that she may be lying and not trustable with her statements and that "his" name to describe her identity is not real; worst of all demonizing her again and again calling her a transvestite.

It is so ironic. Among the brilliant articles last Sunday, it includes one on the correct terminologies to use when describing transgenders. It is so unfortunate that while they went their way to educate the public, they fail to educate themselves. Or perhaps writer R.S.N. Murali should take a peek at Sunday’s stories about trans people before jumping in and insultingly refuse to acknowledge their gender identity? I really wonder if The Star is seriously attempting to prove themselves the backward people’s paper, or they are just are too foolish and have no integrity in reporting. Perhaps the “man” R.S.N. Murali would like me to address her as, well her? Because today "he" has invalidated our womenhood with his narrow bigoted mind.

Some Unpleasant News Regarding My Estranged Husband.

2009-10-05T22:28:00.004+08:00

This came in today on the commentary section of my older post about my husband and Jehovah's Witnesses:

Robbie/Rachel was picked up by the health department of Darwin. They were in shock because Robbie/Rachel was stuck in the wheel chair...the flesh and the chair had grown together as one. He had to be airlifted to a special hospital. Sam was not allowed near Robbie for a while. Not sure what the update on either is now. Authorities were called because we felt concern for Robbie's safety. It seems Sam had been taking Robbie's government checks and spending it on other things besides on Robbie's care. The government is trying to track his spending.

I find this very disturbing. Robbie/Rachel (Sam's ex-wife who is a trans woman inflicted with cerebral palsy) was supposed to be the only friend Sam's got left. I must admit I am worried for both of them. I am already prepared to reject looking backwards and stare forward into my new life, but the mystery surrounding Sam whom the last time I spoke to him was still hooked on UFOs and Hopi Prophecies, continues to bother me a lot. The rational man I married is getting more and more distant in my memory and what is left are bits and pieces that are unexplained. Was his rodent business failing? Was it Rachel's money (that he claimed was used to pay the rent) actually spent on me? What happened when our housemate left? Where is Sam right now?

His website is no longer active and his personal blogsite has not been updated for more than a year, his last post being about UFOs. He should have gotten a chunk off the money he placed on my operation back, and he was doing fine with his rodent business when I left back to Malaysia. I do not know. My world collapsed after he dumped me in Thailand. And I do not know what to do with this emotional baggage. I mean, whatever happens, even with mightiest of promises he broke, I only have one husband. But I am confused, as what Sam told me was that the Darwin government was doing a bad job for his ex-wife, which was why she was staying with us. And we are not divorced yet.

I hope this is not a practical joke. I appeal to "Lex Talionis", whose blogger profile is disabled, and the rest like "damn right" and "Acquaintance of Sam", to please come forward and tell me more on what is going on right now. I came so far to let him go and out of my life to move on, but I find this situation confusing. Yes, I do hate him for what he had done to me, but he is the only man I ever once loved.

While We Are Living, We Never Realize How Minute We Are.

2009-09-30T14:08:00.007+08:00

At times, even as we seek faith to feed our emotional needs, the evidence and reality of something bigger, so much bigger and light years beyond our wildest imagination had always been there. What do you do, when in the end we are nothings. We may boast of a great Islamic God or a mighty Christ Jesus, we may be proud to be part of the biggest nation in the world or someday one of us may even hold the key to control the earth, whether in economic or political terms. One of us may even be the richest human being in the world. But then thinking about this: we are but a tiny mega-micro planet in a huge space of tenths of billions of light years with stars; now every single thing fades away into irrelevance and obscurity. Everything; and every single noise here ends up just silent in space, and all the struggles we face just seems buried underneath all the stars above, all the movement here, from violence to actions from religious extremists, they become invalidated by space out there. And if the earth is swallowed by a black hole tomorrow, the universe would not bother, while all that we believe as the human race gets swallowed in too. If you really listen at night, looking up; though small, you feel there is a kind of peace.

It reminds you that while the world is big, it is still a speck of dust among galaxies. For every world that ends, one is born. We are insignificant to the universe, but at least we are witnesses to it.

Some Random Thoughts In My Mind.

2009-09-25T13:28:00.005+08:00

Malaysia is a backward country. I am proud of most of Malaysia, I really am. But it does seem to me in the eyes of most of this country, I am a “neither here nor there” or “it”; or worse a “boy” who dresses up as a girl. All my life I since I was born I knew I was different, I knew I am a girl. I knew I am not a normal girl. What I did not know was how difficult most of society would find to accept me, or even come to terms with who I am. And terms like “woman trapped in a man’s body” are so alien to me. More than a third of me am female, still I do not understand why the wrong descriptions are used. Let alone the labels.

Trans 101 is not difficult to understand, unless you do not wish to think about it. It is tiring to explain to people on this condition I am born with, especially when people still are fixated on a sex organ as the marker for gender. And a reassignment surgery is called “mutilation” by narrow-minded individuals, without realizing how cancerous something that does not belong to your body is to your soul. Many do not understand the intense distress I have waking up in the morning knowing exactly my person, and the struggles to get the reflection on the mirror to represent who I am correctly. I have a very hard life.

Yes, my life is supremely difficult. That shows it is not a choice that I am born a female this way. From what I have learnt, I know how to answer all the questions about me. But when some bigoted individuals cannot answer me in the light of reality and science, they use their belief and religious faith to get an extra mileage on the discussion. However, there lies the problem. Now that what you see in front of you, is an existing being and the truth that other possibilities can happen on sex and gender, and that you can examine me in the strictest of scrutiny as possible and still find me real; how are you going mold me back into your books? How are you going to get the sun to travel around the earth because the Bible says so?

I have nothing against anyone. I respect every individual. I do not discriminate anyone or harm anybody. So when I hear again and again the same echo-holic chamber members resounding the same fallacious arguments, with the same stubbornness to listen and accept, the same remarks that are a long way in describing who I am; it really makes me dizzy. I just want to let myself go, leave it and let live and move forward in life. I do not expect life to give me an easy time, but it is okay, that is life anyway. What I am asking for is the decency to know me, the pure me, before you judge me; eventhough your opinions on my sexual identity may be irrelevant, then at least treat me with the same measure of humanity that I share with you and everyone.

What's On Yuki's Mind: Stress, De-stress And No Stress.

2009-09-17T11:13:00.004+08:00

I noticed there is still a steady stream of visitors to my ranting space here, and I would like to thank everyone for letting me be part of your lives. I realized I have not been blogging for almost ten days now, and in the blogosphere it is a very long time. I have been under tremendous stress lately, which stems from my job and my environment. I do admit too that I am developing an obsession for my work and my weight, and both come with specific line of targets. I also noticed I am getting messy and clumsy, and having a bad sinus infection going towards last weekend did not help. I also banged the sides of my car twice while going to the parking area of my office these past 2 weeks. Yes, it has been a bad 2 weeks.

I will attempt to put Leona’s slot in soon too, and I do apologize for not doing that last week as I had to rest at home. Having read her latest blog entry in regards to the benign cyst within her breast, a lot of worries came to mind. As a transsexual female, I would face the same risks and challenges, and I do admit that my lifestyle habits like consuming alcohol places me in a position where danger lurks in the future. And I have very little cash to do regular medical checkups. But I guess in the end, moving on with life with a positive mind helps, and it starts by getting stress out of my life. And of course, exercise and water is always essential.

I never let situations bog me down before, and life does attempt to knock me down again and again. However, I should remind myself that I am still standing. Many would not stand by me, but at least I would learn how to stand alone. I am not exactly everyone’s favourite person, and as a transsexual there will often be bias, even from some quarters of the LGBT community. But looking at the mirror, if there are transsexual lives to affirm or to save, the first one should be the girl on the reflection. I should also recognize that stress kills. Because just like you are what you eat, you also are what you think. Having said that, I am not going to let all these situations keep me down. I will get on up, and keep on moving, as I always will.

"Living Leona" On The Box Of Chocolates.

2009-09-08T13:17:00.002+08:00

I am pleased to announce that starting from this weekend (with permission from Leona Lo), I will be publishing Leona Lo’s articles and writings from her archived past blog site and media as a weekender edition here at Yuki’s Box Of Chocolates for the benefit of transgenders especially transsexuals here in Malaysia. “Living Leona” would be a selection of Leona Lo’s thought provoking and sensitive expressions in words. I share her views on most issues pertaining to our community. I am proud to be her friend. :- )

The Best From The Archives Of "The Journey Of Yuki" - Dr. Andrea Macari On The Ex-Gay Myth.

2009-09-04T13:35:00.005+08:00

"Reparative pseudo-therapy (ex-gay ministries) is based on no science whatsoever", says Dr. Andrea Macari, a leading authorative source in psychology.

"It is essential that if you are gay, you go to a therapist who is trained in dealing with these types of issues, who has a clear understanding of where they stand when it comes to issues of sexual orientation. Otherwise you have the person's own stigma, own prejudices, coming in the way of your therapy and that is the last thing you want to do."

Question and Think next time you plan to bring someone (or someone asks you) to go to an ex-gay ministry or a reparative therapist.

Which is myth and which is truth? Just one example will do.

The American Academy of Pediatrics
The American Counseling Association
The American Psychiatric Association
The American Psychological Association
The National Association of School Psychologists
The National Association of Social Workers
and others:

"477,000 health and mental health professionals, have all taken the position that homosexuality is not a mental disorder, and thus there is no need for a “cure.” "

"the idea that homosexuality is a mental disorder, or that the emergence of same-gender sexual desires among some adolescents is in any way abnormal or mentally unhealthy, has no support among health and mental health professional organizations."

This is the current medical and scientific psychological opinion.

Ex-gay ministries would have you believe that this is created by a pro-gay "agenda". It is so easy to believe them if you share their dogmatic musings and shallow minds.

But think for a moment, would it be much easier for about 95% of the heterosexual population of the world to pressure these medical professionals to change the stance?

Even the 35% percent of the Christian population of the world could do that, right?

But no, there is no "agenda" that created such strong stance from these experts of their field; it is born of decades of pure peer reviewed research and studies. Even the 1,000 plus NARTH tried to change this last year by annoying the American Psychological Association (APA) but unfortunately they would not budge.

Because everyone now knows this is the TRUTH.

"As these statements make clear, health and mental health professional organizations do not support efforts to change young people’s sexual orientation through “reparative therapy” and have raised serious concerns about its potential to do harm."

Check out stories on Beyond Ex-Gay on those who have gone through ex-gay ministries and other reparative therapy methods and survived the experience. Some are even the former leaders of such ministries in the past, but had made public apologies since. Maybe it is time for the current leaders to admit their white lies.

Published in "The Journey Of Yuki" on Friday, May 2, 2008
________________________________________________________

New Update:

In a latest resolution by the American Psychological Association (APA), after reviewing most all the evidences and researches from all sides throughout the decades, the APA now strongly uphold this:

Please read the brief on this at XGW.

What's On Yuki's Mind: Ex-Transgender? Serious?!

2009-08-29T18:22:00.005+08:00

Seriously, I do not mean to tease, but I really spent a good few minutes laughing like a mad woman who came out from some hidden jungle when Edmund Smith (ex-gay ministry, RLM) started using the term ex-transgender few months back. It was just so insane thinking about it. I mean how do you EX an internal condition? How do you fix Complete Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome? How to you cure 5-Alpha Reductase Deficiency? And how the heck do you deal with Hermaphrodism? It is so crazy that for a person who does not know differences between sex and gender, having zero knowledge on Harry Benjamin Syndrome; he would claim to be ex-transgender, without realising that gender cannot be ex-ed! It is like saying I am ex-hearted (for sex) or ex-hungry (for gender). LOL. This thingy has become a nice joke whenever I need one!

The Doraemon.

2009-08-20T11:37:00.010+08:00

I was given a Doraemon plush toy by my lady boss last month, and he has been with me for almost a month now. He kept me in comfort when I sleep at night, and I wish it happy resting before I go to work. I was deprived of any plush toys when I was young by my parents who feared that I would turn out into a female side they are ashamed of. When I received presents for Christmas, it was always in the form of something like CDs and mugs. Nothing to do with my gender identity. On birthdays, my gifts were getting more and more stereotypically male from my younger days till my last big birthday party a few years ago, from a He-Man toy to a Manchester United jersey. Nothing to do with my gender identity. So when the Doraemon spent his first nights with me, memories flood back to those days between my childhood years until the time I came out again. How I cried and cried when my mom denied me a teddy bear, to the time I was coerced into destroying my Debbie Gibson and Tiffany cassette tapes by church members. How much of time I have lived away from my real self. A girl that nobody wants in their world. When the anti-gay and "ex-gay" Real Love Ministry appeared in my life, I was given the choice again. Their false choice is one of complete ignorance to my being, and invalidating my life's existence. My choice is to live in honesty and integrity as who I am, as who God made me to be.

His girl. A lady. And now with a Doraemon plush toy to boot.

Job Vacancies At Animation International (Malaysia) Sdn Bhd.

2009-08-18T16:34:00.014+08:00

Vacancies are available at this great organization.

Do spread the word around about promising careers there.

.........................................................................................................................................................................

Animation International (M) Sdn Bhd represents Doraemon, Crayon Shin Chan and a host of other Japanese anime cartoon characters. We provide the rights for customers to use our distinguished cartoon characters for their merchandizing, promotions, advertising and events in Malaysia. We are currently looking for new members to join our exciting and dynamic team in the following capacities:

Receptionist

Minimum:
. Secondary education.
. 18 years old.

Ability:
. Work in a team environment without politicking.
. Converse, read and write in English.

Advantage:
. Communicate in Chinese dialects.
. Neat and organized.

Start:
. Immediately / short notice.

Sales

Minimum:
. Secondary education.
. 18 years old.
. 1-2 years sales experience.

Ability:
. Work in a team environment without politicking.
. Work under pressure.
. Converse, read and write in English.
. Own transport.
. Travel occasionally.
. Use spreadsheets.
. Use personal computers.

Advantage:
. Communicate in Chinese dialects.
. Some internet knowledge.
. Peasant disposition.

Start:
. Immediately / short notice.

Marketing

Minimum:
. Secondary education.
. 1-2 years marketing experience.
. 18 years old.

Ability:
. Multitask.
. Work in a team environment without politicking.
. Work under pressure.
. Converse, read and write in English.
. Own transport.
. Travel occasionally.
. Use PowerPoint.
. Use personal computers.

Advantage:
. Communicate in Chinese dialects.
. Some knowledge in creation of proposals.
. Some knowledge of personal computers.

Start:
. Immediately / short notice.

Emcee for Events (part-time)

Ability:
. Work in a team environment without politicking.
. Converse, read and write in English.
. Speak eloquently and articulately.
. Travel occasionally.

Advantage:
. Good rapport among children alongside adults.

Only shortlisted candidates would be notified for the interview.

All successful applicants will be based at Solaris, Mon't Kiara.

Salary package for successful applicants would be at the good discretion of the management.

Please e-mail your applications and resumes to Ms. Chong:

wenhuey@animation-int.com.my

or fax to: (603) 6203 6820.

A Lesser Malaysian?

2009-08-14T12:29:00.000+08:00

Listening to all the recent 1Malaysia songs really get me annoyed. I mean, can I be who I am and still be part of this country? Again I stress, I have a medical condition. Unfortunately, almost zero doctors in Malaysia know anything about Harry Benjamin Syndrome or transsexualism. I am recognized as a male, even though medically I am a female, and should be recognized as one. I face some risk of rape, violence and death in this country. There is no education to inform the public about a person like me. Religion is often used as means to damn me and lead me away from what is real. Science in Malaysia has fallen so far back I do not exist yet. Then add the prejudice, bigotry and discrimination. Am I less of a Malaysian?

Yuki's Choice Reading:
Harry Benjamin Syndrome: Standard Of Care.
American Psychological Association: Transgenders.

Do Not Complain If You Have Shortages In Your Blood Bank... It Is You People Who Ask Us To Stay Away... Anyway....

2009-08-13T10:07:00.007+08:00

It is one thing for the medical field in this country to be totally ignorant and unknowledgeable about transsexualism. But with already strong three decades of research and findings on HIV/AIDS and a host of other sexually transmitted diseases, we would have thought Malaysia would know better. So when I saw an advertisement while I was having dinner at Damansara, which asked people to donate blood, some of the requirements were really ridiculous, and affirms Malaysia’s reputation of being backwards.

I run some checks in the net; it rings true through all blood donation drives. No homosexual relationships and bisexual relationships allowed. You are simply not eligible to donate blood if you are attracted to the same sex or both. Take this as an example from UM Medical Centre.

This kind of thinking, that by default, being same-sex attracted is somehow an automatic license to getting tainted blood in your body is completely stupid and archaic, and shows just how much medical professionals here know about HIV/AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases. That means, in their estimation, a homosexual in a monogamous relationship with a partner is liable to get diseases in a way equivalent to heterosexuals having multiple sexual partners. It also means that a bisexual person like me, who dislikes sex, have automatic dirty blood, that because of my attractions, my blood is of lesser quality than norm.

And for those homosexual women and lesbians (whom from some of my friends, most hate needles and seeing blood anyway), the only group that poses the most less risk of contracting any sexually transmitted diseases if they do have sex, are also included in this exclusive group of having instant bad blood just because they happen to be same-sex attracted. This thinking stinks of idiotic biased dogmas.

In any case, my blood is unfortunately clean as a transsexual. But I do not qualify because I am on medication. So I am happy to forget about ever donating blood. Many homosexuals I know who obsess about their health so much so that they are healthier than normal heterosexual men, and hardly have sex, well they would not bother donating blood anyway, and not that they care. The homosexual groups I know worry about diseases far more so than their hetero opposites. So, what a waste of “natural resources” for Malaysia. Thank you Malaysia for discrimination. You deserve no good blood from us.

Literally.

The Star Newspaper Dishonours Murdered Transwoman.

2009-08-07T17:41:00.004+08:00

I was feeling low the past couple of weeks with some deaths around my life. But I could not let this news pass by without saying something: Another transwoman has been murdered a couple of weeks back. The article was written again with indignant attitudes towards a transwoman who is already dead. I made some correct adjustments. The original poorly written article can be read here.

Transsexual woman dies after fight with customer

GEORGE TOWN:
An Indonesian transwoman died 12 hours after a fight with her “customer” who had refused to pay for services rendered.

The 27-year-old transsexual, whose identity was withheld, was found in a pool of blood by a security guard at the ground floor foyer of Komtar at 4am on Thursday.

She died at the Penang Hospital due to head injuries. Police said the post-mortem revealed that the victim, who had undergone a sex operation, died from multiple blows to the head with a hard object.

George Town OCPD Asst Comm Azam Abd Hamid said the transwoman was also robbed of her valuables and personal documents.

The Star, as NST had done before, once again displayed a total lack of journalistic integrity by calling an already post-operated transsexual woman with male pronouns and identified her as a “transvestite”. The least they can do if they are too ignorant to learn about the correct terms is to use the word transgender. But no, they had to antagonize an already dead woman by identifying her as a crossdresser.

It is like calling The Star, a national paper, out as a tabloid paper, which apparently would still be true considering they had shrunk down to the level of one; by over-obsessing over her “services”, keeping silent on her identity, pool of blood talk, her surgery, how she died, was robbed of everything important to her… hey, what about the murderer? No mention of how the killer look like? No leads? Or it is okay that the murderer got away…. And based on the style of this article, we can safely conclude that The Star lacks English vocabulary, have some confused general knowledge, and discriminates minorities.

It saddens me to add one more item to the list for Transgender Day Of Remembrance. This is the second reported murder in Malaysia. I shudder to think how many of us died unreported, and unknown.

Shah Alam, And Some Parts Of Selangor May Be Going Beer-less.

2009-08-05T12:55:00.009+08:00

Having resided in Selangor for so many years, from Sunway City to Damansara Utama, it is news like this that makes me faint. Before I say any further, please let it be put into record that when I attempted to renew my Identification Card at Shah Alam, I was turned away and was not allowed to do so unless I cut my hair. And the officers have this aura of king-hoods about them. Yikes! The main city of Selangor contains such village mentality and vision? You bet! Then when I had done it at Damansara, everything was so smooth and the officers there were oh so friendly. The spirit of Malaysia seemed to be divided around.

Anyway, fast forward to the recent news of the raid at a 7-Eleven outlet in Section 8, Shah Alam in which 70 cans of beer were seized, I must say this: this can only happen in very few countries. And Malaysia is one of them! Now, the odd thing is that the raid was done by the Municipal Council. It was reported that the decision was made during the council's meeting. So alcohol is banned? Nope. That was why they later returned the beer cans back to the shop. It was after many leaders came up to speak out against the “raid”. It was never going to stop there. The state then decided to regulate the sales of alcohol in the state, courtesy of the State Minister Tan Sri Khalid Ibrahim. Wonderful! Very soon, only Non-Muslims can touch beer cans now. Maybe?

And currently, we have an extremist from PAS, a religious party which in part forms the opposition party of Malaysia, Pakatan Rakyat: Datuk Dr Hassan Ali, who wants alcoholic beverages to be toed in line with the Syariah Enactment (a Muslim guideline). He also wants his DAP colleague to be removed from the government portfolio for meddling in the affairs of… the government collective itself. It gets even gets more insane when he requests establishments like 7-Eleven to bend their backs because there may be a “surau”, a Muslim prayer room, nearby. Now that we have the story, let us get to the thinking point of the issues.

This is in no way saying alcohol is good or bad. However, if taken in moderation, it is indeed good for health. Even some medications or lotions have alcohol in them. Doctors, yes even Muslim doctors, is exposed to alcohol all the time. So the reason why beer is so bad and will cause social ills is because of its alcohol on top of its barley content? I thought the only religious issue is the fear of “berkhayal”, or hallucinating? But hey, cigarettes contain drugs, but they are selling it anyway and many Malaysians are buying it regardless of race and religion. So that means there is nothing wrong with alcohol and everything else is subject to interpretation, and that includes drugs like nicotine.

Another matter of concern here is the so-called “residents” and their councilors who supposedly asked the Shah Alam Municipal Council to take action. Erm, so who are they? All I can hear is a PAS nutcase borrowing the strength of the word “residents” in order to do moral policing and control his own people. And most of all, he forgot us Non-Muslims, are also his people. Yep, let us remind him; we elected the opposition in order to wrestle the state away from the federal government who did not do their jobs for the state. We voted for change. So this is the change we are getting? Come on, grow up Mr. Hassan Ali.

And to add salt to our wounds, we Non-Muslims, are to go non-Muslim majority areas to get a decent beer. That means we have to drive out, or if we are staying there, move out. That means Mr. Hassan Ali’s suggestion not only discriminates against Muslims, he has silently advocated separation of Chinese and Indians, with Malay Muslims, which is contrary to 1Malaysia. Because if Muslims cannot touch a harmless can of beer (while smoking away), is it not obvious it will make Muslims lesser applicants for convenience shop jobs? It is no wonder then, that I see a lot of foreign workers at KK marts everywhere.

One rule for Muslims. One rule for Non-Muslims. The mixture of religion into the state. Indoctrinate and control your own people. Separate and alienate others. That is Malaysia today. Oh yes, it may turn into the only country in which convenience shops will transform into inconvenience shops if you wish to have a nice cold beer after an already hard day at work.

Yuki's Choice Reading:
Other opinions on the issue by Hafidz Baharom and Wong Chun Wai.

This Is What Bigotry And Prejudice Looks Like.

2009-07-31T16:15:00.003+08:00

In today’s Star newspaper, at the Opinions column, I noticed this letter written in by Saw Wee Leong from Shah Alam, Selangor. Saw claims that the conditions of Berjaya Park has deteriorated since 2001. And the situation is getting out of control. He feels the residents are now “prisoners” in their own homes, and a menace is out and about the place now, in place of residents roaming around it.

The person calls the menace; foreign workers. And what will happen if this menace is unguarded?

Social illnesses, diseases, etc, brought in and spread by the foreign workers
are inevitable.

It is amazing how as human beings will continue to view people different than ourselves as "social illnesses” and having some kind of disease. I wonder what is on this letter writer’s mind when he brands the vice of probably a few as the work of Foreign Workers (tm). These totally unjustifiable claims of moral and bodily sicknesses are all norms of course to the transgender, lesbian and gay community in Malaysia, and people are more than willing to agree with these ludicrous statements to confirm their bias, even though most of it is utterly bollocks. And annoyingly of course, by my experience talking to some of the more religious of people, they even invoke the name of God to make their false claims, some even hiding behind their "love".

Sad.

I am looking forward for the movie District 9. It shows exactly just how hospitable people we are. And the theme is all so common. We do not like people who are different. In this movie, we even discriminate against aliens. A reminder of the idiots we have become in order to exert our superiority over other living beings. If the world ever ends, it would be because of the actions stemming from hate.

Anyway, why not love, love, love?

What's On Yuki's Mind: How I Feel About Some People Sometimes.

2009-07-30T19:03:00.005+08:00

I have a medical condition, and I am not living a “lifestyle” nor have any choice in being who I am.

I am not in denial, why should you be?

If you wish to treat me as who you think I am based on your ignorance, it is fine by me.

I know I am a woman, if I am deluded I would not even realize who I am, or able to function as a human.

I do realize you love to judge people by your obsession with sex organs.

Unfortunately, many things in relations to sex and gender, and even life, are ambiguous.

But of course, you are too lazy to learn, or too deep into your lust of intolerance to even find out.

You even wish to misuse God to justify your bigotry?

You think you know me more than I know myself?

You are even confusing sex and gender, and you wish to tell me how to run my life?

This is me. I am a woman; a different, but a very normal woman.

Live with it; because I am.

Some Positive Developments As Most LGBTs Are Now Aware About Real Love Ministry.

2009-07-18T16:23:00.013+08:00

Edmund Smith’s Real Love Ministry (RLM) have lost nearly all its influence on those born comfortable with their sexual orientation here in Malaysia. With his blatant false witness for homosexuals and transgenders using ambiguous information, along with redefining science and social constructs to fit his agenda; Edmund Smith has turned RLM into a heterosexist cult bent on justifying discrimination against homosexuals and transgenders using whatever means, including trying to get gays and lesbians sexually attracted to the opposite sex, and disguising their deception behind "love" and "God". Such miseducation only breeds contempt for those who understand about themselves, same-sex attractions and gender identity.

Lately he started wearing the “ex-transgender” tag (since transgenderism, or gender variance, is mostly a biological condition, I wonder how he “ex-ed” it. I mean, can you be ex-cerebral palsy or ex-A-blood?), after he yet again tarnished the invisible enemies he created called “pro-gays” and using the annoying word “lifestyle” out of context, which until now he still does not know the meaning and as usual twisting its definition to suit his “sermon". As a result, many have become ex-Christians because of him. Lately, sources mentioned that after more than a decade attempting to hijack people's sexual orientation, he only got a handful of “ex-gays”, which he calls people living in celibacy or the “heterosexual lifestyle” (What? So even this is different from “ex-gay lifestyle”? If you find this nauseating, it is because it is dizzying). People now can see and realize from the abysmal results of his "ministry", that his "change" is nothing but a way to make money and gain popularity at the expense homosexuals and transgenders by using societal prejudices against them and victimizing the very people he claims to love by the misuse of God's name.

Ergo, since almost all gays and lesbians with transgenders are now aware of his discriminatory antics, and how he cheats and uses LGBT people for his own gain; he has now adjusted his indoctrination level of parents and friends of LGBTs to full scale parroting of all the wrong stuff about homosexuals and transgenders, misinforming as much of them as possible, using lies and deception to paint homosexuals and transgenders in the most loving worse light possible to gain support from unsuspecting parents and friends of LGBTs. Unfortunately for him, PFLAG Malaysia has now been established, and I will be joining with them soon on ways to lessen the damage he is causing LGBTs in Malaysia. I was wondering to start an ex-gay survivors meet, but I realized that would not be necessary. Very few people are taken in by the snake-oil cure promised by them.

Whatever happens between now and years to come, they will be known among LGBTs as the ugly sister of the ex-gay ministries, and will leave a legacy of pain and hurt as they pronounce damnation of homosexuals and transgenders. And with his own shallow understanding of sexual orientations, his self created idealogy of transgenders that have no bearing in science, also his picking and choosing of information to present, coupled with his refusal to learn the real deal about LGBTS; not many people can relate to Edmund being a gay, as if he was never gay in the first place. If there is one person, and one ministry, that is the fine example of what “Christians” should not be, Edmund Smith and RLM are the definitive examples in Malaysia.

Yuki Choe wishes to thank Raymond and friends from NGOs such as PT Foundation in Malaysia, and several individuals from the Annexe Gallery for helping to keep track and spread awareness of the irresponsible activities of Edmund Smith and his cronies, and also giving me advice and proper channels to educate people on the harmful effects of the medically and scientifically rejected practices of reparative therapy performed by these so-called ex-gay ministries, while offering support to the LGBT community as a whole to affirm and strengthen ties the love for who they are. It is not easy being different, and it is even harder to live with these groups making us victims of their money making and controlling schemes, but it is in these challenges that we shall become better people and live wonderful lives.

There will be more battles ahead, as we tackle the more vile and extremely manipulative ex-gays from "Pursuing Liberty Under Christ".

The Century.

2009-07-08T20:07:00.003+08:00

This is the 100th post here. And one year has past since the events of Chonburi unfolded. What a year it has been. But I certainly learnt a lot. And I guess one of the biggest lessons I learnt thus far is to choose relationships wisely. From my husband throwing me out like a dirty diaper to most friends who are uneasy of me, everything is an experience that points out this: not everyone that loves you or likes you, really do. I also realize I love my dad so much, and I have found peace and solace in my being. Of course, there are still the endless series of unfortunate events that happen in my life, but I am handling it better now than I did a year ago. I am thankful for my two incredible bosses who supported me all the way.

I accepted that things are never going to be easy for a transsexual woman like me. People will always assume things about me, and some will think they know me better than I know myself. There are also dumb asses who even after so much proof about the biology of transsexuals, they still turn their ignorant senses away, do not wish to answer valid questions, and pretend to be someone who knows transgenders more than transgenders know themselves, to the point they can become the word “judge”.

I am no longer speaking on behalf of the LGB community and only focus on ex-gay and transgender issues; even then I have so many problems keeping up. I got like 2 articles still unfinished and one big heck of a story coming up for XGW, but did not have time to finish it up or to travel to get the items needed. And as the probation period at my company comes to an end, there is a fear of what will happen to me for my future. At this point, I remember what my friend from Singapore told me before. We only have death to face. So what else is there for us to fear? Which is true. I never thought I would be able to continue my life last year. But here I am, with my 100th post. Wishing everyone, happiness.

What's On Yuki's Mind: Depression VS Positive Thinking.

2009-07-07T10:07:00.004+08:00

When circumstances are against you.

When friends turn you into an island.

When being who you are is not as rosy as it turns out to be.

When people ignore you from their social circles.

When the environment you are in makes you depressed.

When nobody understands you.

When you are just left alone with you.

So in the end when it all happens what is left?

You?

But you are still alive?

When are you going to die?

But that is the point.

You are not dead yet.

So what are you going to do?

Just live.

And have a life.

Life Is Beautiful.

If all the things that had happened fail to kill you...

... it means you deserve every chance to live....

Michael Jackson... Now In Heaven....

2009-06-26T17:36:00.005+08:00

I am really too sad to write anything proper now. I wanted to write this in the morning. And I know I owe an RIP post to a favourite entertainer of mine when I was a child throughout my teenage years, who passed away today. Life has been so unfair to him. He gave us his best music, his best dance, his best performances even though he had lost all his childhood while entertaining us. What do people gave him in return? The name calling like “wacko jacko”, children’s mothers exploiting him for millions of cash, chastising him for having childlike interests and so forth. In the end, his heart still shone. It was already reported he was not in good shape a couple of months back, but still pledged himself to 50 concerts in the UK. He even dedicated 100 over unreleased songs to his children. He has always been a good human being with a good heart. It is really a hole in the world now that he is gone. He will be greatly missed.

Take care in heaven, Michael Jackson.

Yuki's Thoughts: I removed a funny post about him. I just want to remember him as he is. A great artiste, and a sensitive soul.

The Best From The Archives Of "The Journey Of Yuki" - Who are we to judge Sufiah Yusuf?

2009-06-24T20:05:00.010+08:00

I have been following the story of Sufiah Yusuf (Shilpa Lee) with interest. At 13 she is a math genius and now as a young adult she is a full-time escort. What disgusts me is the reaction of the worldwide moral police consisting of bloggers, religious people and journalists having their own opinions on why she choose the life of an escort. It goes from “Blame the father” to “Pressure from young age” then “Divorce from her husband”. Reactions consists of “She needs to 'bertaubat' (repent)” to “sad state of mind” then “unlucky”, recently “look at the kind of money she is making!”

I find all these very silly indeed. I had a chat with my friend recently about her and we both agree, we should stop making assumptions and just listen to what she had to say. And she finally uttered this sentence, “By the time I was 15 I wanted to be in control of my life. I fought back”. This sentence seemed to be virtually ignored by every person reading her story. In fact, many quarters still wishes to define her for herself when she is already in control of her life. In fact, everyone is trying to act like they know her, still repeating the really annoying dogma of “Blame the father!”.

She was 15 when she decided to take control of her life. I wish I had the courage and determination to do so at that age. When I was her age, until a few years back I was still being controlled by people; parents, church members, friends, teachers and boyfriends/girlfriends. They imposed what they believed was for the good of me when it made me a severely confused girl who is trying to be a boy to please everyone. Whatever I do was taken under scrutiny. In the process, I lost the soul of what makes me, me. I became the parody of each and everyone's definition of the surname “Choe”.

If I had chose to stop listening too much to people at that age, and start to question and think for myself, I would have a hard a life as a transsexual female at a very young age. But at least I know I would be happy. But knowing that at 30 plus I am finally in control of my life makes me realise it is not too late. And of course, there are the usual ridiculous assumptions of what made me “become” this way; “Must be the mother”, “She had been sexually abused”, “The last girlfriend must have hurt this person so badly”, and a host of other fallacy of ambiguities. All post hoc, ergo propter hoc.

I took control of my life as Sufiah Yusuf did. I wish I had the maturity to do so at her age. But at least I am on my way. Sufiah Yusuf is now happy in her career and we all should just leave her alone. We talk so much about “blame the father”, but are we not doing the same things the father did? The father pressured her when she was too young to be a math prodigy, did we not say that? And look what we are doing now. We are pressuring her to “repent” and we made out her story like a personal disaster movie; but she already stated that she is happy her life had turned out this way.

And what is wrong with being a escort? The calls of “sin” again? Are we not sinful too? And I sincerely ask every women reading my humble blog here this question. Since most of us Malaysia women would also have our chance encounters with men until we slept with them for the night, which is better, to give men sex for free or to give men sex for money? This is a controversial subject, but just think. How many one night stands had some of us women had with just a “mamak” supper to show for. If we call her a “hooker” for earning her kind of money, what about us then?

Let us all just respect her for her decision. Who are we to judge her? Are we giving her money to use in United Kingdom? Are we feeding her or clothing her? For goodness sake, she is taking care of her own life. It is time we should leave her alone. We would bear consequences of our own fallen nature, and similarly would not like to be judged in the same manner. And she is smart enough to know she cannot be in this field of work forever. And we cannot live forever without taking care of ourselves too. It is insane trying to control or define Sufiah Yusuf when we do not even know her.

It is time for us to stop condemning or pitying or judging her. It is time for us to start listening to her, because she is happy in her life. We would be ultra shallow to resort to condescending remarks about her when we have our own problem and our lives to live. How would we feel if we were to be under the same scrutiny and being defined by everyone around us? We surely would not like that. To Sufiah Yusuf, I give you my sincere high 5 . You are a very brave young woman. Even though everyone thinks you are crazy, you are an inspiration to me. Take care, all the best for the future.

Selective wit and wisdom of Sufiah Yusuf (Shilpa Lee):

"People think escorting is sleazy and terrible but I don’t see it like that,”

"I hate this stereotype society has of escorts as being exploited. It is so far from the truth. My clients treat me like a princess. One guy took me shopping on Bond Street. He bought me a beautiful black Gucci dress for £300 (RM1,920) and then took me to Selfridges, where I could pick a handbag I liked.”

"As I grew older, I began to clash with my father. He was violent at times. He pushed me so far academically, I became more confident for any girl my age. I grew up too quickly.”

"Oxford was an amazing place but I was too young. By the time I was 15, I wanted to be in control of my life. I fought back,”

"I have never felt so confident about my body and I’ve had some of the best sex of my life”

Yuki's thoughts:

She Is Da Bomb! Kinda Inspire Me To Really Do Something About My Body. : )

Published in "The Journey Of Yuki" on Monday, April 7, 2008

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Responses from commenters:

There are still responses up to this month on this post at "The Journey Of Yuki".

Anonymous said...
so ur point is she became in control of her life by becoming a hooker??
and its ok 4 sumones husband 2 fuk this hooker n keep her on the syd? wud it b ok if it was ur husband?
wud it b ok if ur daughter sold her body 4 one night?
she cud have ne job she wants 2 match her 60k but no she chooses 2 slp around n make her cash!!
standing ovation 3 her!!
man!!.... i so wish she was my mummy or my sister!

December 22, 2008 8:31 AM

Vivienne Yuki Choe said...
I am not as liberal as to encourage people to go into prostitution, but I do encourage people to live their lives the best way they can be, and that no one can judge another person when all of us have our own skeletons to deal with. This is also a sexist issue, with a variety of opinions that may arise from the sort of questions you posed to me.

If she were to sleep with my husband, I would not blame her. I would blame my husband for not being able to control his dick.

If my daughter were to sell her body for one night I would not mind. I find it more a disgrace if she were to go around giving out sex for free. But of course I would hope this only a temporary experimentation of her life.

Hope you understand what I mean. :)

December 22, 2008 2:31 PM

Anonymous said...
Dear Yuki. How deep n wide is your way of thinking. Perhaps too advance ya. I do agree that we shouldn't judge one, the way people would love to see Ms. Yusuf in her life.
Yet when U touched an issue about ur own daughter, then I must say.. Hmhmh... She is more than something.. Hope our life even better (with our own belief..). Salam.

March 21, 2009 6:07 PM

Anonymous said...
you are intellectual assholes with little or no idea of the truth behind this...you accept what you read asking only surface questions...she did not disappear from oxford uni of her own volition...i was there at the time...her childhood has very little to do with her set of problems...look at ALL the evidence...

April 17, 2009 7:05 AM

Anonymous said...
here is a clue for all the idiots out there...HEADLINE: THE BRIGHTEST FAMILY IN BRITAIN
SUBHEAD: AND THEY ACHIEVED IT BY REJECTING EVERYTHING THAT WE BELIEVE IN
BYLINE: JANE KELLY
TITLE: Daily Mail
DATE: 16/10/1998
EDITION: 1ST
the dad trashed Britain in this interview...Sufiah soon disappeared after this...who would have been pissed off by this?

April 17, 2009 7:16 AM

Anonymous said...
the brits play it by the rules and the world is still flat...right?

April 17, 2009 7:30 AM

Anonymous said...
very little of the facts have ever been reported...what sufiah has been telling the papers are porkies...from beginning to end everything has been stage-managed...she was not with her family when she disappeared...if she had problems how did her other siblings manage to graduate with no probs? i saw her many times at oxford uni...she was busy attending extreme left wing meetings...these were weird people with extreme agendas..anarchy and the rest...her behaviour since hasn't surprised me one bit...she was easily led and an idiot when it came to judging people. once cut off from all her family, friends and roots and under the control of the social services at the farthest corner of england it's hardly surprising she lost her bearings...when she first disappeared she was phoning not her home as the brit media has claimed but her much older left wing buddies who were now pulling all the strings...do you really think the brit establishment would have accepted the real truth to emerge given her status and the damage this could have done to their reputation. bs about the family was the easier route...it's called plausible deniability...given 'the natives' have swallowed all the bs the brits have done a good job!
April 17, 2009 11:25 AM

Anonymous said...
you know, i've never really took any notice on news. i really have no idea what goes on in the world and only about what goes on in my world because the bigger world just gives you more to worry about. but this sufiah story is funny. it was just talk of the town and yes, i agree with you that people that don't even know her and talk about her but.. that's what people are like now days. they like to talk, gossip.. make other peoples lives feel like shit and feel good about it. point out other peoples flaws oblivious that people are doing the same about them. sufiah went into the real world at an early age. most malaysians still live with our parents at 30. so when does that technically mean? she's already friggin smart, she's gorgeous, and she might just actually be an amazing person.. so that's an excellent combo of a person. and making money for being the amazing person you are? that's a friggin awesome job. by being yourself and making a living out of it. you'd be surprised what kind of people her clients may be. if she's an escort, escorts are well maintained and paid real good money. if you want sex, you pay more. but these people are mainly rich gentlemen. some may be dicks but you'll never know till you see right. gosh, it's like Pretty Women. and i loved that friggin movie. only difference is that sufiah is super smart and doesn't need to go to school anymore. Oxford. HELLO! 13! HELLO! how many of those do you see everyday? well, maybe now days got la a few but still!! maybe one day she will find her knight in shining platinum armor and quit all that and be the happiest she could ever be. no one wants your children or hubands or yourselves to be that way.. it's just a question.

June 17, 2009 4:03 AM

Yuki's Thoughts:
Thanks for all your thoughts and commentaries, though I wish commenters stop being "Annonymous". I have an identity. So does Sufiah Yusuf. As for the Annonymous who trashed her with 4 comments in a row, at least she has an identity and lives by it. She is not a coward. That is why I respect her. Her happiness, hooker or not, cannot take away dignity. The pot shots trying to tarnish her means nothing. Whatever she does in the future, I say all the best.

Britney Spears Sings... About Being Britney Spears... And Gives Us More As Promised....

2009-06-21T14:40:00.004+08:00

I thought I am just mistaken, but I just took a careful look at the lyrics of the past few hits she has since her “resurrection”, and I found out that our ex-teen sensation is singing about being Britney Spears!

Just look at some of these sentences from the verses and chorus of “Circus”:

There's only two types of people in the world
The ones that entertain, and the ones that observe
Well baby, I'm a put on a show kind of girl
Don't like the back seat, gotta be first

There's only two types of guys out there
Ones that can hang with me, and ones that are scared
So baby, I hope that you came prepared
I run a tight ship, so beware

All eyes on me in the center of the ring,
Just like a circus
When I crack that whip, everybody gonna trip,
Just like a circus
Don't stand there watching me, follow me,
Show me what you can do
Everybody let go, we can make a dance floor,
Just like a circus

Then take a reading on some of the wordings in “Piece Of Me”. It is so obvious!:

I'm Miss American Dream since I was 17
Don't matter if I step on the scene
Or sneak away to the Philippines
They still got pictures of my derri¨re in the magazine
You want a piece of me?
You want a piece of me...
I'm Miss bad media karma
Another day another drama
Guess I can't see no harm
In working and being a mama
And with a kid on my arm
I'm still an exception
And you want a piece of me

I'm Mrs. 'You want a piece of me?'
Tryin' and pissin' me off
Well get in line with the paparazzi
Who's flippin' me off
Hopin' I'll resort to startin' havoc
And end up settlin' in court
Now are you sure you want a piece of me?
I'm Mrs. 'Most likely to get on TV for strippin' on the streets'
When getting the groceries, no, for real..
Are you kidding me?
Causing panic in the industry

I'm Mrs. Lifestyles of the rich and famous
(You want a piece of me)
I'm Mrs. Oh my God that Britney's Shameless
(You want a piece of me)
I'm Mrs. Exta! Extra! this just in
(You want a piece of me)
I'm Mrs. she's too big now she's too thin
(You want a piece of me)

Okay, okay... more self-inflated ego up ahead from “Gimme More”....:

It's Britney Bitch
I see you,
And i just wanna dance with you

Everytime they turn the lights down
Just wanna go that extra mile for you
You got my display of affection
Feels like no one else in the room (but you)

The center of attention, even when we're up against the wall
You got me in a crazy position (uh huh)
If you're on a mission (ooh)
You got my permission oh

We can get down like there's no one around
We keep on rocking, we keep on rockin'
Cameras are flashing while we're dirty dancing
They keep watching, keep watchin'
Feels like the the crowd was saying

Gimme Gimme more
Gimme more
Gimme gimme more
[x4]

[Spoken]
I just can't control myself, more
They want more?
Well I'll give them more (ow!)

Oh dear, she meant ever word she said! Let us read the last lines again:

[Spoken]
I just can't control myself, more
They want more?
Well I'll give them more (ow!)

And She Did!

Am I naughty.. am I naughty... yes I am! BRITNEY SPEARS GIVES US MORE.. AND THIS TIME NAKED....!

Goodness me! I did not know she is so serious about it!

Malays And Mak Nyah.

2009-06-19T19:39:00.003+08:00

I took some time to surf the Malay blogesphere, and shockers! The amount of ignorance shown by many in the Malay community on transgender issues is horrible. Their sickening behaviour shows when they make us into a comedy, to having an actual anti-transgender hate blog. However, there are good people around Malays, so I am pleased to have stopped and read some of the sensitive and unbiased commentaries on a post in Basuh Baju, and left them a comment. It seems there is still a huge gap between perceived transsexualim, and the truth on this issue.

Commentary in malay language. Apologies to overseas readers. I am using Malay just this once.

Saya seorang yang tak berapa tahu bahasa Melayu, tetapi saya akan cuba.

Sebenarnya, terdapat banyak confusion dalam hal mak nyah ni. Dalam golongan ni, banyak overlap diantara transsexual dan transvestite, terutamanya sekali bila akhbar Bahasa Inggeris selalu menggunakan perkataan transvestite tanpa pengetahuan apa ertinya.

Transsexual adalah satu sindrom yang telah dikenali dalam bidang sains sebagai condition intersex, iaitu masalah organ sex tidak ngam dengan kromosom (Sindrom Klinefelter atau Turner, xxy, xyy), psikologi (bilanan neuron dalam Limbic Neucleus seseorang adalah opposite organ sex mereka) atau biologi (2 organ sex yang berlainan, Complete Androgen Insensitivity Syndrom atau CAIS), 5ARD, 17BHDD dan sebagainya.

Transsexualism adalah masalah medical yang patut dibantu oleh doktor dan pakar kesihatan. Masalahnya, negara ini agak lambat dalam mendalami pengetahuan tentang sindrom ini, yang dipanggil Gender Identity Disorder.

Dan kerana itu, pengambilan hormon yang berlebihan mengakibatkan kerosakan fungsi hormon dalam badan dan seseorang transsexual itu akan setiasa dalam mood swings, panic attacks, depression dan sebagainya. Ia juga boleh mengakibatkan kerosakan limpa, otak, jantung dalam jangka masa panjang.

Transsexual adalah perempuan tetapi lain daripada yang lain disebabkan organ sex mereka disebabkan GID. Dan cure? Itu mestilah tengok doktor yang berpengalaman, lepas tu ambil ubat yang diberi oleh doktor, dan tak overdose. Kalau memang seseorang tu betul-betul transsexual, dia adakn ada surat pengesahan dari doktor untuk menjalani operation penukaran organ jantina. Tapi tiada sistem dan pengetahuan tentang transsexual dalam negara ini, jadi banyak masalah berlaku.

Juga ada golongan transvestite. Golongan ini adalah lelaki yang suka memakai baju perempuan. Golongan ini lain daripada transsexual, sebab golongan ini masih bangga dengan kelakian mereka. Ada yang sudah berkahwin pun. Ini disebabkan unsur berahi sex atau hobi.

Tidak ada satupun study sains yang ada authority, peer previewed daripada badan antarabangsa tang mengaitkan transsexual kepada mecam mana mereka growing up. Masalahnya, banyak unsur unsur bias agama Abrahamic (Christian, Islam) yang confuse the reality dan facts tentang kondisi ini. Jadi kerana kontroversi, I tak mahu komen tentang ini di sini.

Harap sekalian boleh memahami. Dengan understanding dan tiada diskriminasi, mungkin golongan kami boleh berkerja seperti human being biasa tanpa prejudis, dan bolehlah mereka hidup tanpa hina menjual badan diri mereka sendiri pada street. Or course, banyak yang ada pilihan untuk tidak membuat kegiatan terkutuk tu. Yang itu pun I tak mahu komen lah. Kalau terdesak tak ape. Tapi kalau boleh beli kereta dan masih macam tu, I of course bengang juga.

Terima kasih.

During my search, I find that most of the Malaysian tabloid media and blogs still sensationalize transgender issues, mostly not knowing anything but still talking about it, ranging from trying to demonize, to implying transgenders are lesser than human beings. This is so disgusting. Some words parroted out is like "Saya benci Mak Nyah" (I hate transgenders). Funny, they cannot even differenciate a homosexual and a transgender. And they try so hard to get the ugliest transgenders out to point something they can paint negatives on. By not having met the healthy me, I guess that proves how narrow minded many Malaysians is. Sigh, Where is my country?

Yuki's Thoughts: Homosexuals are the last to look for a girl like me for a relationship... because they want men! When you start to know this, then perhaps it is just by chance. Not.

Past Life Experience Intruding On Present Time.

2009-06-15T09:12:00.004+08:00

This month is a meaningful month for me. Today, the last month of my probation period of the best job I will ever have in my life, commences. I will never get another job like this, and even in the midst of my struggles, I intend to fight like it is my whole life here just to keep it. And one of my struggles is still emotional. Two weeks from now, it will be the first year anniversary of separation between me and my ex-husband (usually, I would say "soon to be" because we are not divorced yet, but since he is history I will label him that).

I admit the manner he left me still sours my heart every time I think about it. Sometimes, it consumes my soul in the middle of some cold nights that I cannot sleep. He is no longer speaking out for the T community (so much for his so-called advocacy work). The last I heard from him, he claimed his cerebral palsy ex-wife is no longer under his care. Since he is a delusional jerk, I would not be surprised if they actually took her away. An overindulgent obsession of UFOs enough to abandon his only registered family is not exactly normal behaviour.

I still dream of the day I was at Suporn Clinic, then heading towards the hotel room waiting for my surgery, last year. The impact of having my surgery cancelled by my ex-husband is still felt today, and I know however I try to forget, the damage it has done to me psychologically and emotionally will take years to heal. The loss of control of my emotions and character that I have is even evident to my colleagues, especially my superior officers. They do not know exactly what happened, but I do feel embarrassed when younger workmates wonder why a 30 plus year old woman can have a confidence crisis.

The husband is gone. The new life that was promisingly presented to me by my ex-husband is gone. The ring he gave me is gone. The chance to get rid of the cancer between my thighs is also gone. And although I am recovering well from the emotional hurt and the immense pain; I never feel so hollow and empty in my life. I nearly lost myself, the part of me that is alive. Every time I remember how I used to announce with pride of having my husband by my side, I become a wreck and feel sorry that he is no more in my life. Missing out on my SRS still feels like having my nerves jerked out of me everyday.

I still have a job to do. If I can survive this probation period my soul will start recovering. But I fear losing this job, because I know I would not be able to take it. I already lost so much within one year. If I am removed from my position in this wonderful organization, I know it will kill what is left of the person I am. Because simply it is all I have left that gives me something to fight for. But it is out of my control. I need a revival in my life now, to make Julys beautiful again, to move on from what happened at Chonburi a year ago. It is time to prove my worth for the sake of finding myself again. I really need to.

An Unlikely Union.

2009-06-12T09:27:00.006+08:00

I am not really in the mood to write these days. Surviving the probation period of my job is now a priority. After realizing the Malaysian site I write for turns out to be a leisure and puffy reading site that has nothing to do with activism and counter-voicing, I realized most of the Malaysian lesbian, gay, bisexual and transsexual communities are not ready to speak up as citizens of this country, but will still do the odd punch up on minor issues like one radio DJ who allegedly called a lesbian “sick”, while ignoring the demonization of LGBTs in the hands the Christianist Pursuing Liberty Under Christ who is now actively going around schools and churches parroting complete rubbish about “sexual abuse” and "Gay Agenda".

One of my regular readers Alan R said something very true a few months back, no one would ever care until they are affected by the situation. And until that happens, it is all not important to them. It is for me very saddening, considering the mechanics of the ex-gay machinery is getting vile in Malaysia and no one is responding to it. Pursuing Liberty Under Christ’s nutty director Tryphena Law then successfully went on the offensive. These are some things for you to think about, coming from a recent ex-gay conference:

There is no collective voice amongst the LGBTs. There is not even a semblance of an LGBT community. However to Pastor Tryphena Law, “The Pro-Gay Movement™ is strong in Malaysia”. Why? “Many of our young people are being drawn to them”. How? She said she saw 14 girls, between the ages of 15-16, being couples, walking around at a mall in Johor, Malaysia. For most of us who see this group of girls, they were probably just hanging around after school hours, happy with who they are, minding their own business. Little did they know, Tryphena Law would use a word to describe them: “Struggling”. Wha?!. This is just a brief look at why these Christianist groups are sickos!

It really pains me to see these groups creating an enemy out of those who still remain passive with their lives, who are just being themselves and doing nothing. And the passive ones still think we should not bother them. It is like, say, look, the bees are coming to attack us! Let us do nothing! Yes, indeed most Malaysian youth would realize the ridiculous mantra that was spoken. Unfortunately, it takes only a few confused individuals justifying more attacks, some physical, towards the LGBTs. And it takes just a few LGBTs blindly going in expecting “change” and end up having their lives wasted, or trashed.

Both sides ignores the emotional and mental anguish these false views turned into ex-gay “logic” can cause those who are still in schools, and those who are still young. Who can affirm them, once the current generation of older youth are led to believe their younger LGBT friends are somewhat “broken”, “sexually abused” etc, that ultimately something is wrong with them? And for those who do not know how to use these so-called “information”, they turn to bullying. Is this what both sides of the bridge wants?

The pamphlet from that Christianist group says it clearly, “No one is born a homosexual”. There are so much lies, deception and misrepresentation attached to this sentence, and tons of ways to dismantle this crap statement. But it is useless if these false prophets continue to be allowed to disseminate such discriminative and prejudicial bullshit without any counter arguments with all the facts that already shows the real truth, and our side just sits back and do nothing but just talk about our sex and our interests and some upcoming event. What will happen thereafter? I do not know. I no longer wish to know, because I see many will leave this country anyway, giving up hope. And some, like me, would probably be left behind to endure all the things that are going to come our way. LGBT? No such thing here I guess.

The Golden Girls Gives Us Some Things To Think About.

2009-06-03T13:44:00.007+08:00

The Golden Girls is known to be one of the most progressive shows of the 80s.

Looking at these two videos, it is not hard to see why.

There are a lot of lessons we can take in this life. But first, let us start with love.

Note: Beatrice Arthur, who played Dorothy Zbornak in the show, recently died of cancer on April 25th of this year, at the age of 86. She had been a firm supporter of LGBT equality and rights, and also left an unforgetable legacy of comedy and human rights. She will be missed. Rest In Peace.

Sickos.

2009-05-27T11:22:00.005+08:00

“Christianity is the most perverted system that ever shone on men” – Thomas Jefferson.

Contrary to claims made by ex-gay groups that there are so-called “thousands and thousands” of ex-gays in the world, I have only met one ex-gay pastor and know of one more ex-gay under his wings. But, the past three years, I have met incredibly, a lot of ex-Christians that came out from the church ministries trying to change them. The ex-gay groups will claim that these ex-Christians did not try or pray hard enough, or fallen into sin again and so forth. But my conversations with them taught me something valuable, these ex-Christians finally knew it deep in their hearts that their sexual orientation is real, and religion is not. They are born gay, but being a Christian is still a choice. And the simple choice of embracing affirmation of self-acceptance makes them better human beings than the person they might just become if they had continued to be Christians.

One day, I visited a potential client at Glad Tidings church in Petaling Jaya, Selangor. This Christianist church houses the hate group Focus On The Family’s Malaysian chapter. While agreeing that this restaurant within this building is a bad idea to promote what we are introducing as an established organization, it was the whole experience of being in the church and talking to a member that shook me. The experience of looking at a “Christian” church again after all these years, and the treatment of the implied “stray” Christian I was receiving for being a transgender. The paranoid eyes, sensitive being, and self-nominated “Christian” that was the person I spoke to, reflected the person I was in the Christian church many years ago when I was still living in a box called the “Church”.

I started living in that box when I was declared a “Christian” at the age of fourteen. I was already having gender identity problems knowing that I am a girl, but for the mutation I have between my thighs. I attended two Methodist Churches, and they knew of my issues almost immediately. On almost all occasions, I was described as a “lost boy” with an “identity crisis”. They made me pray so hard to change I actually did. They pinned the blame on my mother so many times until I actually believed them. They felt listening to Debbie Gibson and Tiffany was the “cause” of my crisis, and I agreed with them to the point I just followed their instructions to burn off all of my cassette tapes. Even though I knew I was different, I suddenly felt that there was something really abnormal and wrong with me, and to make me a better person and for people to respect me, I must “change”.

Fast forward till today, I started to realize that although I am still a Christian, I refuse to adhere myself into a church. The important Christian values that were taught to me when I was young, TO LOVE, is now but a distant memory. All that is left as I see, especially after that visit to Glad Tidings, was a group of people insecure within their own skin and seeking comfort in a higher power to appease them. Most Christianists, as I observed, would believe their pastor as the ultimate authority given by God and their pastor’s every word are as infallible as God’s. The pastor’s interpretation of the Bible becomes God’s Word. They would defend people in the US like James Dobson, all the way to Edmund Smith in Malaysia, even though these people are hardly telling the facts as they distort scientific research. In fact, they have not one scientific backing to their fabricated “truth.”

Especially on the issues of homosexuality, the medical professionals they use do not even qualify for the American Psychological Association. And to shut the doubters, they immediately lay claims of a Gay Agenda™ when there are real truths being revealed. Fabricating an invisible enemy called “pro-gay”, in which its own definition has been modified countless times to fit the mode of misinformation and misrepresentation, they demonize LGBTs by parroting ridiculous claims stretching from a “gay lifestyle” that centers around only on sex as if gays do not have a life, to attempting to paint a picture that LGBTs are dangerous to children and society. When undeniable evidence proves otherwise, these are all dismissed as just part of a gay Agenda™ by these Christianists.

Contrary to the so-called truth Christianists sprout out, Pokaemon is not satanic. SpongeBob is as straight as Big Bird. Teletubbies are, well, Teletubbies. Just think for a moment here, are we really to believe 100% what Christianists claim without questioning one bit? Is the pastor’s mouth as wide as God’s? Are peer-previewed, impartial and unbiased scientific facts to be thrown out, and in its place confirmation bias based pseudo-sciences by discredited “medical” people to be celebrated? Is the fallacious appeals to false authorites in itself, more authoritative then the actual authorities? Are we to be stupid sickos who instead of Love, we preach total invalidation of other people?

These are false witnesses. They lay claim there is not gay gene when the fact is the science is getting close. In the United States, they say that does not matter because it is not important, that the baby can be “cured” before the baby is born because God according to His false witnesses do not want gays. Here in Malaysia, the “no gay gene” argument is used to deny the existence of homosexuals. His false witnesses refuse to reason why would God create even the slightest bump of homosexuality if He disapproves of it. Well, sad to say, they have not found a heterosexual gene either. And with that fact, it opens a can of worms stretching as far back as to: Is it really upbringing that a person can actually be heterosexual? What if the whole world is being brainwashed into a heterosexual supremist ideology? Christian Heterosexual = World Cult?

And if you even bother to think and question “Homosexual = anal sex”, you would know that is the most ridiculous argument against homosexuals when ANYONE, even boys with girls, can do anal sex. And sexual abuses can cause more heterosexuality than homosexuality. The evidence? There are far more, even on pro-rate, sexual abuse cases among heterosexuals, and it causes these people to remain/become heterosexuals, and that is why there are far more heterosexuals than homosexuals on this earth! Does that sound stupid? It is a reasonable argument. But does it not follow a better logic than claims that sexual abuses “create” homosexuals? Sadly some sickos would stick to that argument not because it is the truth, but because they just cannot stand same sex love.

I love Edmund Smith (of the ex-gay Real Love Ministry) because he is the symbol of how ridiculous some self-professed ex-gays-just-because-I-am-married are. (I too have the ability to sleep with both men and women, so does that mean I can “change”?) His claims of being sexually abused by a relative have no police reports attached, arrests or even a slightest evidence to suggest it really happened. He calls himself “ex-transgender” even though he has no history of being out as a transgender. He claims he was disappointed and disillusioned by the “gay lifestyle” because of various break-ups with his boyfriends, but seriously if I knew my guy is sleeping with hundreds of men like he admitted and doing it for money, I would not hesitate to dump him with a slap and a kick on his face.

And the Christianists and ex-gay’s hyperbolic echo chamber just repeats it’s boring cycle again and again: There is something horribly wrong with lesbian, gays and transgenders. We are so deep in our psychosis/gay lifestyle/struggles/sex/whatever that we cannot think and live for ourselves; and we should, and must rely on the help of God according to human beings, unlicensed unprofessional counselors, and pseudo-sciences by doctors that were thrown out of medical governing bodies, to “change” because “change is possible” and “change” makes you better human beings because you all are currently less than one, because we say so out of love with no respect, no understanding, and pure dislike for you.

There was a meeting of paranoid parents and over-concerned friends of LGBTs that was held on the 22nd and 23rd of this month at Full Gospel Assembly (Jalan Kuchai Lama). There will be the usual cast of speakers from ex-gay ministries to a researcher of a non-existent Gay Agenda™. The latter itself is really funny. I have not seen a more organized, institutional international anti-gay machine that is bent on demonizing LGBTs using lies, distortion and deceit, with so much money on its coffers that they can bring the president of the largest ex-gay organization itself, Alan Chambers. Money that can be donated to real people in need, like starving children or single mothers. I have not seen such a vicious syndicate that wish to make LGBTs look like troubled people who create trouble.

But I see no Gay Agenda™. I only see LGBTs wishing to live in freedom to be themselves, to express their love for their loved ones, to worship the God they choose. To live without the threat of violence and hatred everyday in their precious lives. To have their existence validated and their work secure even if they are outed. To live with their partners till death do they part. To just live and let live. Most importantly, to not have to be bullied, and have themselves smeared and graffitied by Christianists and their cronies.

I do not identify as Christian. I am now an ex-Christian. I have seen so much done to defame the LGBTs even when I was a Christian, to make me ashamed. I have even seen an old man cycling to church while the pastor drove a huge car. Seeing the money milked in such manner, I stopped going to church. I am reminded that though I believe in Christ as Our Saviour and Lord, I do not wish to have any ties to institutions with lost priorities, looking for numbers, that hate-mongers against people they are intolerant of. I have seen it in Singapore recently when the social group AWARE was taken over by such badness. Now the largest ex-gay organization in the world has truly landed in Malaysia, ready to make Christians hate the LGBTs sin of existing, while still failing to love in the process. I am against Christianist dogma. I do not want to be stupid. I am definitely not a sicko.

“The clergy converted the simple teachings of Jesus into an engine for enslaving mankind and adulterated by artificial constructions into a contrivance to filch wealth and power to themselves…these clergy, in fact, constitute the real Anti-Christ….”
–Thomas Jefferson.

Friends.

2009-05-24T20:41:00.004+08:00

You learn so much about friendship by being bedridden for a week with a bad lower back strain.

You have a friend who you called and she is worried enough to call every tom, dick and hairy to look for you to make sure you are okay when you were hit with a sudden lower back attack.

You have two friends who accompanied you to see the doctor and paid for it, then packed some food for you to last a few days. After that, there were no news from them whatsoever until you sms-ed one of them for more assistance, only to be turned away and to be questioned why you are still on medical leave.

You have a friend who called you now and then every couple of days to make sure you are okay.

You have a friend who after you called only once, came to your house and chit chatted with you even though she was rushing for time, buying for you a few reload cards and a packet of rice. Within the one week you were bedridden, she even sms-ed you regularly before bedtime to make sure you are okay.

You stated your intention of wanting to counter voice for the LGBT community via GPRS in regards to an ex-gay seminar, only to be lambasted for it, uncharacteristically accused of “attacking” another friend, having words being put into your mouth, and accused of “passive aggressive behaviour”.

You asked for help from one friend for financial assistance and he asked no questions. This friend has been giving and giving, big and small, for the past three years. A friend to die for. You asked for help from another friend for financial assistance and she said no, even though you know she can, but you already knew that when you asked for help from some people too much, they just get sick of you.

You suddenly received an sms, saying that there is a bottle of distilled water and a packet of chicken rice outside your door. You have a person running around to pack this and that for you when she is around.

You. Yuki. Have. Friends. And “friends”. Or friends? Maybe 'friends'. Whatever. People are different. So are FRIENDS.

The Gay Lifestyle™ Exposed: A Manic Day With Yuki Choe!

2009-05-14T09:47:00.009+08:00

These are confidential records of the lives of Yuki Choe and her friends, and is the most striking evidence of what the absolutely dirt crazy gay lifestyle is all about. Names of the people involved in this revelation are kept confidential as the blogger risks being sued!

Yuki woke up very tired from a long night’s sleep. It was a Monday, and she has to get to work. Therefore, she went for a lustful teeth brushing and a sexy bath routine, which is part of her gay lifestyle since she was a child. She quickly chose her full clothes to wear to her office, fearing she will be late. (But what the heck, being fashionably late is the foolish lifestyle of a lot of Malaysians). She later got into her car, and has to face another part of the stupid Malaysian lifestyle, people driving like oxi-morons across the highway all around her.

On the way to the office, she thought back about last night. She remembered herself screaming, “More! One more!” Oh, that sensation! Those eleven men were all incredible, all of them handsome hunks. They kept on shooting it in she just could not resist as she held her own body tight. Those men were down with another half more to go. She will cherish that night because it does not come often. Manchester United were nil-two down, and ended up beating Tottenham five-two. That was real sexy football for her. Man Utd! She loves the Barclay's Premier League lifestyle!

She pumped it hard at work the whole day, because the challenging lifestyle of all salespeople is always cold calling, appointments and trying to close the deal. She drank a lot of tea that day, and have to indulge herself in the dirty washroom lifestyle. She also ate at the mamak, a mostly fattening lifestyle of a lot of Malaysians. After a long tongue-licking day at work, before she left the office her straight friend R called. “Where are you?”. “At the office-lar”, she replied (Note: using “lar” at end of sentences is a Chinese Malaysian oriented lifestyle). “Come over (a pub) for a drink”, he invited. She playfully said yes with much delight.

Now drinking beer is the lifestyle of many that are staying in Damansara Uptown. Being a playground for a lot of well off people, she never turns down a chance to drink when people spend her alcohol. Besides alcohol consumption, hugging GRO girls is the proud lifestyle of many married straight men there. One of them came up to her and asked, “How is your lifestyle?” She decided she would leave her lazy lifestyle of sitting on pub chairs. She then stood up and tried to perform her bloody unhealthy lifestyle of dancing while moving away, because he was harassing her. As that guy went away, R asked “Are you gay?” She said “How can I be gay when I do not even like sex?”

After a few drinks, she went home. She climbed up to her room and turned on her lamp-light. She decided enough was enough, and she wanted to do something crazy that night. So after a quick shower, all wet, she quickly rubbed the sweet lotion all over her body. There she was, naked, ready to indulge in her despicable lifestyle. “Hey, everybody does it”, she thought. So she jumped into bed and quickly slept, the most relaxing lifestyle of all human beings in the world. Worst of all, with much utter disgust, it was only 10pm!

Yes, the gay lifestyle is so horrible and menacing!

Me, My Life Now And The Invisible LGBT Community.

2009-05-08T09:51:00.005+08:00

Cigarettes: 0 Alchohol: 0

I do find significant improvements to my health these days. But still my financial situation continues to worsen. I have totally lost options for myself, and I do know friends are getting exhausted of me. It is understandable, since I have only risen a bit since last year’s horrendous personal crisis. I feel much better now emotionally, with the occasional anger and bitterness showing as I tackle the cold calling in the office. I am still very much excitable and my blood rate is still running high. I am still struggling.

Financially I am nearly bust again. Sales line is really taking toll on my car because of petrol, along with the fact that I am driving a Proton Wira that is Auto, a terrible car for sales people who are always travelling. SMS-ed some of my friends for help, but as the replies come with either silence or sorry, this time I know I am on my own. I am however, still thankful for the assistance till now, and count them blessings, big or small. I have no right to make my problems, anyone else’s. I am considering the most stupid things to do in order to keep my job. I love my job; I know if I screw up there would not be another opportunity like this.

Yeah, I am on my own. I knew that once I could not gather a counter voice response from the community for an upcoming anti-gay conference. Now the voice of my friend at PT resounds loud and clear to me. There is no semblance of a community in Malaysia. I have not seen one true LGBT activism work towards sensitizing our issues other than Sexualiti Merdeka. Other than that, it is all just plain marketing and parties at clubs. I see myself standing beside images of gay men, lesbian women and transsexuals just living their own lives as they see fit and contented. I see no one beside me now to create awareness, countering dogmatic views from the public and the church, and to fight for a better future for all of us.

It always has been a lone journey, I guess. Everyone would believe their own issues are of most importance, and only speak up according to their own interests and things that relate to them. I have supported and am willing to speak up for all and everyone’s issues pertaining to the LGBT community, to realize that no one bothers about the ex-gay and trans issues I often fight for. It is disappointing. Perhaps it is a reflection on the friends I have now, and the serious trouble I am facing. They have their problems. I have mine. But as I seek to help people all the way I can, I cannot expect anyone to ask me when my last meal will be. That is a question I have to ask me, reply, then settle it myself most of the time. Your life should revolve and concern only yourself.

That is I, not we, and not you but me. And the truth hurts more when it is really L G b... (t)....

What’s On Yuki’s Mind: Someday, My Children.

2009-05-06T09:37:00.003+08:00

If I ever adopt any children in the future, I pray they do not become Christians. I rather they seek out The Saviour on their own, realizing there is more to our existence in this lifetime. I do not wish my children to be indoctrinated into the values of Christians today because it is no longer a faith, but rather an organized religion bent on getting numbers.

I do not want them to grow up thinking they are on a proud, high and mighty scale because they are Christians. I do not hope to see them paying their own hard earned money without convictions from God but because the church coerced them too. And I do not wish for my children to learn how to hate monger against minorities in guises of love.

I also hope they do not bear false witness against their neighbours, and learn to understand and accept the differences in people instead of believing they are better than some people and they have to right to adjudge other people’s lives by claiming false authority of God. I wish one day they would be like Christ, defending the broken and the humble.

I certainly would not like to see my children grow up behaving like Pharisees, thinking they know what is best for the world instead of just surrendering it to God. And I will be in discomfort the day they hold power in a church and begin to impose their own values, interpreting the Bible as they see fit, turning themselves into idol worshippers of religion.

I just pray with all my might, that they just grow up to be believers and servants of Christ.

Transvestite Used To Describe Transsexual In The Star... Again....

2009-04-11T19:20:00.007+08:00

As much as I am happy that Shannon Shah's Air-Con is continuing to gain rave reviews and publicity for his wonderfully made masterpiece, this article in The Star's R.A.G.E. got me feeling a little uneasy.

So, I sent an e-mail to the writer below.

Good evening Ms. Sharmila,

I refer to this paragraph in your article on Air-Con for R.A.G.E. (The Star).

It explores the issues of sexual awakening, bullying and social prejudice, among
other things. When a transvestite prostitute is murdered near their school, it
triggers discussions and introspections among them which led to some surprising
revelations.

With all due respect, I would like to point out the innacuracy in using the term transvestite.

A male transvestite would be a cross-dresser who is male identified, but yet dresses as a woman, which in the context of the play is not the identity of the prostitute.

The correct term to use here, especially when the character within is female identified, is transsexual.

You can also use the neutral term transgender, which encompasses all gender variant individuals.

The American Psychological Association:

What does transgender mean?

Transgender is an umbrella term used to describe people whose gender identity (sense of themselves as male or female) or gender expression differs from that usually associated with their birth sex. Many transgender people live part-time or full-time as members of the other gender. Broadly speaking, anyone whose identity, appearance, or behavior falls outside of conventional gender norms can be described as transgender. However, not everyone whose appearance or behavior is gender-atypical will identify as a transgender person.

What is the difference between sex and gender?

Sex refers to biological status as male or female. It includes physical attributes such as sex chromosomes, gonads, sex hormones, internal reproductive structures, and external genitalia. Gender is a term that is often used to refer to ways that people act, interact, or feel about themselves, which are associated with boys/men and girls/women. While aspects of biological sex are the same across different cultures, aspects of gender may not be.

What are some categories or types of transgender people?

Transsexuals are transgender people who live or wish to live full time as members of the gender opposite to their birth sex. Biological females who wish to live and be recognized as men are called female-to-male (FTM) transsexuals or transsexual men. Biological males who wish to live and be recognized as women are called male-to-female (MTF) transsexuals or transsexual women. Transsexuals usually seek medical interventions, such as hormones and surgery, to make their bodies as congruent as possible with their preferred gender. The process of transitioning from one gender to the other is called sex reassignment or gender reassignment.

Cross-dressers or transvestites comprise the most numerous transgender group. Cross-dressers wear the clothing of the other sex. They vary in how completely they dress (from one article of clothing to fully cross-dressing) as well as in their motives for doing so. Some cross-dress to express cross-gender feelings or identities; others crossdress for fun, for emotional comfort, or for sexual arousal. The great majority of cross-dressers are biological males, most of whom are sexually attracted to women.

Drag queens and drag kings are, respectively, biological males and females who present part-time as members of the other sex primarily to perform or entertain. Their performances may include singing, lip-syncing, or dancing. Drag performers may or may not identify as transgender. Many drag queens and kings identify as gay, lesbian, or bisexual.

Other categories of transgender people include androgynous, bigendered, and gender queer people. Exact definitions of these terms vary from person to person, but often include a sense of blending or alternating genders. Some people who use these terms to describe themselves see traditional concepts of gender as restrictive.

I hope this clears the air. And thank you for the awesome report on the show. Take care and cheers.

Best Regards,

Yuki Choe.

I am praying for the day that all writers can use the correct terms to not misrepresent anyone.

Yuki's Funnies: Real Love Ministry's Edmund Smith Wants To Be In New Yasmin Ahmad Movie!

2009-04-03T18:58:00.011+08:00

Well, what a thought. But I am sure he will love to have a movie show about him. It has always been about him, him and him. After mentioning it recently, Edmund Smith now proceeded to spam not only the movie site, but also Yasmin Ahmad's own blogsite with a long and unreadable montage that still spouts nothing but the medically and scientifically discredited “change” mantra via reparative therapy by most ex-gay ministries, plus lies. Again, he exploits the deaf and others as a PR face before going straight into his true intentions, with comical consequences.

Edmund Smith said...
Dear Yasmin!

Talentime – best MOVIE 2009…. The movie touched my soul. I organized a group of us to go and we went. I love you more now. I love you more after each movie u make.

• You movies are GREATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
• You have a deaf character in Talentime ( I am not deaf but I am passionate about the Deaf Community and Sign Language)
• You have Jac Victor in it
• You are right – Mahesh is cute (I am Eurasian and my wife is Indian)
• Interracial relationship
• etc

Dear Yasmin – I am ex-gay and an ex-transgender. Today I am father, a husband, a director of an organization and a happy human being. Just Google search “Edmund Smith Real Love Ministry RLM” and you will read all kinds of stuff (really good and really bad) about me.

I sing, act and dance professionally. I’ve acted in a Singapore movie called “Chicken Rice War”. I released a simple CD (a collection of song I wrote) entitled “Wake Up” into the Malaysian Market. You can read a little about my singing career from this link …
http://www.r-l-m.com/Edmund%20Artiste.htm

I am also a founder of an Organization called “Real Love Ministry”. Our HQ is based in Melaka. We are in the ministry of raising up Befrienders to the Deaf, Exgay and other kinds of Marginalized Communities here in Malaysia.

My life is like a fairy tale…. It was a NIGHT MARE. I have experiencing so much …
* I was rejected by my own father because I was a boy and daddy needed a daughter
* When I was a boy I was raised as a girl by my mother for the first 5 years of my life
* I was raped
* I became a “slut” for the sake of looking for love from any man who could love me
* I got addicted to sex and needed sex every day (had sex with hundreds of men)
• I had sex for money
• As boy I was bullied because I was sissy
• My first sexual experience was with my best-friend when I was about 7. The sex went on until I met my first boy-friend. I broke my best-friend’s heart
• Etc

Dear Yasmin, I believe my story will make a good movie. What do you think? Would you like to work with me? Hope to hear from you. A little of my story have been shared with some of the major Malaysian newspapers. But my deepest secrets have not been revealed yet.

Please reply…

Real Love brings Real Life,
Edmund Smith
016-6658773
edmundasmith@yahoo.com
Change is a Choice!
I am Edmund Lawrence Smith. I have walked away from my gay life in 1994 when I was about 24 years old. I am going to be 39 this year. People like me are called “exgays”. An “exgay” simply means – a gay (or lesbian) who has decided to do whatever it takes to stay away from homosexuality.

Every “exgay” has a different story on why and how we ended up here. Mine goes something like this…

I was born into a religious family. I knew that something was different about my sexuality from a very young age. By the time I reached puberty, I realized I had a homosexual orientation. I went forth to live a wild homosexual lifestyle for about 11 years (1983-1994). It all started when I was about thirteen and searching for approval, attention and intimacy with men – but ending up finding nothing… but sex.

In the 11 years of being gay – I had experienced uncountable one night stands, three so-called LTR (long term relationships), had sex for money, was raped, had sex with all kinds of men (old and young), orgy and the list goes on.

What triggered me to walk away from homosexuality were the pain, dissatisfaction and uncertainty that came along with the “happy” life I was living. Many of my gay friends thought and still think that it is ridiculous and impossible for me or anyone else to become an “exgay”. Yet few others stood by me to just allow me to be what I wanted to be – on my own freewill. I wish my real friends would learn to agree to disagree.

Other then my search for Mr. Right - from a very young age; I knew that my call in this life is to reach out to the Marginalized Community. I knew – I myself was a marginalized individual living in a mainstream world. To be exact, I started out as a Community Worker – reaching out to the Marginalized Community when I was barely 13 years of age. I worked with the Catholic nuns in projects for the illiterate community – bringing literacy into their lives of a group of illiterate adults in the Portuguese Settlement – the place I was born and bred in. I find real pleasure in touching lives even in the smallest ways possible.

In 1989 – when I was about 18 years of age, the Salvation Army employed me as a full-time Community Worker reaching out to the mentally disable community. Today I realized that God deliberately put me in the Salvation Army because there is where He used few precious people to lead me into a relationship with Him. Today I believe that I wouldn’t have made it this far - as an “exgay” man without the love of God in my life and the personal relationship I shared with Him all these years.

In 1994, when I decided to adopt the “exgay” lifestyle – I have already built two great friendships with two wonderful women; Jenny who is now a pastor in a church and my wife Amanda Amutha Perumal - who is also a pastor now in “RLM Fellowship” (the church we both founded in 2006 and now serve as Senior Pastors). God used them powerfully to hold my hand; love me and pray with me. The transition from being gay to an “exgay” was truly tough. And I couldn’t have done without the support from these two “angels” that God had provided me with.

That very same year (1994) after I embraced the “exgay” status - my life was no longer about looking for Mr. Right, exploring the gay world and not even about being “exgay”. Instead I became extremely excited about God, serving Him, living my life for Him – making the world around me a better place to live in. And there was no turning back - up to today!

I graduated with “Community Services” from Christchurch College of Education, New Zealand. And have been equipped with these subjects that helped me tremendously as a Community Worker…
• Community Services
(Disability)
• Cross Cultural Studies
• Sign Language and Interpretation
Amanda and I also founded a Community Service Society that we call “RLM Society”. The society’s goal is to train, motivate and give opportunity – so to build up Befrienders for the Marginalized Community in Malaysia. RLM Society was founded in 1999. We work closely with…
1. The Exgay Community
2. The Deaf Community
3. Street People
4. etc
I am still growing, learning and unlearning and wanting to be more and more the man that I believe God had created me to be. I am not perfect – no one is. But the imperfect I…am truly grateful for the perfect God who has been and is still blessing me in unbelievable ways.
A Happy Family
My children’s names are Angelica Eshwarie Smith age 5 and Ethan Ashwin Smith age 4. Becoming a father WAS only a dream for me. But today this beautiful dream has come to past. I thank God!

Behind every happy father is a story, so let me share something of my story with you. I am of British-Portuguese-Baba parentage and did not grow up in a very happy family. When I was born (after three older brothers) my father clearly showed me that he preferred girls to boys – especially after having three sons already. My sister Helga (dad’s precious jewel) - came after me. He’d hug Helga and even my female cousins but never me. I thought if I was a girl – I would receive that kind of affection from my father. I so craved for Daddy’s love.

By the time I was about 13 years of age I was fully aware of my homosexual orientation. I was thrilled when guys gave me attention or especially when they wanted to have any kind of relationship with me. As a father now, I want to encourage parents to take their responsibility seriously to NOT instill into their children gender issues such as telling their daughters they are not pretty enough or feminine enough OR telling their sons they are not strong enough or man enough and etc. There are loving ways of communicating growth into our children’s life.

Lack of parental love leaves an unhealthy vacuum in your child’s life, that they will look to fill with somebody else when the opportunity comes. Their choice as teenagers or adults might surprise and even shock their parents. A mother’s love and a father’s love are different. Mother’s love is called “feminine love” while father’s love is called “masculine love”. They are totally different and not replaceable from one to the other. Both types of love are needed by children for them to grow into wholesome and fulfilled adults - thus, having an orderly gender identity.

I “tried” marriage by marrying Amanda in 1996, but our relationship was solely platonic, though we did care a lot about each other as merely best-friends at that time. Eventually the time came when we realized that a marriage is not a marriage if we throw away the romantic and sexual aspect of it. Things began to change slowly but surely – all glory to God. Today I am with the woman (Amanda) that I want to grow old with – share my life with till the end of times.

There are many programs in RLM Society. The two major programs are:
1. Silent Voice (A program that raises up Befrienders and interpreters for the Deaf community)
2. RLM Journey (A program that raises up Befrienders for
the “exgay” community)

RLM Journey’s goal is to help “exgays” (like me) to resolve the issues in our lives by going through - The Journey of Recovery (JOR). There are four seasons in the JOR.

Season One is the “Educational season”, the first step to resolving outstanding issues in a person’s life. The “exgay” who join our program is given one-to-one mentoring. And to graduate from this season, one need to have overcome any “self” issues regarding appearance or own gender. A Self issue is basically a rejection of unchangeable self in any way.

Season Two is the “Celibate season” during which the “exgay” must abstain from sex and romance. Yes it is hard! No long-term relationships; no one-night stands. The “exgay” is to focus on DPR (deep platonic relationships) with people of the same gender. One thing to accomplish in this season is the resolving of one’s Vacuum issue. The Vacuum issue is an emptiness and longing for edification, love and acceptance from others of the same gender. Women find this season much easier than men, who are more sexual beings. Women are naturally inclined toward developing close platonic relationships with other women.

Season Three is the “Dating season” during which the “exgay” takes time to discover the beauty of people of the opposite gender. Dating, however, is not equivalent to a long-term relationship. This is a season where the “exgay” learns to discover the world of the opposite gender in a deeper way. No one is forced to enter into this season or any of the four seasons – if they choose not to. It is when the exgay is ready to resolve the Barrier issue – one have to embark into this season. The Barrier issue is an issue that disables people to open up their lives to others of the opposite gender. Many who have got Barrier issues are people who have been abused (verbally, sexually, emotionally and etc) by others of the opposite gender in the past.

Season Four, the final stage, is the “Marriage season”. It is NOT compulsory for every “exgay” to enter into this season. Nevertheless, this is the season where the “exgay” is ready to consider marriage or single hood. Marriage is one of the two options for the “exgay”. Many “exgays” choose to live single and fruitful lives. But upon entering this season, and if the “exgay” desires marriage – one will commit to a long-term relationship with someone of the opposite gender. One will eventually move from being boyfriend/girlfriend to being a spouse, and then finally a parent. An “exgay” must ALWAYS go through the first three seasons before one is allowed to enter the fourth.

RLM Society does not force people to change or do anything that they don’t want to do. We are a society that supports and help people who HAVE DECIDED (on their own freewill) to choose the “exgay” lifestyle.

Apart from Community Work
– my other passion is Performing Arts. I sing, act (did a lot of stage acting, acted in a Singapore movie called “Chicken Rice War” & etc) and dance (Sign Language Dancing) professionally. I have a simple album in the Malaysian market called “Wake Up” of which consists of songs that I wrote while drawing inspiration from my years of community work with the mentally disabled, the deaf, the illiterate , those with HIV/AIDS and the “exgay” community.

I hope this little story of mine – will also help you see that just because someone is an “ex-gay” today – it does not mean that one is anti gay. Yes I do know of some “ex-gays” who are anti-gays. I shall not comment about people like that. But it is not fair to generalized people like us (“ex-gays”). Some of my closest friends are gays and they are friends whom I cherish and love from the bottom of my heart. If you get the chance to meet them – they will tell you that I am one of the most gay-friendliest people in the whole wide world. Just as I believe that it is a person’s rights for one to be gay or transgender or whatever way of life they may choose - IT IS ALSO EVERY OUR RIGHTS WHEN A GAY CHOOSES TO BE “EXGAY”.
“Real Love brings Real Life”
www.r-l-m.com
March 30, 2009 10:47 AM
Yuki's Thoughts: Is this guy for real? I am sure Yasmin Ahmad would have the maturity to sense it.

We love you Edmund, but please remember your "successes"; the Ex-Christians, parents and friends coerced by you to ask homosexuals to attend you ministry, and also all the tons of homosexuals you made enemies with through your empty promises and rejecting them when you realise they cannot change while misrepresenting homosexuals and misinforming the general conservative public about what homosexuality really is.

Anyway, I still love Edmund Smith. In fact, because of that I shall cite the latest research (by Exodus themselves!) that proves homosexuals can “change”, according to our dear Edmund Smith of course.

Exodus can describe 38 percent of its programs’ participants as successes, changing to either a “meaningful but complicated” heterosexuality (15 percent) or a stable chastity (23 percent).

Timothy Kincaid from Box Turtle Bulletin sums it up here pretty well:

In short, the Jones and Yarhouse study was funded and fully supported by Exodus and conducted by two researchers who were avid supporters of ex-gay ministries. They wanted to study 300 participants, but after more than a year, they could only find 57 willing to participate. They then changed the rules for acceptance in order to increase the total to 98. After following this sample for 4 years, 25 dropped out. Of the remainder, only 11 reported “satisfactory, if not uncomplicated, heterosexual adjustment.” Another 17 decided that a lifetime of celibacy was good enough.

While we all know that medically and scientifically, again and again, homosexuals cannot change to heterosexuality (or vice versa); but I, Yuki Vivienne Choe, profess and support every right of gays to have the ex-gay lifestyle = complicated heterosexuality and stable chastity. Just please, please do not come back and tell me that I told you so.

The Best From The Archives Of "The Journey Of Yuki" - The Sisters.

2009-04-03T17:00:00.004+08:00

We are doing ourselves no favours. Yes, I may always give my heartfelt love to those of us who struggle in our daily lives, to those of us who have commited suicide because of the rejection we all face daily. But I cannot help to think what if, just what if we had actually aggravated our own situations with our own doings. In our lives contantly living under the norm prejudices, have we ever thought that maybe it is we ourselves contributing to the lost of respect for our sisters?

A lot of my friends are so surprised with me when they started to know me as a transsexual female. They even told me how they cannot stand the others, and were surprised that I was not one of 'them'. I ask them for their thoughts, and I got really a heavy mouthful of condemnations. It seems that the rest of them trans sisters of mine do not behave in any likeness of a female, let alone a good human being or a sane creature. In fact, I share some of their feelings.

Seriously, I had come out of the closet again, and lived as who I am for the past two years. But I barely seen any real transsexuals. There may be some, but it seems that I am surrounded by mostly transvestites who consider themselves transsexuals just because they dared to operate and grow breasts, and some crossdressers who wants to pass as women to the extent of surgery. In fact, I identified most transsexuals actually exist overseas than here in Malaysia.

All of these transvestites in transsexuals clothing almost have the same habits. They want to become beautiful women. They are desperate to pass as as a girl. If they are really transsexuals, they would have no needs whatsoever to do so. Because they already know they are women as I know. In fact, I have a lot of my 'sisters' encouraging me to wear make up as to look like a girl more. See, that is the problem. I do not find the need to wear make up as to 'pass as a girl'.

I also do not see the whacky idea of smuggling tons of estrogen pills from Thailand and overdosing yourself with it to hell as necessary. On a contrary, it is dangerous. I do not see any trans sisters I know doing so except here in Malaysia. Here the culture for the sisters is to be the best, to be famous, to be the most prettiest as possible. But to do so with the extremes like hormones overloads? Botox and Collegen injections every month? Goodness, is being even more beautiful than normal girls the only objective in life for transsexual females, and in the event, even sacrificing health and long term grace of growth?

With the constant overfixation to appear as a wannabe beautiful girl, this is where the problems occur that scar our own faces from getting our due understanding and empathy from the society. A society that is already having problems separating the good girls and the bad girls, the transvestites and the transsexuals. Yet these 'sisters' crave for all the wrong things. This also causes the crave for money. It makes the world go round and it is needed for all the surgeries, operations and treatments needed for a transsexual. That is the birth of materialism in their hearts. Some to the extent of cheating tons of cash from friends.

Besides the obvious money cheating, and some who have the totally unnecessary need for prostitution, trying to seduce men is top of the list. It annoys not only my friends who are straight, but also me when I see transsexual wannabe transvestites or true sisters behaving like they are princess high and mighty, trying to pick up men. They think they are so darn attractive, behaving as if they are even better than girls. They think all men would be wooed by them, which is foolish considering most of these men would puke at their slimy attitude.

These 'sisters' try to walk as if they are afraid of breaking their heels, and avoid their hands doing even slightly tougher things to not risk breaking a fingernail. Even some who are working in pubs and shopping complexes, overdress in comparison to their female counterparts. They are more concerned with looking super good and to get a man good looking enough to display their ego-inflation than just being a normal living girl. In the end, their actions and lives are plastic, and dishonesty replaces the honour of just being a female.

I am sorry, but I do not wish to wear this rubbish. Society already confused transsexuals with transvestites. When some of these transsexuals and transvestites are hormone fukked in their brains by self overdosage into a constant craving for sex and beauty, their lifestyle would have the society equating these 'sisters' to me. And I, and many others am supposedly on a mission of education. They are destroying themselves and the very hands who are advocating for them. Yes, the society discriminates and most religious hypocrates are bigots. But then we must think, are some of us under the transgender umbrella adding the world's insecurities and sensitivities?

The woman's rights are not won by drugs. They are won by woman who worked twice as hard as men. Blacks got that rights by showing they are just as capable as their white counterparts in any fields. Transsexual rights would never be won by the constant potrayals by our transvestite counterparts as men pretending to be women, and the image of transsexuals as women with lose morals. Some lifestyles we live would only contribute to stubborn stereotypes most people have on us. Some of what we do as a minority, would affect others in the community.

To those who have choices, please live on the good options. Our fate may just swing to our favour, but it is in your hands. Remember that our futures rely on what choices we make. The better choices we make today, the better our tomorrows may be. Let us prove ourselves worthy of equality and respect. Earn friends on the right manner. And show to society we are not the freaks they think we are, but beautiful part of a diversed creation of God. It is time to grow up.

Published in "The Journey Of Yuki" on Saturday, November 3, 2007

The Ring.

2009-03-30T19:11:00.007+08:00

Perhaps the Darwin weather was already a sign. You can see the ghost of my ex-husband's hand if you look closely.

Unknown to many and known to some, two weeks ago I had a huge SMS argument with my Extra-Terrestrial obsessed, Jehovah's Witness man going to be ex-husband. Many questions went unanswered by him again, and once he failed to address the issues I presented to him, it was clear that he was lying to me all along about a lot of things. Again, after being unable to answer my queries, he accused me of “abusing” him. Once more, he ran away from the truth.

His advocacy work (which he told me is all he has) has also become questionable since his ET lunacy. Except being self-absorbed and wanting to be famous, he did nothing for the LGBT community. All the man I thought I needed has become the very man any women should avoid. And rising above the blaming games, I take responsibility. I trusted him. I chose him. I married him. I made the bad decision. Big mistake. It is my fault. Now I must start over from square one.

He mentioned that I am disrespectful to his “beliefs” (in UFOs), but unfortunately he is just too blind to see the REALITY of his loving wife's existence which he chose to do away with, and instead takes comfort in the FANTASY of unproven yet and again UFO junky theories that will probably follow him to his lonely grave. Well, he was insanely telling everyone that aliens would come last year. They did not. Before that he kicked me out of his life; perhaps I am now at the end of my misery. 9 months on, today, I proudly kicked away my wedding ring. Feels good.

Yuki's Favourite Things: Omodaka.

2009-03-25T18:08:00.005+08:00

What is OMODAKA?
OMODAKA is the name of the project developed through
a trial and error process of mutational fusion of music
and motion graphics. It will knock over your existing
image toward a music video by a beautiful trajectory.

I really like this. Something about this song that is so funky yet so adorable.

yosawya san

And I really like the dancing here! So gracefully done! I feel spirited away by it.

kyoteizinc

Hat-Tip: My Good Brother, Sam Nasser.

What's On Yuki's Mind: Birthday.

2009-03-23T19:26:00.010+08:00

So, I am going to be a year older tomorrow. A good time to reflect on what the hell happened the past three decades or more of my life.

I was hoping for a present from Manchester United, but they ended up being beaten 2-0 by Fulham.

I am supposed to receive a gift of a writing job in Cheras, but they have yet to call me.

My car workshop was supposed to present my car back for me this afternoon, but the boss there did not call me back nor answer my phone calls.

I guess I can forget about giving me a shoe from Princess for myself, because I need to save my finances for more urgent stuff.

I do not expect anyone to give me anything this year, because the economy is damn bad.

Birthday parties or surprises are of the past, and my friends have their own friends and issues so I do not wish to bother them.

But one thing stays constantly.

ME + 1 more year, and one more year to love and take care of me, while taking more responsibility on myself. It is the one thing that is lacking in my life. And also to show more love to all my friends, letting them know how much I cherish and appreciate them.

In the meantime, as the ex-gay Real Love Ministry spammed this media news site looking for Yasmin Ahmad in desperation for more followers (I find this really cunning yet funny, he started talking about the deaf, then went straight to mention about being ex-gay and ex-transgender, being happy and that she will read good and bad things about him once she googles him et all), and with many gay and lesbian friends already aware of their crazy pseudoscience and lies, I say I am pleased with the progress one part of my advocacy work, that is to create awareness of what lies behind ex-gay ministries such as these. Of course there will be more and others to come.

And the rehearsal yesterday for the play went well; it is still under wraps but it would be a great reading come Sexualiti Merdeka, then off to the full performance at the turn of the year. Met Dara Othman for the first time there, an inspiration, and I am chuffed to be acting beside her.

Things cannot be that bad, I am sure more good things will come after I am a year older tomorrow.

Other up and coming stuff I will be involved in:

International Day Against Homophobia and Transphobia (I was casually invited to speak)

Malaysian TransAdvocacy Coalition (an NGO in progress)

What Ex-Gays Are Not Telling You About Ex-Gays (a talk I am working on)

Trans101 (an informative workshop and forum to understand what transsexuals/GID/HBS are really all about)

Freedom Film Fest (with the help of my friend Elaine, we may submit an
entry)

Transgender Day Of Remembrance 2009 (let us hope the list is a shorter one this time round)

Hopefully, I can get my life back on track along the way. It has really been a tiring topsy-turvy life in the past year for me.

But I am happy for all your love and support, locally and worldwide.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO... ME!....

Slowly But Surely Climbing Out Of The Pits.

2009-03-21T22:51:00.006+08:00

After more than two months without my car, this woman should be getting it back next Monday or Tuesday (unless there are any more delays at the workshop). I managed to post something up on Tilted World and here at the Box tonight. I was finally released by that NGO (but with heavy government involvement) workplace, therefore I am currently continuing my hunt for a good job opportunity. Having interviewed for some jobs as far as Cheras, I still await for their esteem reply. Now I am okay, I guess.

I gained some weight again, and having a bloated belly is really disgusting for me. Exercise is something most of us never seriously disciplined ourselves to do, but it is of course a well-known cure for beer bellies. The most meaningful event these past two weeks would be my pal Diana visiting me here at Damansara Utama, coming all the way from her house near Zoo Negara. Also had a good chat with my friend Thilaga. It is great to know that this depressed but fighting soul still have people who still care, especially after falling so deep into the pits again and again.

I will be finally meeting up with my friends for a production of an experimental play tomorrow. Hope to do more meaningful stuff for the community, and be back at my ranting best at this space soon. So to all of you who are still reading, thanks. I know I am going to be alone on my birthday next Tuesday, but at least I know some of you out there would be thinking of me, and of course I am thinking about you too. That makes love wonderful. I probably would seek peace and solace from God now that I have nearly reached another year since my birth, because somehow I know it is going to be another silent birthday full of thoughts, and wishful thinking.

Take care everyone.

When You Are Real Love Ministry And You Fail To Answer Even A Few Of Your Critics... Just Censor Them... And Continue To Spam....

2009-03-21T20:20:00.013+08:00

Google Cache as of 2nd Feb 2009. My commentary was already censored, and then I removed it (refer to their main YouTube page). Click on image to view at real size.

Real Love Ministry spammed their own YouTube site! As you can see from the google cache above, there were many positive reactions (all from Real Love Ministry members and "fans" with thumbs down from viewers) and a few negative reactions from the public (with some thumbs up in agreement) for his video. Now there is an avalanche of thumbs up on only positive comments about his video and negative comments are all censored with many thumbs down! It is quite impossible for that to happen, for there are only 848 views thus far, plus 9 votes putting the video rated only at 2.0! Gosh, after being exposed by several sites, and some even banned him for spamming (Edmund Smith writing in using different names to show some sort of numbers to his cause), the so-called “authority” on gays cannot help discredit themselves more with censorship and spamming their own site with many thumb ups! This is really unbecoming behaviour from a "pastor". I cannot wait for more funny acts of deceitfulness to report on. ^_^

A Woman Against The Wind.

2009-03-04T15:17:00.009+08:00

“Do not drop out of sight.” - David Roberts, my senior writer at Ex-Gay Watch, to me.

I am back for a while to update all of you on what is going on with my life. For starters, I got myself a new wonderful place to stay at Damansara Utama, but at a price. I will not be able to redeem back my car once it is fixed. I decided to part ways with my good sister in Singapore, after she accused me of being “too intense” on her blog. Perhaps she is too sensitive, after all she compared me to one of the other sisters she had problems with. It is sad.

I got back my wedding ring. Yep, my husband sent it to me. But no, it is not to take me back; in fact he written a note that he is too busy to do our marriage annulment. So here is a thought. Should I sell it, since I have no need for it and in need of money? Or should I keep it as a useless souvenir to haunt me for the rest of my life? I do not know. But even though the answer is obvious, being married before do complicate things. White gold is without much value though.

I received a surprise small donation from a senior from the Free Community Church, Singapore. Wow, someone there actually reads my blog? It would not be enough to do anything concrete with my car, but it did save me from a horrendous sinus infection (attack sounds more like it) by giving me a trip to the doctor. If you drop by again, thanks! Besides him there are also new readers and friends reading the Box. Hi everyone!

I will be involved in a stage play. The last time I have done one, was way back in high school, but a minor role. Here I am playing one of the protagonists. So I am happy, I need something to take me away from stress because I am diagnosed with hypertension. Great, I am barely 33 and have high blood pressure. So I am getting myself off the cause of it: My freaking job. I already handed in my month’s notice and now hunting for a new job.

So I am still running (I was all over PJ literally to get things like my insurance, summons and road tax done up). So hope things would work out. I wish I have my own computer, that way I can blog everyday! But that ambition is still miles away. Right now I have to persevere and get a new job, and attempt to get my car back from the workshop. I know some of you are praying or calling me on, so many thanks. Wish I can show you more how much I appreciate it.

I made a promise to my friend that I will not drop out of sight. So, I will try to pip in a post or few while I go through one of the most challenging periods in my life. Take care.

Before I Take Leave From Cyberspace.

2009-02-20T21:39:00.004+08:00

I would like to give my sincere thanks to my friends, readers and commenters of the Box Of Chocolates for leaving me messages on the posts, e-mails and the chatterbox these past few days. I really am very happy at the sight of some messages of encouragement for me. And I still do realize this is one part of the journey which I need to take alone.

Friends that had come to my aid last time are now gone, bored of my lack of confidence, self-pity and depression. Some closer friends are still around, but how long can they see me still not being able to stand on my own two feet? In the next few weeks I have to find a place to stay, a new job and still trying to get my car fixed as soon as possible. I need to acknowledge that there is little anyone can do for me now. Everyone has their problems, and I have no right to make my problems theirs. This is the real world. Friendships like Dr Wilson to Dr House is a minority figure even lower than the minority of transsexuals like me. Everyone needs their space, their friends and their lives, to move on without having me interfere in their pathways. I already appreciate that they done all they can.

It is really time for me to move by myself to a greater height with only death to look at on my way. I had found the strength, now I need to really make my life count. And this part of my journey would be very tiring, and I would be too exhausted to write anything for the time being. But I do assure you all that I will take care of myself. I have to, and had been. Prior to all my misadventures with my ex-husband, I have seen it all and been through it all. That should be all the experience I need to pursue a radical change now.

I must be back. I love blogging, and have met some of the most beautiful people in the world that has inspired my life. My birthday is coming up. Just pray I will have a happy one when it comes. I believe I can. Cigarettes: 2, Alcohol: Moderate, Weight: 79.2kg. Now for my next trick. Get a place to stay and get myself a new job. Take care, everyone.

Bad Decisions With Consequences Mean I Have To Be Away.

2009-02-19T17:05:00.005+08:00

I am facing some serious decision making processes, and may end up making radical changes in my life. I have arrived at another juncture and have to think hard which way to move next. Whatever choice I make, it will affect me deeply. Therefore, I will stop blogging for a while. I will also attempt to reduce my time on FaceBook. I am still considering two projects right now, but being in between jobs soon, the timing may not be the best. I offer my sincere apologies to my regular readers, and also commenters for my absense. If there is any help you think you want to offer to me, it would be in the form of donations (the donation box is on the right side column of this blogsite). I am tired of asking, and feel trapped ever since the previous donation thing that drained me so bad emotionally because of shame. But I need help. If you can, and want to help just help. Yuki’s Box of Chocolates has to be placed inside the refrigerator for the time being. If I survive yet again, I will be back. Thank you everyone for your love & support. Take care of you.

A Valentine's Season To Remember.

2009-02-16T23:17:00.004+08:00

I will remember this year’s Valentine’s Day season. I thought it will be a terribly depressing one for me, but it ended up a blast. My night started out badly; the bus did not show up and I ended up missing the entire book launch by Amir Muhammad. But I got to watch the Torch Song Massacre at Annexe. The show was fabulous, as the complete massacre of Torch Songs brought about the most intelligent idiocy I have ever encountered. I enjoyed every second of the parodies, the compelling songs, the Rihanna tribute and the laughs.

I met some new friends like JP and Su-Ann, and realized there are differences to be acknowledged with old friends. But the moment of the day was when Ahmad Azrai played boyfriend to me for that few fleeting moments; spending me drinks, holding me and letting me sit on his lap. I get the feeling it was awkward for him, but it was so sweet of him to do so anyway.

The show was fabulous, and it was a pleasure sharing the stage,impersonating a hysterical Panda Head Curry (definitely one of the most entertaining bands I have ever seen) fan alongside Gabrielle Chong, who did her best straight-girl-desperately-wanting-to-get-close-to-her-idol impression ever (I did not even realize that there was actually a zany sense of humour in her! She was fab!). Jerome Kugan sang a beautiful tragic song, before making a comedic mess called Umbrella, with Chung Wei dancing away with an actual umbrella.

From the beginning of the song, wishing you BLOOD, till Shannon Shah singing Intergalactic Romantic Failure, it was truly a night to remember not only for the songs, but for the incredible people I met there that night. Gabrielle was the friendly face I needed; JP, Su-Ann and Azrai soothed my heavy laden heart and Su-Ann attempted to hijack me for dinner. Chung Wei and Jerome Kugan even attempted to sneak me into Marketplace which ended in failure. That was really so sweet of them all. I went home alone with the longest smile I have ever performed for a long, long, long while.

The Valentine’s Day experience did not stop there. Lainie Yeoh and me had a conversation for more than an hour on our handphones the day after, and that was the first time I actually hung on the phone for such a long period for ages. After the conversation I headed to lunch and spent the rest of the afternoon and evening hanging around Bintang Walk, Times Square and later One Utama. And there I was, thinking of all the blessings I have got. I realized now that even though I am single, my Valentine’s gift was FRIENDS.

I have made so much mistakes in making friends and having to much expectations on them. Looking for friends for me is like looking for a job. I somehow always manage to find the wrong ones or never find any on my own. I am always bad in directions and always looking at the wrong places. The result is often me meeting people who try to “change” my gender, unable to give me a listening ear, condemn me at every opportunity for things that are not my fault, complain about me complaining too much, always judgmental of me etc. In the end, I realize I am just not significant enough in their lives.

But I should not have placed any expectation on them. No one is going to understand what it means to be clinically depressed and being a classic transsexual. No one is going place their ego down and talk to me at my level. No one is going to be ultimately truthful. No one will take me seriously of my suicidal tendencies. No one will love me, unless I love myself. And in order for to find that love, I need people around me who do not attempt to adopt their standards on me, rather I need friends that love me just the way I am.

That is so ironic. I mentioned needing someone to love me just the way I am in my previous blog post. But I already have friends who do so. And they made my Valentine’s season so special. I have to accept there will be people who will not like me, and I should draw the line with them. For those who like me, I must cherish them and grow up with them in our lifetimes. There will be friends that will crush you and demonize you, and friends that build you and inspire you. It was funny that I had that conversation with Lainie about negotiation and inspiration. I cannot forget the latter. That is because I find inspiration in my true friends. You know who you are. Thank you for loving me.

Valentine's Day: World Of Love.

2009-02-14T12:14:00.008+08:00

I spent these last couple of days before today trying to find some reason as to why it so difficult to find someone to be with on Valentine’s Day. As I came upon the answer that relates to my existence as a transsexual female in Malaysia, I do keep on wondering whether there will be some semblance of a relationship later in my life. I watched two movies the past two nights. One was “Sex And The City”, the other “Bridget Jones Diaries”. Both the main characters of these movies endure confusion and hurt, but the ending is all of the same. They both find love.

Carrie Bradshaw is into labels and love living in the fast lane strutting away with her designer shoes and elegant dresses, while Bridget Jones is a mess of cherry pie proportions in weight with alcohol and smoking problems to boot. Both ended up with the right man at the end, and the love story continues for them. And I wonder, what about me? Straight men are literally shallow enough to assume my gender on the basis of a mutation between my thighs, so they would be fearful of starting anything with me. If the men are gays they would want me to keep my exoticness by holding on to that mutation itself, which is a cancer to me everyday of my life.

Lesbians would target femmes, and I am just not that. So my choices are really few and far between in a country where most men are afraid to even chat me up over coffee as friends. And I am definitely not good enough for the women. So where does that leave me? I do not know actually. Since my husband left me with my op cancelled to be with his ex-wife, I opted not to get into a relationship. I usually tell my friends that the hurt of being out of love so many times, goes into an increasingly boring schedule, that the next broken relationship would not end with that much pain. But who I am to kid?

The more relationships I have been through, the more my heart was tortured and broken, leaving some scars that will be there for the rest of my life. And I really felt it more on every passing Valentine’s Day. Tonight, a lot of couples will be out on the ultimate, albeit expensive date. I would probably be at the Annexe Gallery in Central Market for Amir Muhammad’s book launch, then later listening to crooners like Shannon Shah singing all those torch songs. Those with partners will usually spend time with each other at home after tonight, in bed probably. And I will surely go home to a soulless room with nothing but my friendly radio on Lite FM. It is a sickening experience. I admit it. I need to love and to be loved by someone.

Everybody that is still single would be partying away at some club somewhere, and still looking for love. Some are even in open relationships; I guess it is better than being alone. But I guess no one would realize how lonely I am now, craving for something that is already very hard to get. The hunger pangs to be hugged by a partner who loves me just the way I am, and whom would just want the relationship to be just about the both of us. No more will I ever want a man telling me that he wants a “discreet relationship”, or a woman telling me I am just not “femme” enough. I am a girl, and transitioning more and more into ladylike-ness. I deserve the same opportunities as everyone else to find love. Sadly, I have a feeling some of my closest friends are actually facing an end to their relationships, just as I am hoping to start mine.

So where does that leave me? Are relationships really that important? Yes it is. We all need the right men or women in our lives. We hope to have that one faithful life companion, that would be with us in times like Valentine’s Day. Richer and poorer, in sickness and in health, for better or for worse; that may not cut it anymore. What is important is respect. Understanding. LOVE. I am growing a faith that I will find it one day. But I know I do have to start somewhere, so as the ever failing but trying Bridget Jones would always do, I must diligently keep track of these:

Cigarettes: 12. Alcohol: (No opportunity, good). Weight: 81.5kg, 1kg up (ok, no more Bah Kut Teh and Sweet Sour Chicken Rice, will walk to Kelana LRT today instead of taking bus). All else fails, find someone that loves me just the way I am. Or pray for The One to come soon.

The lovebug is here. Come and get your love, wherever you are.

*** HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY 2009 ***

Jangan Hantar Aku Ke Neraka (Do Not Send Me To Hell).

2009-02-11T18:36:00.002+08:00

This is a video about a transgender called Erra. Since at the end of the video she “repented”, then I will address Erra by the original name Mohammad Shukri. The video is basically about how he found peace in Islam, and after visiting his mother’s grave, he decided not to be a mak nyah (transgender) anymore. Throughout the video are Shukri’s thoughts as he shares and answers questions; he constantly believes his life as being all about lust, and he feels compelled to “change” because he believes he is going to hell for his “sins”.

We get to see where he used to be a sex-worker, and his family’s rejection of him and of course, the normal discrimination faced by transgenders in Malaysia in terms of jobs and housing. But having said it, this is where I have to part ways with this video's mood. The message is covered with shallowness and it is unbearable to watch for a positive person who would probably ask him to “Hey! Stand up straight!”. Seriously, I have met a lot of mak nyahs (transgenders) in Malaysia. I have never seen one so engrossed in his “sin” like him.

I also find this video puzzling. It seems too “directed” and attempts to impose a certain message that mak nyahs (transgenders) like him can “change”. At the end of the video he is seen dramatically swiping away all his make-up, facial cleansers and shampoos from the table, then the room dramatically changes from a room full of posters, to a room with Islamic Art; later a Quran is seen with its pages blowing in the wind. This shows a very stereotypical mask of a transgender in Malaysia (mind you, I have very few facial cleansers, and men use them as well. And I do not have feminine posters in my room).

The Quran scene in the middle of the night is perhaps sending a tacit message of “change or you will go to hell”. But looking at Shukri, I would certainly encourage him to change. Why? Because transgenders are comfortable with who they are, but Shukri (with all due respect, I am trying to be truthful) looks like a lost transvestite who got floated away into being somebody he may not have been born as in the first place. He looks lost, confused and without direction to really be a transgender. If being "yourself" clouds you with these negative thoughts then maybe you are not yourself at all. And I certainly do not walk with such slouching shame as if I am riddled with guilt and am going to hell like him.

It is fine that he has “changed”, and I wish him all happiness because I feel he is not a transgender in the first place. Kind of like Edmund Smith (RLM) who used to cross-dress and while he is a still a man (but they are total opposites in terms of personality; this Shukri seems so extremely humbled he may have some serious inferiority complex issues). While I certainly do not like the idea of him being part of this video that strongly feeds the confirmation bias of a society like Malaysia, I bid him well and all the best. Sadly still, he may have been manipulated into doing this documentary in which its producers clearly is trying to compile another bad, negative, depressing life picture gallery about transgenders. Hey, why not interview a girl and a trans survivor like me? Because I am pretty?

Q-U-E-E-R.

2009-02-09T20:07:00.010+08:00

I really wanted to write something for "Body 2 Body: Writings on Alternative Sexuality in Malaysia". And although I know both of the editors, Jerome Kugan and Pang Kee Teik as friends to the point I may eventually submit my entry, I am however disturbed by the following lines from their “submission guideline”:

1. Writings should depict QUEER or alternative sexuality in Malaysia, or of Malaysian QUEERS' experience in the world.

3. QUEER includes gay, lesbian, bisexual, transvestite, TRANSGENDERED, intersexed.

At line no. 3, once again the word "transgender" was placed with an incorrect “–ed”, and "transvestite" is supposed to be a subset of "transgender", but was placed along with the line of words as a separate entity. Even if that was so (unfortunately it is not), "transsexual" was missing from the line of words. As a matter of fact, a classic "transsexual" is never comfortable with neither "transsexual" (still known medically as a mental health condition) nor "transgender" (because the other subsets of "transgenders" are different from "transsexuals"); because it takes away the nature of their sexual identity. Some choose "transgender" as a less medical and politically correct term, but most just belong to that label to have a social identification that they can present to the public, rather than who they really are. But I am not going to go into that.

QUEER

adj.
queer•er, queer•est
1. Deviating from the expected or normal; strange: a queer situation.
2. Odd or unconventional, as in behavior; eccentric. See Synonyms at strange.
3. Of a questionable nature or character; suspicious.
4. Slang Fake; counterfeit.
5. Feeling slightly ill; queasy.
6. Offensive Slang Homosexual.
7. Usage Problem Of or relating to lesbians, gay men, bisexuals, or transgendered people.
n.
1. Offensive Slang Used as a disparaging term for a homosexual person.
2. Usage Problem A lesbian, gay male, bisexual, or transgendered person.
tr.v. queered, queer•ing, queers Slang
1. To ruin or thwart: "might try to queer the Games with anything from troop movements . . . to a bomb attack" Newsweek.
2. To put (someone) in a bad position.

I find the word "queer" probably the most disturbing word describing the LGBT community that I never use. As an adjective, it reduces the nature of LGBTs as a mere nurtured behavioural and societal issue. As a noun, it is meant to be used to negatively label LGBTs. Its continuous use, such as in this submission call for Body 2 Body and a host of other media and written communication forms, is actually wrong and it would only serve to detatch ourselves from our nature, being comfortable with our sexual orientation or accepting of our gender identity. We may say that we are reclaiming the use of the word for ourselves. But why use this word “queer”, that blatantly labels us as “weird”? Why are we using a word that would further discriminate ourselves from the general public?

The word "queer" represents the very separation between us being normal and being different. Have we forgotten how painful it is for people to call us "weirdos"? Are we going to proudly call ourselves something like "queer"'s closest synonym, “strange”? Just observe the use of the similar term within the advertisement for Body 2 Body, and think carefully whether it is acceptable.

SUBMISSION GUIDELINE

1. Writings should depict strange or alternative sexuality in Malaysia, or of Malaysian stranges' experience in the world.

2. Possible Genre: fiction, true life accounts, essays, memoir, excerpts from novel or play. We do not accept verse.

3. Strange includes gay, lesbian, bisexual, transvestite, transgendered, intersexed.

4. Possible topics: coming out, forced out, going back in, love found, love lost, love squandered, encounters with homophobia, trying to go straight, married life, being friends with a strange person, being seduced by a queer friend, self-loathing, acceptance, religion, family, work, HIV, studies, activism, etc.

5. Writers can be Malaysian or non-Malaysians. Writers can be strange or straight.

So, since some of us do so openly accept the word "queer" to describe us, why not use the word "strange" then? Oh, both "strange" and straight nearly sounds the same, perhaps by using "strange", we could actually be three or four alphabets away from being known as straight. Hurrah! (Well, just a thought). And "queer" just means basically that, queer. That is why we should stay the hell out of using that word and should not even call ourselves or the LGBT community that.

Queer Theory may be forming a strong movement, but if we were to continue labeling ourselves with a word that de-generates the LGBT movement from within, a word that is so readily used by the majority section of society to alienate us into boxes that do not fit us, a word historically invented to just mean "abnormal", then there is no way even by Queer Theory we should reclaim the word, because of its true definition. So am I going to write for Body 2 Body? Probably will, but I would need to call and ask Jerome if a transsexual can be involved in this, since (separately) only "transvestite" and "transgender-ed" are invited. And if people still choose to use a term that defines me as "fake" or "unusual" I would say, sorry, I am really not QUEER.

No Room For Valentine's Day In Malaysia?

2009-02-06T22:22:00.014+08:00

With all due respect, this piece of news is too mind-boggling for me to pass up. I have no intentions of questioning it because it does not relate to me, but I shudder to think how my Muslim friends feel about this. But it is a thought, a week before the big day comes. From the NST, reposted on AsiaOne.

JOHOR BARU, MALYSIA: The state Religious Department yesterday reminded Muslims here that Valentine's Day was "haram" in Islam, which means forbidden.
The fatwa had been declared in 2005, but the warning, said Mufti Datuk M. Tahrir Samsudin, was the department's yearly reminder to Muslims not to engage in un-Islamic activities.
He said such celebrations "involved elements of vice" and violated Islamic tenets and values. He said the Christian elements found in the celebration also did not correspond with Islamic practices. - New Straits Times

So the good mufti now lays out four things for us to ponder about Valentine’s Day.

1) It is an un-Islamic activity:

Yes, indeed:

Hating Valentine's Day in the Third World

2) Involves elements of vice.

And so the commitment to it is called “marriage”?

Lovebirds tie the knot

3) Violated tenets and values.

Violated tenets and values for 73 years?

Li Bingxiang (L), 101, presents his 97-year-old wife Zhang Liying a bouquet of roses in Jinan, Shandong Province on Valentine's Day. The couple have been married for 73 years.

4) Christian elements… did not correspond with Islamic practices.

Elements like FAMILY

and of course that funny little thing called

I shudder to think what happens when a hard working Muslim friend of mine takes some time off on this auspicious day to bring his beautiful wife out for dinner and to rekindle the love they shared for ages; and to tell her how much he loves her, want to grow old with her, wants to make her happy, wants to apologize for his all wrongdoings to her, then it is HARAM!

I rather they just haram-ed it without giving any reasons than try to give explanations, especially when their excuses are… well… HARAM…. !

Some may want to justify something because of a few selected people who scarred the face of love, but why condemn Valentine’s Day for it. It is a day of love. If Muslims wish to do vice and evils they are going to do it anyhow, regardless of what day it is. Why not just use this day to teach them good values: To love themselves and their futures instead. Would that not be, LOVE?

HAPPY BE-EARLIED VALENTINE'S DAY TO EVERYONE!

The History Of The Word "Gay".

2009-02-05T13:58:00.004+08:00

1637 - the Oxford English Dictionary describes gay as "addicted to social pleasures and dissipations. Often euphemistically: Of loose and immoral life"

1800s - "Gay" which means to "copulate" was the slang term for female prostitutes.

1900s - The French slang "gaie" which means homosexual men was out.

1935 - "Geycat," the slang term that means a homosexual boy was out.

1955 - P. Wildeblood notes in his autobiography on the inhumane treatment against gays called "Against Law". he quoted, "Most of the officers had been 'gay' ... an American euphemism for homosexual".

This is my humble opinion, looking at the process while noting this: The Bible translaters replaced or added to the word "arsenokoites" which means "boy-bed" in Greek (in relations to male prostitutes), with the word homosexual to describe the sexual orientation as a form of immoral act. This happened back at 1949 in the Revised Standard Edition of the Bible. This is related to the probably correct slang to be used according to the male prostitutes back in those days.

I conclude that the word "gay" was supposed to mean boy prostitutes in the modern world before 1949 (some say 1951). But I believe, when P. Wildeblood's book came out, it is one of the revolutionizing moments in history when "gays" are treated badly like prostitute dogs in the 60's.

This is interesting, because along with the formation of the movement for life and freedom for homosexuals from other parts of the world, started what is now known as "gay" pride. Which probably is to tell the world that homosexuality has nothing to do with gigoloism, but all about love and diversity of life, and the freedom of it to live in equality with straights.

Since it is simpler to prounounce, it has been gay ever since.

Source(s):
A complete look at the word "gay"'s evolution according to the Oxford English Dictionary can be found here at this link.

(Taken from my reply to a question at Yahoo Answers, which was elected as the "best answer").

Transphobication Of The Day #2: Kenneth Zucker.

2009-02-04T11:26:00.007+08:00

Many of you would have heard of Kenneth Zucker and his amazing theories on how there is something wrong if a child is transgender, and tries to cure them in clinical reparative therapy style. I wrote an extensive article in regards to him last year on Ex-Gay Watch, when he was chosen as head of the work group for “Sexual and Gender Identity Disorders (GID) for the fifth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders or DSM. To put it bluntly, the minority pseudo-science he parrots can hardly relate to most transgenders, especially transsexual women. His stance devalues and also trivializes the quality of life of transgenders.

A well-known heterosexualist and a believer is heterosexual supremacy, he once quoted Richard Green and mentioned:

The rights of parents to oversee the development of children is a long-established principle. Who is to dictate that parents may not try to raise their children in a manner that maximizes the possibility of a heterosexual outcome? If that preogative is denied, should parents also be denied the right to raise their children as atheists? Or as priests?

Not content of being known as an authority with no authority of transgenders, one by fame and not by merit, he now decided to shut everyone who disagrees with him up by making threats. And one of those threats, directed at Professor Lynn Conway, sounds so bogusly false and ridiculously baseless that it deserves to be awarded the second "Transphobication Of The Day"!

This was released worldwide today at Professor Lynn Conway's site :-

Lynn Conway's Trans News Updates: The webpage Zucker attempted to suppress

A News Report by Lynn Conway

First posted 2-03-09 [V2-03-09]

Contents:

Zucker attempts to disrupt and suppress Lynn Conway's trans news-feed

Note the deviousness of the falsifications in the Jacobsen letter

Consider the timing and context of the attack

What could have motivated Zucker's attack on Lynn's freedom of speech?

Defending Lynn's freedom of speech

References

Zucker attempts to disrupt and suppress Lynn Conway's trans news-feed:

As part of her University of Michigan website [1] Lynn Conway maintains a news-feed [2] that provides ongoing access to news items of interest to the transgender community. Each day Lynn receives and posts links to the latest news, often including brief quotes from the articles to alert readers to their contents.

On January 30, 2009 Lynn received an e-letter [3] from Peter M. Jacobsen, an attorney representing Dr. Ken Zucker of the “Centre for Addiction and Mental Health” (CAMH, aka The Clarke Institute) at University of Toronto. The letter was also apparently sent to the University of Michigan's Information Technology User Advocate, in an attempt to disrupt Lynn's postings on the internet and defame Lynn amongst her colleagues and senior University officials as they heard about it.

The Jacobsen letter is posted at this link (more, more). It threatens Lynn with a lawsuit for libel by claiming that:

“Your website contains very serious false and defamatory allegations of criminal conduct and sexual abuse by Dr. Zucker. These allegations clearly exceed the limits of free speech and public discourse . . . Please be advised that we have also notified the IT User Advocate at the University of Michigan of this defamatory posting. . . Please confirm receipt of this libel notice immediately and advise us immediately of what steps you have taken to have this defamatory material removed from your website” – Peter M. Jacobsen, representing CAMH and Zucker

Jacobsen inserted the following entry from Lynn's news-feed into his letter as 'evidence' to support Zucker's accusations of libel:

01-17-09: Organisation Internationale des Intersexués (OII): "The self-proclaimed experts on intersex: Zucker and Lawrence", by Curtis Hinkle

"I am sure that many intersex people were aware that the APA had brought out a booklet on intersex. However, I am not sure that many understand how problematic it is to many intersex people to see some of the following names associated with this booklet: Margaret Schneider, Walter O. Bockting, Randall D. Ehrbar, Anne A. Lawrence, Katherine Louise Rachlin and Kenneth J. Zucker. At first glance, the booklet seems apparently harmless. However, that is what's so clever about it. It's a way for the Clarke/Northwestern clique to get their nose under the (intersex) tent and then later "come on in"."

As you can see, there are no "allegations of criminal conduct and sexual abuse by Dr. Zucker" in that news-feed entry, nor will you find any such allegations anywhere in Lynn's website.

On reading Jacobsen's letter most people cannot imagine that it could contain such a bold falsification, even though it is right there in front of their eyes. Therefore, the first and lingering impression is that Lynn must have made those allegations – even though she did not.

We are posting this report to alert our readers and seek their support in maintaining Lynn's freedom of speech against this blatant attempt to suppress and infringe upon it.

Note the deviousness of the falsifications in the Jacobsen letter:

After boldly claiming that the allegations against Zucker are located within Lynn's news-feed (which they are not), Jacobsen does a quick shuffle of the deck. He now says that the presumed allegations are actually contained in another website that Lynn simply links to – i.e. a page in the website of Organisation Intersex International (OII) [4].

In doing so, Jacobsen claims that cross-website linkage is legally equated with website-inclusion, but Canadian case law says otherwise: Crookes v Wikimedia [5].

However, even that point is moot, because not even that secondarily-linked webpage in OII's website makes the allegations against Zucker that Jacobsen alleges. Instead it simply reports the fact that such allegations had been previously received by OII personnel from a third party and had been turned over to Canadian authorities.

As readers struggle to follow Jacobsen's tangled legal 'logic' – and as they click on links from site to site trying to figure out what it all means – they can easily loose focus and simply assume that Jacobsen must know what he's talking about. This is a well-known effect of "the big lie":
The bigger the lie, the more likely it is to be believed.

What could have motivated Zucker's attack on Lynn's freedom of speech?

Why would Jacobsen make these false accusations? Could Zucker be angered that Lynn's site contains investigative reports [6] and links to media articles that are unflattering to Zucker and CAMH – reports such as those on U. S. National Public Radio [7] and in the Torontoist [8] that have widely exposed Dr. Zucker as operating a trans-reparative clinic for ‘curing’ gender variant children?

If so, they should note that Lynn's news-feed links to many articles by or about Dr. Zucker and his colleagues that are extremely unflattering to transgender people. It also links to articles published by groups such as NARTH [8] and Focus on the Family [9] that are supportive of Dr. Zucker’s teachings. By doing so, Lynn's news-feed links to both sides of the story and helps generate healthy debate.

Then too, OII Founder Mr. Curtis Hinkle reports that OII has not received similar threats of lawsuits, even though the OII page in question (an open letter to the President of WPATH) [4] has been posted on the internet for eight months and is widely known about in Zucker’s professional circles.

These facts suggest that Zucker is more interested in suppressing Lynn's website than in addressing the underlying complaint asserted in Jacobsen’s letter. But there is more:

Consider the timing and context of the attack

The timing of Zucker’s action is also suspect – coming on the eve of an important workshop at the IFGE conference [11]. Zucker is aware that the presentations at that workshop will be posted on my website and will question his selection to lead revisions of the gender identity section [12] of the psychiatric code-book of mental illness (the 'DSM') [13].

Zucker's selection for that role is the elephant in the room. That psychiatric code-book currently pathologizes all transgender people as being mentally-ill for life, just as it did to gay and lesbian people in the past – and Zucker appears determined to retain that stance in spite of growing evidence to the contrary (more) and social pressure to depathologize gender variance [14].

For more on the psychiatric and social context that led to the current diagnostic nomenclature in the DSM, see Gender Madness in American Psychiatry, Essays from the Struggle for Dignity, by Kelley Winters, Ph.D. [15]. Dr. Winter's book provides deep insights into the many issues and
challenges faced by the trans-community on the eve of publication of the DSM-V, and exposes the reasons for and nature of the community's confrontation with Zucker.

Zucker’s colleague and close confidant Alice Dreger went to great lengths to suppress a similar panel at the National Women’s Studies Association conference last June, but failed in that attempt - after graduate student Joelle Ruby Ryan stood up to Dreger's attack on Joelle's academic career. My report on those events [16] has since gained wide notice, much to Dreger’s and Zucker’s consternation.

And as many news-feed readers may recall, as editor in chief of the Archives of Sexual Behavior (ASB) Zucker previously stooped so low as to exploit his power-position to subvert that journal into a propaganda tool [17] to support his ASB colleagues against widespread complaints and internet blogging by the transgender community. In the process Zucker was exposed as conducting his own personal vendetta against Andrea James and Lynn Conway, two women who've been effective in exposing his reparatist treatment of gender variant children (more).

Zucker’s series of actions suggest that he is now motivated to suppress Lynn's right of free speech (and especially Lynn's ability to publish on the internet) by any means possible, in order to minimize his exposure as a trans-reparatist and suppress the escalating questioning of his selection to lead the DSM revisions.

Defending Lynn's freedom of speech:

In the face of this threat, Lynn's seeks your assistance in protecting her Constitutional rights and ensuring her full and open access to the internet – so that her website and others like it remain freely available in service of our community.

You do not need to write letters or make demands. You should instead exercise your own right of free speech to widely propagate this news report and the Jacobsen letter, as evidence of Zucker's attack.

By informing people of Zucker's attempt to suppress Lynn's freedom of speech, you can expose him for what he is – and let history be his judge.

You only get to keep your Constitutional rights if you fully exercise them.

References:

[1] Lynn Conway’s homepage,
Lynn Conway, lynnconway.com.

http://ai.eecs.umich.edu/people/conway/conway.html

[2] “Trans News Updates”,
Lynn Conway, lynnconway.com.

http://ai.eecs.umich.edu/people/conway/TS/News/News.html

[3] “CAMH re: Ken Zucker and Lynn Conway”, File No. 300566, Peter M. Jacobsen, Center for Addiction and Mental Health, Toronto, Canada January 27, 2009.

http://www.intersexualite.org/Ltr_to_Lynn_Conway_re_defamatory_statements_-_Jan_27.09.pdf

http://www.joellerubyryan.com/db1/00058/joellerubyryan.com/_download/LetterToLynnConway.pdf

[4] “Open Letter to President of WPATH from OII”, Sophia Siedlberg, OII-UK and Curtis E. Hinkle, Founder, Organisation Intersex International, May 28, 2008.

http://www.intersexualite.org/WPATH.html

[5] IN THE SUPREME COURT OF BRITISH COLUMBIA, Citation: Crookes v. Wikimedia Foundation Inc., 2008 BCSC 1424 Date: 20081027 Docket: S072729 Registry: Vancouver.

http://www.p2pnet.net/stuff/crookes%20vwikimedia.pdf

[6] “Drop the Barbie: Ken Zucker's reparatist treatment of gender-variant children”, A report by Lynn Conway, lynnconway.com, April 5, 2007.

http://ai.eecs.umich.edu/people/conway/TS/News/Drop%20the%20Barbie.htm

[7] “Two Families Grapple with Sons' Gender Preferences - Psychologists Take Radically Different Approaches in Therapy”, Alix Spiegel, All Things Considered, National Public Radio, May 7. 2008.

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=90247842

[8] “But For Today I Am A Boy”, Marc Lostracco, The Torontoist, May 9, 2008.

http://torontoist.com/2008/05/but_for_today_i_am_a_boy.php

[9] “How Should Clinicians Deal With GID In Children? Psychologist Kenneth J. Zucker explains the current research on children and adolescents who develop a Gender Identity Disorder”,
Frank York, National Association for Research & Therapy of Homosexuality (NARTH), September 23, 2004.

http://www.narth.com/docs/gid.html

[10] “Answering Parents' Questions on Gender Confusion in Children”, Glenn T. Stanton, Focus on the Family, January, 2009.

http://www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting/articles/gender_confusion_in_children.aspx

[11] “Disordered” No More: Challenging Transphobia in Psychology, Academia and Society”, by Joelle Ruby Ryan (chair), Julia Serano, Ph.D. and Kelley Winters, Ph.D., IFGE Worshop, The
23rd Annual Conference of the International Foundation for Gender Education, Alexandria, VA, February 4-8, 2009.

http://www.ifge.org/register/db_wrkshp_one.php?the_id=77

[12] “DSM-V review of Sexuality & Gender to be headed by Zucker & Blanchard”, Trans-Academics.org, May 19, 2008.

http://www.trans-academics.org/dsm-v_review_sexuality_&a

[13] DSM-IV-TR: Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition - Text Revision, American Psychiatric Association, 2000.

http://www.dsmivtr.org/

[14] “Psychiatrists Revise the Book of Human Troubles”, Benedict Carey, New York Times, Dec. 17, 2008

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/12/18/health/18psych.html?_r=1&pagewanted=1

[15] Gender Madness in American Psychiatry, Essays from the Struggle for Dignity, Kelley Winters, Ph.D., BookSurge Publishing, 2009.

http://www.gendermadness.com/

[16] “Joelle Ruby Ryan chairs NWSA panel on resisting transphobia in academia: The event Alice Dreger failed to stop”, A Report by Lynn Conway, lynnconway.com, June 27, 2008.

http://ai.eecs.umich.edu/people/conway/TS/News/US/NWSA/NWSA_panel_on_resisting_transphobia_in_academia.html

[17] "Science Subverted: How a scientific journal became a propaganda tool in the "science
war" against the social emergence of transgender women", A report by Lynn Conway, lynnconway.com, August 21, 2007.

http://ai.eecs.umich.edu/people/conway/TS/News/US/Science%20Subverted.html

LynnConway.com > TS Information > Trans News Updates > Lynn Conway's Trans News Updates: The page Zucker attempted to suppress.

Tip Of The Hat for Leona Lo.

Transgender Woman Found Dead With Neck Stab Wound.

2009-02-03T15:50:00.011+08:00

It is only the month of February, and with Malaysia still in celebratory mood on the occasion of Chinese New Year, this news came in and turned my day sour, and I believe it would be another day of sadness for all transgenders worldwide. Another transgender woman was found murdered last Sunday, stabbed on the neck at her own house.

The original story is here. However, the New Straits Times (NST) once again showed total lack of professionalism in journalism, using her “male” name several times, and the whole article is riddled with male pronouns. We can see here that the NST has obviously no respect for the dead, or for transgenders for that matter, and seems to insist on using the word “transvestite” to describe the victim. Such is the lack of knowledge and understanding displayed by NST. I have edited the post, and give her the face she deserves.

Transgender found dead with neck stab wound
By : Jassmine Shadiqe
(edited by Yuki Choe)

JOHOR BARU, Mon:
A transgender woman was found dead with a stab wound on her neck in her house in Taman Molek, Johor Jaya, here on Sunday. The victim, once identified as Noor Azlan Khamis, 29, who worked as a storekeeper at a furniture store in Sungai Tiram here, was found by a friend lying lifeless on the sofa in her living room about 6.30pm.

She had earlier gone to a karaoke outlet with some friends, who sent her home about 3am. Later that evening, one of her friends called her but the phone went unanswered.

The friend, who lives in the neighbourhood then went to her house and after peeping through a window, saw the victim lying on the sofa.

Suspecting that something was amiss when she failed to respond to her knocks on the door, the friend entered the unlocked house and found the victim dead in a pool of blood.
He immediately alerted the police.

State Criminal Investigation Department Chief Senior Assistant II Datuk Amer Awal who confirmed the incident said the victim stayed alone in the house.

"Investigations revealed that the victim was murdered between 4am and 7am that Sunday," he said. Amer added that the television and lights in the room were switched on when the victim's body was found. There were no signs of struggle or forced entry.
Amer urged those with information to call the nearest police station or the Johor police hotline at 07-2212999.

I feel uncomfortable, and realize how disturbing it is to install a new entry to the Transgender Day Of Remembrance 2009. But such murders must be exposed for the world to see the bigotry and hatred manifesting itself into such violence. There is a need to continue working on the protection and security for transgenders and gender-non comforming individuals in Malaysia, and worldwide. May this victim rest is peace. We will remember.

Yuki's Choice Reading:
News Straits Times Shows Disappointing Standards Of Professional Journalism When Reporting Transgender Murder.